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Ask the Divorced Guy!
by Dean Hughson
Title: Falling out of Love
Question:
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I had to learn to fall out of love with him. After he told me he loved me
no longer, in front of his parents, I found out things he had done and
the lies he has told and who knows how long he has been lying? But all
the more, it is hard to end 12 years of my life. We have two children
and were together 12 years and married for 10. Don't get me wrong, I don't still want to be married to
him anymore but I don't hate him entirely either. How do you sort out the confusion?
Answer:
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That is a good point you make. For the person who is left behind in a relationship, you need some time to sort out your feelings. You have to figure out what is the opposite of love. For some it is hate but for many it is just disdain for the lies and betrayal you feel. I urge people to give themselves some time, find a support group or counselor, and at the same time don't belittle what you had. You were in love with someone and one shouldn't write off the years as a waste. You had children together, friends, love, and a life together. I use the analogy that we often have two ex's----there was the nice one we were married to for a long time and then their evil twin which evolved. We can dislike the behavior and still love the person. Recovery is when you can sort out the reality from emotion and get on with your life and finding peace and sometimes love again. Hang in there and let me know how you are doing.
Dean Hughson, called the Dear Abby of Divorced Dads by the KC Star, is the founder of the DIVORCE HOMEPAGE. He has talked to thousands of people contemplating divorce, going through divorce, or the chaos afterwards and gives referrals and advice. He resides in Nevada, the state with the highest divorce rate in the US.
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