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Ask the Divorced Guy!
by Dean Hughson
Title: What Should I do After My Affair?
Question:
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I am having problems rebounding in my marriage after I had an affair. I
was raised in a good family by parents who gave me many advantages in life.
While in college I met a nice man who I fell in love with. When we
graduated from college we married. For the first few years of our
married life we were building our family (3 kids) and our lifestyle
(comfortable). After the kids were a little older I decided to go back to
work. I don't know what happened but shortly after starting my new job a
co-worker started flirting a lot with me. It felt good. Having been a
stay-at-home mom it felt good to have someone commenting on your
appearance, how sexy you are, etc. One day it lead to more and I found
myself involved in a hot and heavy affair; the type where you go to hotels
and lie about where you are going. My husband caught on and was very
hurt. I broke off the affair and we have vowed to keep our marriage
together but things still seem strained. What do I do?
Answer:
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Affairs are often symbolic of some other problems in your relationship.
You are wise in considering that something is wrong right now and you must
work on changing it. take a look at the web site
http://www.durham.net/~kmarlowe/affair/intro.htm This site discusses
the dynamics of affairs and the aftermath.
What I suggest is that you and your husband find a therapist and work on the future. It is difficult to do much about what has happened. If you have had love in the past, the two of you can find it again with some help. You must work on trust again and this is the most difficult thing for many people.
The alternatives to rebuilding love in a marriage are not so attractive:
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1. divorce
2. remarriage (starting all over again with someone new)
3. acceptance of your present marriage and just going on as it is now
I believe that one can choose to have a happy marriage and to feel love.
Dean Hughson, called the Dear Abby of Divorced Dads by the KC Star, is the founder of the DIVORCE HOMEPAGE. He has talked to thousands of people contemplating divorce, going through divorce, or the chaos afterwards and gives referrals and advice. He resides in Nevada, the state with the highest divorce rate in the US.
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