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Ask the Divorced Guy!
by Dean Hughson
Title: Does He Think of Me?
Question:
-
Hi Dean, I hope you can give me some insight into this VERY painful turn of
events. I recently learned that my ex husband married the girl he was
having
an affair with during our marriage. They have built a new house, have a new
minivan, our very involved in their church including teaching bible school
and adult bible school, he enjoys her children from her first marriage
immensely. I call her a girl because she is almost 9 years younger than
he.
Do you think they are really as happy as they'd like everyone to believe?
Also, our divorce was 4 years ago and I still think about him (through rose
colored glasses) and want our life back. Do you think I will ever NOT think
of him and our life together? One more -- How much do you think he thinks
about me, or did, right after the divorce? Did you think about your ex-wife
a lot and for how long? I'd like to ask you more questions but I don't want
to be a pest. Thanks for your help!
Answer:
-
First off, to recover you have to distance yourself from your ex-husband by
not
worrying about what he is doing. Since he is remarried he is not an option
for
you anyway. Whether he is happy or not, wish him well in your mind and get on
with your recovery.
Everyone thinks about their ex in some form occasionally. Perhaps it is a
restaurant you two used to go to, an aftershave you smell on someone, or
seeing
a friend who you both know. It does get better with time. What I did was
just
recognize the emotion and go on. The reality is that you need to find
someone
who is a candidate to date and have fun when you are ready. Have you been
to a
divorce support group? Ask around to find a group. Do some positive things
like go back and take a class at the community college, volunteer an afternoon
a week at the zoo, learn how to ice skate. Get active in a church or
synagogue. Be a Big Sister.
Pining for a lost love doesn't have a good payback. It is sad your marriage died but you have life and time to get on with living which is what life is about. Don't waste it bemoaning what has happened in the past. You can only change the future. If you find yourself stalled too long, find a therapist to help get yourself moving.
Dean Hughson, called the Dear Abby of Divorced Dads by the KC Star, is the founder of the DIVORCE HOMEPAGE. He has talked to thousands of people contemplating divorce, going through divorce, or the chaos afterwards and gives referrals and advice. He resides in Nevada, the state with the highest divorce rate in the US.
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