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Ask the Divorced Guy!
by Dean Hughson
Title: When Do You get Back Into the Game?
Question:
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My wife got involved with a guy at work and as a result we have been
legally separated for 3 months. In NC you have to be separated for 12
months before you can be divorced which takes another 1-2 months. Over
the last 3 months have gone through the denial, the attempts at
reconciliation a lot of self blame and all that garbage. I have done a
lot of healthy things, working out, joining a Christian church and
attending regularly and seeing a psychologist weekly.
My question centers on when is it right to start dating. I am feeling
like it would be nice to have some female companionship, someone to look
forward to seeing. I also know of the dangers of a rebound romance. I
feel like I would be a lot more careful about the woman I would get
serious with. What is your advice on when to get back into the game?
Do I need to wait until the divorce is final?
Thanks for your advice.
Answer:
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When is it time to start dating again? Well, legally you need to check
with your attorney because in some states unless you are legally separated
you could hurt your divorce case on your soon to be ex's charge of
adultery. But in practical terms the more important thing is how do you
feel? I hear people saying things like YOU SHOULD WAIT for one year
after a divorce. I don't agree with that. It basically depends on how you
feel. Can you enjoy yourself on dates? If you have kids, can you handle
the part that you shouldn't tell your kids about who you are dating until
it is serious and they should not meet until then either? Can you not talk
constantly about your ex while out on dates? What happens if the date
becomes sexual? Are you prepared for that? (a dumb question for some..ha
ha).
I think that each person is different and each person has different values. Listen to your own soul, not others on this one. Dating is part of your recovery also. You will soon know if you are ready. Be honest with those you date about the pain you have.
Dean Hughson, called the Dear Abby of Divorced Dads by the KC Star, is the founder of the DIVORCE HOMEPAGE. He has talked to thousands of people contemplating divorce, going through divorce, or the chaos afterwards and gives referrals and advice. He resides in Nevada, the state with the highest divorce rate in the US.
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