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Ask the Divorced Guy!
by Dean Hughson
Title: Why Do We Love Those We Do?
Question:
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My question is simple. Why do we love those we do? I keep
asking myself that question after being dumped by my wife of 13 years.
Couldn't have seen it coming?
Answer:
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In my volunteer work as ASK THE DIVORCED GUY,
http://www.divorcesupport.com/, I get lots of emails with a wide range of
problems. Recently I have been getting a lot of emails from people whose
spouses have come out and announced they were gay. In one of the recent
emails the person asked me "Dean, why do I still love her? She has run
off with another lesbian leaving me with 3 small kids at home, lots of
bills, and a broken heart. I feel so hurt and in such a unique problem."
I wrote him back that being the one left is a painful thing but it is painful for whatever the reason you are left. There isn't a person around who doesn't ask themselves after an unwanted divorce, or probably even a wanted divorce, why do I love this person and why did I love this person. But more important the solution for recovering is the same for those who find themselves dumped, whatever the reason. My theory is that you must grieve the loss of a love, almost like a death. Remember that you loved the person but that it is no longer possible to be with them. For some the holding of false hope that the departed spouse will return requires counseling help and more importantly requires that you acknowledge the pain that is keeping you bound up in the fantasy. Recovery comes at different times for different people. For some it can take years, others months to recover. Also recovery comes in pieces for some; you get part of the divorce understood and other parts come later. Whatever it takes i.e. counseling, support groups, anger, depression, pain, to recover, you must do. Your body and mind will eventually right itself and you go on with life.
We are left with scars whenever an injury occurs. Acknowledge your scar but don't dwell on it. Life is too short to be too unhappy too long. Find love again. It makes all the difference.
Dean Hughson, called the Dear Abby of Divorced Dads by the KC Star, is the founder of the DIVORCE HOMEPAGE. He has talked to thousands of people contemplating divorce, going through divorce, or the chaos afterwards and gives referrals and advice. He resides in Nevada, the state with the highest divorce rate in the US.
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