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Ask the Divorced Guy!
by Dean Hughson
Title: Borderline Personality Disorder
Question:
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My wife and I have been married for 15 years and have had numerous problems.
Recently she has really got mean to me and our 3 children, 13, 11, and 9. We
have tried therapy but every time we get to someone who seems to be getting
close to figuring out what is going on she quits and says we must change
therapists. Our last therapist, a psychiatrist, finally said to me Sir, you
are dealing with a wife who has borderline personality disorder. This is a
very
difficult thing to evaluate and extremely difficult to treat when the patient
doesn't want to do anything. I now realize, after reading some books that
she has the classic symptoms. The child protection people in my town know
that she has hurt our kids--they have investigated in the past. I need to
divorce this person but I can see problems forever. What do I do?
Answer:
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First off you have done yourself a favor by learning about this disorder. The
symptoms are difficult to ascertain unless you have worked with someone who
knows about this disorder
http://members.aol.com/BPDCentral/bpdlist.html Another good on-line resource
for information is at
http://www.bpdcentral.com/
Among the resources available is a list serv. Here is the information to sign on the list:
"Send an E-mail message to LISTSERV@artnet.xs4all.nl and put "SUBSCRIBE NONBP" in the message body (not the subject). If you want to get all the mail in digest form, send an E-mail message to LISTSERV@artnet.xs4all.nl and put "SUBSCRIBE NONBP-D" in the message body (not the subject).
There is also a usenet group, alt.support.personality
I assume by now you have begun reading about this disorder. An excellent pamphlet and soon to be book is Walking on Eggshells which you can read about at http://members.aol.com/BPDCent ral/index.html
You need to figure out how your kids are being affected. That she has abused them should make you question if you can assure their safety. I strongly suggest you meet with an attorney and see what options are available to you. The psychiatrist may help you also deal with whether you can live within this relationship or not safely for yourself and the children. You also need to learn how to protect yourself against false allegations, which happen often with borderline personality disorder spouses.
Borderline personality disorder is something that I have run across more and more in the divorce community. It needs to be studied and more needs to be written about the effects on families. Understanding what it is at least helps the non-borderline personality disorder person to understand that there is a problem.
My thoughts are with you.
Dean Hughson, called the Dear Abby of Divorced Dads by the KC Star, is the founder of the DIVORCE HOMEPAGE. He has talked to thousands of people contemplating divorce, going through divorce, or the chaos afterwards and gives referrals and advice. He resides in Nevada, the state with the highest divorce rate in the US.
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