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Ask the Divorced Guy!
by Dean Hughson
Title: Visitation with Alcoholic Mother
Question:
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I am the male parent of a twelve year old. His mother is an alcoholic
and left us 8 months ago, and we've since divorced with me holding
primary legal and physical custody. The boy doesn't want to see her and
has told her so but she's continued to call and ask to visit. She's not
very reliable and doesn't meet commitments well and the chances of
rebuilding a relationship on that basis are slim. What is the right
thing to do in this situation?
Answer:
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Lay down ground rules with her...if she has been drinking she can't see the
child. It is important for your boy to have a relationship with both
parents. Don't let him get in the drivers seat. He is too young to be
making these type of judgments. Basically I would sit strong on saying to
him you don't want him to be rude to adults, especially family members.
Maybe your son could use Ala-teen, a support group for children of
alcoholics. It helps the kids understand what alcoholism is. Suggest
perhaps that he and your ex go to alcoholism counseling/family counseling
together. He needs to understand that his mother is sick, that she can get
well if she refrains from drinking, and AA
is the best alternative for her.
These are hard but big things for a kid to understand but it will help him
resolve his feelings towards his mom also.
Dean Hughson, called the Dear Abby of Divorced Dads by the KC Star, is the founder of the DIVORCE HOMEPAGE. He has talked to thousands of people contemplating divorce, going through divorce, or the chaos afterwards and gives referrals and advice. He resides in Nevada, the state with the highest divorce rate in the US.
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