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Ask the Divorced Guy!
by Dean Hughson
Title: When we were part of 'they' we too said nothing
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For those on this list who have been through a divorce and/or custody
hearing, a logical question is why would a judge restrict a functional
parent from seeing his or her kids? Now remember that a judge is a human
being, your neighbor, may be a member of your golf club, and his own kids
probably know your kids at the synagogue or church. Why, because there is a
divorce or child custody battle, would he recommend that you have only 15%
access to your kids (every other weekend and 2-4 weeks in the summer)? The
why is that he has been told by psychologists, psychiatrists,social workers
that the best thing that can happen to a divorced family is that you
stabilize the intact unit i.e. the custodial parent and children by
ordering a custodial parent and then having visitation for the
non-custodial parent.
When you didn't know anything about divorce court, if you were like me you probably didn't have a very high regard for divorced people. I don't remember for sure but that my unspoken thoughts were that one of the parents was an alcoholic or running around on the other. I never thought about the kids. I can remember saying pious things like "Your ex is a real sleaze for doing that to you."' Largely my thoughts as a member of the theys' was highly uneducated. I didn't know that people get divorced many times against their wills. I didn't know that men are the custodial parent 1% of the time after a divorce. I didn't know of the economic problems caused in families when they divorce and the problems getting paid child support that occurs sometimes. I didn't know the feeling of having to tell your child I can't see you this weekend because that is what the court ordered. I didn't know the pain of having a child crying on the phone to you about something happening in their home and not being able to help.
Why do they say nothing? They say nothing because we say nothing as citizens. If the 'normal'' non-divorced community knew of the inequalities that occur daily to men and women in our society they would demand reform. But in the scheme of things, divorce is a hidden problem. We read about deadbeat parents, people kidnapping their children, and sadly even people shooting their ex-spouses but we read little about the affects of divorce on our society and the fiber of our families.
What is the solution? Speak out when the opportunity occurs. Tell your elected officials that you support equality for parents after a divorce and believe that kids need both parents. Support good organizations that espouse these views. If you see that your local community is going to have a consumer review panel for the courts get appointed to it. Write letters when you see an article in the newspaper on divorce and tell people how it really is. For we have said nothing too long.
Dean Hughson, called the Dear Abby of Divorced Dads by the KC Star, is the founder of the DIVORCE HOMEPAGE. He has talked to thousands of people contemplating divorce, going through divorce, or the chaos afterwards and gives referrals and advice. He resides in Nevada, the state with the highest divorce rate in the US.
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