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Ask the Divorced Guy!
by Dean Hughson
Title: What is She Trying to Really Tell Me?
Question:
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I'm not ready for divorce. I love my wife of two years so very deeply.
However, I think she is trying to tell me something. Read the background
and tell me what you think.
There is a considerable difference in ages between us--nearly 15. I played the field quite a bit when I was her age (she is now 24) and single but eventually grew up and realized that my so called "freedom to express myself" was nothing more than naked lust and that I had hurt a lot of fine women. I knocked it off. Got married to a terrific woman.
We've had two years of a warm and wonderful marriage. Not long after we wedded she confided in me that she thought she was bi-sexual. I told her that whatever she found out in her journey of self-discovery that I would support and accept her unconditionally. She has had several women lovers. She urged me continuously to have a threesome with one of them. I finally gave in and, of course, regret it now.
A little while after the threesome she indicated that since I had a one-night-stand with a woman--her lover--that she was now entitled to an affair with a man. I have since learned that she is going hot and heavy with a guy at her work, even brought him home for a tryst while I was at work. She openly admits this but insists that she doesn't want a divorce, that she loves me. But she also says that she feels bad that she was cheated out of sexually knowing other men before we married. She was a virgin. She now wants to "expand her horizons", to continue with her education of herself, to discover who she really is. She wants a one year sabbatical from the marriage vow of fidelity and has drawn up an agreement to that effect. I guess I'm supposed to go away and not be an inconvenient presence. I'm at my wits end. I love her so much. She says that she loves me, too, that this is merely a temporary phase, to hang in there with her that she'll soon be over this hunger for men and excitement.
I can't prohibit her from this. I'd merely lose her. Besides, how can I tell her not to do something that I felt I had the right to do at her age. I am very understanding of her need, but it still hurts like hell.
Is she trying to tell me that it's over but wants me to make the first move? Should I hang in there with her?
Answer:
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Pick up the book OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSET by Amity Buxton...will help you
understand bisexual people a bit. In my experience most of these people
ultimately end up gay i.e. with a same sex partner. But one never knows.
There is a support group called Straight Spouse Support Network
(http://www.glpci.org/~sssn/apb.htm)
What is your proper response? I would say No. No, I am not willing to take a secondary position in your life. I would insist on going to therapy with her and see what can be worked out. With the danger of sexually transmitted diseases (http://www.halcyon.com/elf/altsex/stds.html) you are living with a ticking timebomb but the emotional pain you must feel is even worse. For a short term marriage to blow up into an open marriage there are some fairly heavy problems that need to be resolved. Until they are, please practice safe sex and wear condoms and refrain from high risk sex.
Dean Hughson, called the Dear Abby of Divorced Dads by the KC Star, is the founder of the DIVORCE HOMEPAGE. He has talked to thousands of people contemplating divorce, going through divorce, or the chaos afterwards and gives referrals and advice. He resides in Nevada, the state with the highest divorce rate in the US.
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