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Ask the Divorced Woman!
by Maria Costa
Title: My Daughter Won't Have Anything To Do With Me
Question:
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Hi, I have been divorced from my first husband for 10 years. We have an
almost 12 year old daughter. Two years ago I started having a very hard
time handling her, she even took off one day and I had to call the police
to help me and my family find her. I got some advice from part of my
family which was to have her live with her father that maybe she needed the
fatherly figure. So I did. Six months later he remarried and it has been
a nightmare. His new wife has harassed me, told me never to call there
again, always says things in the back ground during my calls with my
daughter, has told my daughter things like I don't love her, I don't want
to see her, and such. She even had my daughter talk to me on the phone so
bad that when we hung up I cried for hours. I am so afraid to call that I
don't anymore. Just thinking about doing it makes me sick. I love my
daughter very much and it is tearing me up that I can't even talk to her
with out her step-mother interfering. I don't know what to do. I don't
know if I should just wait it out or what. My ex has no back bone so I
cant get any help from him. I haven't had any good advice from my family
in a long time and half the time I don't think they believe me. I guess I'm
just looking for an unbiased opinion.
Answer:
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I really feel bad for you and your relationship with your daughter. She
has a couple of problems. The first and major one is her age. I think
that kids some as early as 9 years old till they are 18-22 can be
unbearable! My daughter and I used to be very close until she hit 15
then we have been at arms length since. She is now 19.
I used to hear about stuff like this and I would pray that it would bypass me but no we all go through it.
Since you have the second wife interfering the best advice that I can give you is for you to write a daily journal - to your daughter. Talk to her as if she was living with you and all was well. This will be beneficial to you in two ways:
1. It will relieve some of your stress and loneliness. You will be sharing what is going on in your life as if she hasn't left. It will be extremely therapeutic for you.
Make sure you write all the hurts in it also. She needs to know that part also.
2. When she comes back (and she will) you can give her the journal and she will be able to understand the real mom who loved her through the worst ordeal that a mom can go through.
Best of luck and in the meantime try not to stay at home by yourself. Join a support group like Parents without Partners. They are great!
Pick up my book "When the Vows Break: Living Through Separation & Divorce" it will help you with the above questions plus how to join support groups which you need to do! If you can't find it in your local bookstore call my toll free number 888-267-3929 PIN #7176.
Maria Costa (Author & Seminar Speaker) A well known certified speaker and seminar leader, continues to inspire, motivate and challenge people to push their envelopes farther, both before and after experiencing divorce. A graduate of National-Louis University, with a Masters in Management, Ms. Costa is very active in her community. She is President of the Board of Directors of the Women's Resource Center, Fredericksburg, VA, President of Hispanic Internal Revenue Employees (HIRE), IRS, Washington Chapter and board member of Professional Women's Network. Be sure to visit Maria Costa's web site
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