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Ask the Divorced Woman!
by Maria Costa
Title: Getting Over Someone you Love
Question:
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I am trying to separate from someone I have known for 24 years, been
married to for 16 years, and share three children with. He is an
alcoholic. Yes, I have been to a lawyer to file legal separation papers.
I asked him to leave the house over a year ago because he was picked up and
charged with a DUI while he had all three children with him. I could not
forgive myself if something happened to them because I did not take a
stand. I attend Al-Anon meetings and was doing quite well until the recent
holidays. I guess I am tired of the grief cycling "forever and ever". At
times I feel strong and right about what I am doing. Other times it seems
too much to be the strong parent, the provider, and lonely beyond belief.
It does not seem that easy to meet men. I live in a small town, am 42
years old, and do not seem to know how to begin with "starting over". I
haven't the financial resources to do much socially and I do not seem to
want company most of the time although I force myself to do things with
other adults. Our friends continue to include invitations to both of us
and he drops in at the house whenever he wants despite my pleas to call
ahead. He makes promises to the children he doesn't keep and he is
breaking their hearts as effectively as he has broken mine over the years.
And so it goes...
Answer:
- Grief cycle until you actually separate - you can "mentally travel"
through the grief process.
- You didn't tell me the ages of your children - the strong single
parent is a hard-long road BUT can be full of rewards that make the
journey worthwhile. (My children were 11 & 13 and are now 19 & 22 and we
all survived and much stronger!)
- Don't even think of meeting other men at this time (mentally you are
not prepared and shouldn't even consider until a year after your divorce!
- For social benefit (and you will need to get out BUT NOT AS A DATE)
join Parents Without Partners to get to meet other parents just like you)
- You can always change locks
- You cannot be responsible for his actions (breaking the kids hearts)
with his children. As an adult he is responsible for his actions. Just
don't cut him down to his children - unfortunately, he will do it
himself.
My book deals with a lot of these issues including the support groups, how to help children, new relationships, finances, etc. You can order it by calling toll free at 888-267-3929 PIN #7176.
Maria Costa (Author & Seminar Speaker) A well known certified speaker and seminar leader, continues to inspire, motivate and challenge people to push their envelopes farther, both before and after experiencing divorce. A graduate of National-Louis University, with a Masters in Management, Ms. Costa is very active in her community. She is President of the Board of Directors of the Women's Resource Center, Fredericksburg, VA, President of Hispanic Internal Revenue Employees (HIRE), IRS, Washington Chapter and board member of Professional Women's Network. Be sure to visit Maria Costa's web site
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You sound as if you've put a lot of thought and soul searching to get to
this point. You ask a lot of questions so here it goes to bad you
didn't tell me the ages of your children...
Holidays are extremely painful times when going through a separation!
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