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Ask the Divorced Woman!
by Maria Costa
Title: How Do I Tell My Spouse I Want Out
Question:
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I am a man....first off...
My wife and I are Navy - she is currently deployed to the Gulf...until October..
In her absence I have made the decision that I want to divorce - for me.....and my happiness.
The question is: is there a "humane" way to tell her...considering she is not here...should I wait...or not....I do not hate her - just do not love her....
Really could use some advice....
Answer:
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NO ONE, likes to receive a "Dear John/Mary" letter. Does she even suspect
that you aren't happy???? There is no easy way to do this - but by mail
is not the "manly" thing either. It is a tough call - when is she due to
come home?
Do you have someone you are seeing and is that what is making you unhappy in your present marriage???
Reply: WOW - you do ask the hard questions...
Well..ok then..She is due back in October...and I told her on the phone that I am going through a series of changes...too many too list here...and that my goals in life..are not as they once were..it seems so clear to me without her here..
I do not love, and have not loved her for at least 5 years...since her affair...one year after our marriage..I have a 6yo daughter here with me..from her...and that is very tough.
I have not personally met anyone that influences my decision..but I have talked to someone...online..and on the phone..for two weeks now...and I am very interested in meeting her...she is local...
I have asked myself that question.. "would I still want a divorce if I had not met her" and I can say without hesitation "YES" ...
I do not want her in limbo for the next 5 months...and I do not want to crush her...we are "best friends" - just not in love...
but I do want more in life...to love, be loved, and live for love.....that has not been in my marriage, and will never be due to the affair....tried to overcome that for 5 years...and cannot forgive or forget...just kept on hitting that square peg into the round hole...and for what...the sake of my daughter.....and the fear to lose all the material things we have acquired...
Maria's Second Reply:
I am afraid I am going to keep asking you questions while at the same time answer some of yours - - fair????
What did she say when you told her that you were going through a series of changes??? John, what I am really asking is "have you told her that you want OUT of your marriage?" Until you can honestly have this conversation with your spouse you are not being fair to her or more important to you.
Her affair 5 years ago is still eating at you - - I understand that is a tough one to go through because of trust, love, togetherness, etc., but buddy two wrongs have never made a right one.
You really need to finish one relationship before you start another one. As far as your friend on the internet - - PLEASE don't jump to any conclusions. Make arrangements to meet her at a restaurant and just talk to her. So many folks make some serious decisions based on an "internet" friend that is so out of character for them and sometimes very dangerous.
As far as your spouse being in limbo for the next five months... You need more than 5 months to close up a marriage. If your new friend is what is hurrying you - - it isn't a good relationship right off the bat!! Your new friend should be supportive of you trying to finish this relationship in the correct way - you and your ex will have to talk to one another for many years because of your daughter - please reconsider how you are ending the marriage. Could haunt you!!
Pick up my book "When the Vows Break: Living Through Separation & Divorce" it will help you with the above questions plus how to join support groups which you need to do! If you can't find it in your local bookstore call my toll free number 888-267-3929 PIN #7176.
Maria Costa (Author & Seminar Speaker) A well known certified speaker and seminar leader, continues to inspire, motivate and challenge people to push their envelopes farther, both before and after experiencing divorce. A graduate of National-Louis University, with a Masters in Management, Ms. Costa is very active in her community. She is President of the Board of Directors of the Women's Resource Center, Fredericksburg, VA, President of Hispanic Internal Revenue Employees (HIRE), IRS, Washington Chapter and board member of Professional Women's Network. Be sure to visit Maria Costa's web site
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