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Ask the Divorced Woman!
by Maria Costa
Title: Feelings of Guilt
Question:
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This question may be a little off topic for you, but I couldn't find any
links that specifically covered my problem. I have a close friend who
recently confided in me. He is fifteen years old and his parents were
divorced about one year ago. He knew that they were getting divorced a
year and a half before they actually separated. I think that he blames
himself for their unhappy marriage. He was born before they got
married, so he believes that they only got married for his sake. I
don't see how their marriage can be his fault, especially since they
stayed together for so long and had two other children. He said that
they only had the other kids in an effort to save the marriage.
I am very worried about my friend and wish that I could find a better
way to comfort him. He told me that he was very depressed for a long
time after the divorce. He also hinted that he was suicidal at one
point. I think that he believes that he is a mistake and should not
have been born. How can I convince him that his parents' divorce was
not his fault? He is such a kind and wonderful person; it hurts me to
see him this way.
Please help me if you can. I can see that you give good advice.
Answer:
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Sorry this has taken so long to answer I have been on travel. I am sorry
your friend is having such a hard time - the good thing is he has a
friend like you who is concerned. Now first of all and MOST important is
that you tell someone you trust that knows your friend about his
thoughts. How about your parents or a school counselor.
Your buddy could use some counseling about the way he feels. No one needs to take blame for the divorce other than the parents themselves. Your friend is NOT to blame and if every child felt as if they were to blame we would have a lot of children under counseling.
Unfortunately, the divorce rate in America is 65%! So you tell your buddy to "buck up" it wasn't his fault and he should let his parents handle their own state of affairs. What is more important is him feeling good about himself and learn from the experience.
Best of luck and please try to talk to an adult that you both trust.
Pick up my book "When the Vows Break: Living Through Separation & Divorce" it will help you with the above questions plus how to join support groups which you need to do! If you can't find it in your local bookstore call my toll free number 888-267-3929 PIN #7176.
Maria Costa (Author & Seminar Speaker) A well known certified speaker and seminar leader, continues to inspire, motivate and challenge people to push their envelopes farther, both before and after experiencing divorce. A graduate of National-Louis University, with a Masters in Management, Ms. Costa is very active in her community. She is President of the Board of Directors of the Women's Resource Center, Fredericksburg, VA, President of Hispanic Internal Revenue Employees (HIRE), IRS, Washington Chapter and board member of Professional Women's Network. Be sure to visit Maria Costa's web site
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