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Ask the Divorced Woman!
by Maria Costa
Title: Helpful Divorce Questions & Answers
Question:
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Hi. I am a mother of two--5 and 3 yrs. I have been married for 9 years and
my husband and I have assets that we have worked together to obtain. After my
first child was born, my husband did not want me to return to work--my work is
raising my children (and I love it).
I am reluctant to divorce but the situation is progressively getting worse--no matter how hard I am trying to save my marriage.
My questions are:
1. Do you think I would receive alimony?
2. Obviously I would receive custody of my children and child support, but I wonder if I'd be able to keep our home... Uprooting the children is not an option for me.
3. How fair are the courts? In your opinion, did you get your fair share? Did your kids (if applicable) get the shaft? Or did you all come out of the divorce ok--except emotionally, of course?
4. If you do have kids, did they have an repercussions from the divorce?
I guess I'm pretty scared right now. I don't really want to get divorced--for the kids sakes and selfishly for my own too. Any advice? Thank you for your help.
Answer:
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Let us start with your first question.
1. As far as you receiving alimony, my first thought is yes - but the judges take a lot into consideration. Each situation is totally different and a lot depends on your family's financial situation.
2. Again your second question deals with finances and without knowledge of who makes how much and what your debt situation is again, all of this goes into the question pile. The key to both of these questions and is basically the overall financial situation and how much your separation is "friendly or ugly".
As far as uprooting the children - you are very fortunate that they are little and if staying in the home is going to be a tremendous financial burden to both of you - my advice is sell it and buy something that you can afford and that won't have some many memories.
Hanging on to the house "because of the children" is not good enough. The impact on both spouses should be a major factor in the decision. Don't hang on to the house for the sake of memories it will have a negative impact on you in the long run.
3. We've all heard some horror stories as to how the courts made these horrible decisions for couples. What you have to remember the courts don't decide - unless the couples can agree! Then, and only then, will the courts step in.
In my divorce - my ex and I agreed and were amicable in dividing our goods and dealing with the kids. Neither one of us wanted to "shaft" the other and we both knew that we still needed to survive in two different homes. So finances were a concern.
Our children were 13 and 11 and we all came out OK in the divorce. Emotionally of course they missed their dad but had access to him at any time during that first year (which is the hardest). But sad to report, my ex moved back to MA (we live in VA) about four years ago and has not kept in touch with our now 22 and 20 year olds. My son now has his own daughter (1) and another on the way and his dad has no idea that he is a grandfather. His loss.
4. Other than feeling abandoned after he moved to MA, no they are emotionally doing good. But wish their dad had not let them go.
Being scared is normal, the key if the two of you can agree on all the right stuff (finances, separating goods, visitation, etc.) your divorce can be a lot easier than if the two of you fight each step of the way. Then everyone loses.
Pick up my book "When the Vows Break: Living Through Separation & Divorce" it will help you with the above questions plus how to join support groups which you need to do! If you can't find it in your local bookstore call my toll free number 888-267-3929 PIN #7176.
Maria Costa (Author & Seminar Speaker) A well known certified speaker and seminar leader, continues to inspire, motivate and challenge people to push their envelopes farther, both before and after experiencing divorce. A graduate of National-Louis University, with a Masters in Management, Ms. Costa is very active in her community. She is President of the Board of Directors of the Women's Resource Center, Fredericksburg, VA, President of Hispanic Internal Revenue Employees (HIRE), IRS, Washington Chapter and board member of Professional Women's Network. Be sure to visit Maria Costa's web site
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