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Ask the Divorced Woman!
by Maria Costa
Title: Relationship - Too Early??
Question:
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I am dating a man going through a divorce. He is going through a custody
battle for his kids and he told me 5 weeks ago that he can't handle our
relationship right now. That he only wants to concentrate on the custody
battle, that it has nothing to do with me, just that. Then about 2 or 3
weeks ago, he comes over to hang out one night. Nothing happened, and
before he left I asked him what was up. He told me that he has no
feelings for me, doesn't love me anymore and only wants to be friends.
We work together, so the next day I told him I found it hard to believe
that he just lost his feelings for me that quick. I forgot to mention
that he also told me that I am the only person who has ever supported
him fully and has believed in him. He said he has never had anyone do
that for him like I have. Anyway, after I told him I don't believe him,
he got angry and said,"I've accepted it why can't you? Well, if you
don't believe me, then why don't you just leave me alone and see what
happens?" Since then, he walks by my office, smiles and stares at me,
comes in and asks me if I am ok, is anything wrong, what am I working
on, he does stuff in front of my office to get my attention, etc.
Monday, he calls me from home to ask me what to do about his daughter
who is two and got hit by a hockey stick by her brother. But what was
weird about it was that he calls me 3 hours after it happened, and I
don't have any kids of my own, so why call me? What do I do? How do I
handle this situation? He and I were talking about getting married. Is
there any hope for us to get back together after this custody thing is
over or is it really over? He is a very stubborn person and does what he
wants to. But, he does change his mind after he thinks about things for
awhile. But I am not sure what to do. If I ignore him, he seems to come
to me. If I pay attention, he backs away. Is there any chance in saving
our relationship or am I kidding myself? Any advice you can give me
would be greatly appreciated. Please send response to my home email:
cmdlwww@erols.com since I am sending this one from work and he can get
into my work email. Thanking you in advance!
Answer:
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First of all - you are headed for trouble in this relationship because he
needs to get over his custody battle for one and then he needs to recover
from his broken marriage. The average time (of course this is different
for each person) for someone to recover from a divorce is approximately
one year AFTER the final decree.
You need to help him AS A FRIEND. But, make sure you tell him that you will be dating other folks and you just want to remain friends at work. If that doesn't work and he comes bothering you at work - - talk to your boss about harassment.
Pick up my book "When the Vows Break: Living Through Separation & Divorce" it will help you with the above questions plus how to join support groups which you need to do! If you can't find it in your local bookstore call my toll free number 888-267-3929 PIN #7176.
Maria Costa (Author & Seminar Speaker) A well known certified speaker and seminar leader, continues to inspire, motivate and challenge people to push their envelopes farther, both before and after experiencing divorce. A graduate of National-Louis University, with a Masters in Management, Ms. Costa is very active in her community. She is President of the Board of Directors of the Women's Resource Center, Fredericksburg, VA, President of Hispanic Internal Revenue Employees (HIRE), IRS, Washington Chapter and board member of Professional Women's Network. Be sure to visit Maria Costa's web site
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