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Ask the Divorced Woman!
by Maria Costa
Title: When Enough is Enough!
Question:
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I've only been married for 3 1/2 years, it seems like much longer at times.
My husband suffers from severe depression and is from several generations of
alcoholism. Although he doesn't drink himself, he is what you would call a
'dry drunk' and at times I've wondered if it wouldn't be better is he did
drink. After less then 6 months of married my husband began talking about
suicide, he has been on several medications and seen several professionals. I
have been supporting us financially for the entire marriage while he received
his Bachelors' Degree, but, he has not been able to keep a job for any longer
then 5-6 months. I finally left the house approx. 4 months ago when I
couldn't take the mental, emotional and verbal abuse. When I left, I
stipulated 3 things would have to happen for me to come home: 1- get back on
the medication and stay on it, 2- get professional help and stick to it, 3-
get a job and work for more then 6 months. I told him I would give him a
year of separation. He has since, gotten back on the meds and seen a doctor,
however, he has still not been able to keep a job - he has started several and
quit within a few days. Every time I see him, he begs me to come home and
tells me he changed; then, when that doesn't work, he begins to yell at me and
call me selfish, etc. The problem is this....I come from a christian home
and a church that doesn't believe in divorce, however, I have now developed
migraine headaches and a stress ulcer. I'm torn between my desire to have a
healthier, happier life (i.e. divorce) and my moral obligation to a life-long
marriage. Any thoughts to help me resolve my dilemma?
Answer:
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I can only sympathize with you at this time - because just about each one
of us that considers divorce goes through the emotional upheaval that you
described above...
You seem to be living a very codependent life with your spouse. You CAN'T do it for him - - he has to make decisions and stick to them or suffer the consequences. In this case - a divorce.
You need to put in your mind that you WILL NOT be able to change his behavior - he can only do that!!
Another words - you are fighting a losing battle. You need to decide what type of life you want for the rest of your life and if its what you now have - go for it. If you want better - then consider divorce.
It isn't an easy course - but one that you have to decide. Word of caution THINK OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE - IS THIS HOW YOU WANT IT? HOW ABOUT A FAMILY? DO YOU WANT THEM IN THIS ENVIRONMENT?
Pick up my book "When the Vows Break: Living Through Separation & Divorce" it will help you with the above questions plus how to join support groups which you need to do! If you can't find it in your local bookstore call my toll free number 888-267-3929 PIN #7176.
Maria Costa (Author & Seminar Speaker) A well known certified speaker and seminar leader, continues to inspire, motivate and challenge people to push their envelopes farther, both before and after experiencing divorce. A graduate of National-Louis University, with a Masters in Management, Ms. Costa is very active in her community. She is President of the Board of Directors of the Women's Resource Center, Fredericksburg, VA, President of Hispanic Internal Revenue Employees (HIRE), IRS, Washington Chapter and board member of Professional Women's Network. Be sure to visit Maria Costa's web site
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