CaroleB
New
Reged: 03/23/07
Posts: 4
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hi all,
I have been married for a while to a man who was everything that I wanted-- good looking but more imporrtantly seemed really loyal, solid, able to provide, etc. Anyways unfortunatley after we'd b een married a while he began to act more controlling, not anything outragous but I just felt like he had to be in charge of everything, and would act kind of intimidating, nothing I could put my finger on specifically, if he didnt like soemthing. We have a son and since last year I started getting depressed after an incident that he made me have relations with him, that was the only time he did that, but it affected me, he became physically abusive, on several occasions, two of them were 'minor'- but around the end of the year there was an incdient where he became enraged and punched, slapped and this is the only time it evr happened of insisting I have relations with him. After that time I have felt somewaht depressed. I told him this but he just dismissed it. I dont want to get help apart from him because he said not to, dont need to spend the money, all I need to do is get my nails done or buy a new dress, etc. .
I dont see any way really to change things, he is in law enforcement and has alot of friends connected in that, etc. He doesnt abuse me every day or anything ike that, it is just sporadic, every few months or even just once or twice a year. I justt try to avoid him when he's in a mood or if I cant avoid him I try to just go along with what he wants, but this has started making me more depressed. If he wasnt in his job that he is, I might be more willing to try and seperate temporarily from him to see if he'll get help..but once I did mention that I didnt want to live this way, he just looked at me hard and said 'dont try anything funny..i know where all the shelters are at'
My son is getting a little older and I dont want him to be exposed to this, although somehow my husband has been able to control himself and only abuse me when we're alone or he's sure he's not around or in earshot
I dont read of others who are married to police with this problem. I actually know a lady in our area, my sister's friend and her husband is a police officer, as far as I know they dont have this problem, but who knows, I spose they could and I just dont know...
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3309
Loc: Florida
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Hi
You are experiencing the cycle of abuse. I'll bump up a earlier post that explains it.
Without him addressing the situation and getting help more than likely it will continue. It may be a year in between episodes or even longer but most likely the abuse cycle will not stop and probably the episodes will get closer and closer together. If he's discussing shelters than he knows that there's a problem, he's just not willing to do anything about it because it's not a problem for HIM.
You need to do what's right for YOU. If that means counseling then go.
As far as other police officers and their families...although it doesn't really matter, there are abusive situations in many classes of society. I remember a situation in court where the offender was a highly respected doctor who almost blew his kids head off while wrestling with a gun. The 16 year old was trying to stop his father from shooting his mother. He succeeded in stopping him but received injury in the process. Anyway my point is that whats relevant is how you want to handle the situation, what you are willing to live with and have your child live with.
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2363
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Go get help immediately. Have you told your family? Can you go and stay there?
I once heard this on a talk show from a therapist, probably Dr. Phil: Abusers are such cowards that they always attack behind closed doors.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5191
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This is not a thing with police officers, just more troubling, because we have higher expectations of them than we do of the rest of the world... and of course, more troubling because of things they can do like convince you that they are so knowledgeable & powerful that you should not dare to defy them.
Believe me, the shelters in the area, having heard your story of this threat, would double up on security & he'd be more worried about losing his job than finding you & harassing you some more. But you, more than most, need a safety plan, for just this reason. Please contact a local shelter & ask them for help in figuring out how to get out safely if you get to the point where you can't take it any more.
You will want to plan for how to take care of your son, whether or not you need clothing, how to handle getting to & from your work (how to GET work so you can support yourself if you don't work already). If he does not prohibit you from working, go find a job right now! They'll help you figure out how to find a safe place to say & how to keep from getting on the wrong side of a credit card that gets closed or bank account that gets wiped out.
Once you have a plan, worked out with a shelter, you'll feel a whole lot better about whether or not you can & should stay with him, or whether you wnat to leave.
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steve_197430
Bronze
Reged: 07/23/07
Posts: 37
Loc: Maryland
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Actually abuse in marriages where one spouse is a police officer is VERY common. Police officers have a tendancy to bring their work mentality into their personal life. They have to be controlling and rough on the streets to maintain order but they often cannot turn off that switdh so they can return home a normal person. I have 5 officers in my family. All of which are heavy drinkers, abusers, etc. I'm not saying all are like this, but many are. If you want your marriage to atsy together, seek counseling through the police dept. They have many programs for officers like him. If he isn't willing to go, then you need to make a decision to stay and put up with it, or leave. The latter being the best choice. Contact your family, they will understand and give you all the help and support you need. It is not good for you and your son to be living in that situation. I was a child of an abusive police dad. Believe me, it does life long damage to you. Good luck and keep us all posted. We are all here for you....
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I tried to put my signature here but my pen wouldn't work and now I have ink all over my display.
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