Roana
Gold
Reged: 06/06/07
Posts: 149
Loc: KCMO
|
|
Hi my name is Sharon. I've been lurking and reading posts. I wasn't too sure where to post this and I guess this is the closest to my circumstances.
I havent yet mentioned the 'd' word to husband. I have been sitting on that fence for some time though. Years actually. Though our relationship has been rocky and not really much of a relationship for the past 10 or so years. Ours is a his, mine and ours family with 9 children total. We have been married for 16 years and have had 4 children together. 3 are still at home. Two moved out quite early because of the mental and emotional abuse. One still at home has recently attempted suicide and come to find out it is because of not being able to deal emotionally with dad. She would rather go back to stay in the hospital she tells me than to be at home. He is very manipulative and I have only within the last 3-5 years really seen things for what they are. NOW the kids tell me...he acts differently when I am gone versus when I am home. He is not physically abusive. Though sometimes I think that would be less damaging. Our youngest is 8 and is a total daddies girl. Which he encourages. Leaving is going to tear her apart, but it is long past time. It has been so long since I have been on my own I am terrified. Any issues between us he seems to take out on everyone. I have nobody for support other than coworkers and I prefer not to bare my soul to those I have to work with. Due to his antisocial personality I have no friends and have pretty much not had much contact with family for the last 15 years.
I am really just looking for somewhere to vent, cry and get a little support...maybe a few suggestions here and there.
Thank you everyone in advance.
Sharon
--------------------
Sharon
One step at a time....
|
Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3590
|
|
The first thing that I would do is contact your family and reestablish your ties with them.
You are going to need them. I would also get into counseling to help you get through this emotionally.
|
mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3309
Loc: Florida
|
|
HI...sometimes change is so hard that we find ourselves staying in a situation that we would have told friends to get out of years ago. You find out that the normalcy you thought you had really isn't "normal" at all. In the sense that a loving relationship with another person shouldn't be emotionally abusive. What I noticed is that my kids were so used to the swearing, screaming and name calling that it became normal to them. My 7 year old has non-chalantly talked about his dad throwing him across the room and shaking him as if it's no big deal...if I had known years before I would have taken action.
The kids didn't tell me for two reasons...one is from fear that he would be angry and find a way to get back at them and two is because the more minor offenses were normalized. He still denies that he did anything wrong although he admits to half of the abuse but calls it 'discipline'.
You have to decide what you want. Nobody can do that for you. Is this what you want your kids to see as a normal relationship? Is this what you want for their future?
Look into counseling for your kids and yourself. Will he go to counseling or is that not an option? You said he is not physically abusive, do the kids confirm that as well? Be very cautious if you do make plans to divorce. Have a plan set ahead of time to minimize the potential danger.
I'm sorry you are here, but come and speak...we are listening.
|
Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2363
|
|
You have a job and that's half the battle.
This is definately doable. I'm not saying it's not difficult, but you'll be so much happier on the other side.
There are lots of people here for support.
|
sad3besingle
Platinum
Reged: 07/04/07
Posts: 353
Loc: US, Dakotas
|
|
Jadas right... contact family and try to re-connect. You may be surprised and get some valuable advice and needed support.
You're in the right spot for support! You'll find alot of people with similar circumstances like yourself. You made the move by coming here. Think of this site as a place to vent your problems!
Do your homework now though! Get yourself educated on the divorce process. At the very least, head to the library and check out books on divorce (from dealing with the emotional difficulties to the financial planning). Doing this reading will keep you focused on what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kids.
Consult the right attorney and get that 30 minutes of free advice.
Just know everything you can about divorce. it could be tough road to travel.
Good luck.
--------------------
That which does not kill me, makes me stronger
|
sunshine
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/06
Posts: 3078
|
|
So sorry you are going thru all this...but if this helps...I was with someone I should of left...for 39yrs...I wish I had left sooner..it isn't any easier later....if you feel you would be better off without him...and he is causing you all that pain...then get some advice from an attorney...you have a right to be happy..only you know what you need right now...and by all means..contact your family...they need to know what is going on...he could be telling them not to contact you...you need them...call them
|
Roana
Gold
Reged: 06/06/07
Posts: 149
Loc: KCMO
|
|
Thanks everyone. Feels good to know there is someone to talk to that cares. I see a lot of caring hearts here. UPDATE: I DID IT! Anxiety was so bad thought I was having a heart attack, but I talked to him. It went much better than I was expecting. So far there hae been no arguments, but then it has only been 2 days. Gonna move out Oct 1, only because I need to get my van fixed first so I have semi reliable transportation.
Problem on the horizon: 8 yr old daughter (daddy's buddy) he thinks she should stay with him. I've told him no, but he wants a good reason why not. Thinkin I should wait until I actually have own place before I delve into that one.
Thank you so much everyone. You all helped me work up the courage to finally do something.
Sharon
--------------------
Sharon
One step at a time....
|
steve_197430
Bronze
Reged: 07/23/07
Posts: 37
Loc: Maryland
|
|
Way to go Sharon! The next step is to contact your family and let them know. You will be surprised how many " I knew something wasn't right with him" you'll get. Believe me, they will all understand and will help you any way theu can. You will be surprised how much they really know about your marriage just from watching from the sidelines. You will need the support of family to help you through this big step. Family always takes you back. Unless you are Jeffrey Dommer!
--------------------
I tried to put my signature here but my pen wouldn't work and now I have ink all over my display.
|
Roana
Gold
Reged: 06/06/07
Posts: 149
Loc: KCMO
|
|
Well it is no longer Oct 1st. He has already gotten himself an apt and will be moving Sept 1st.
Our son is going with him, but the girls are gonna stay with me.
I'm am scared to death, but I also feel kind of peaceful?
I was hoping to tie up some loose ends, but I'm gonna have to manage.
Thanks again everyone!!!
--------------------
Sharon
One step at a time....
|
meemster
Platinum
Reged: 06/29/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Washington
|
|
Way to go! You made the first step toward a new life!
It will be hard, but you can always post here or just read and learn, which is what I do, when the going gets tough.
You will be fine - contact your family. I would imagine they will be happy to hear from you and hopefully be a source of support.
See a therapist if you think you need one. Keep busy, know that the hard moments won't last forever, and know that there are scads, and I mean scads! of us out there who have gone thru the same feelings and emerged better people for it.
The last thing I would say, and not everyone will agree with me, is to get in touch with your Higher Power, whoever or whatever that may be. That alone has helped me more than anything.
Take care.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
