Divorce Support Forums: Emotionally/verbally abused Help! (LONG)

Hi I am new to the board. I am in a bad situation where I have been married for over 7 years and we have two young children. My husband has been emotionally/verbally abusive to me and very controlling through most of the marriage. He was physically abusive a few times during the first few years of our marriage, I wish I would have had the brains or nerve to leave, however, he was so so "sorry" and would be sweet and do nice things and take me shopping. He has destroyed my clothing before, cut up a shirt that he knew that I loved, destroyed the children's toys because they weren't put away, threw a whole pizza in the trash because they tried to eat it but he was on the phone and wouldn't let them eat. He has done so many things that I know qualifies as abuse. He won't even let me work outside of the home! Which I must add, he has let me before only to ruin things for me. One of the things he will bring up I am sure is that there is a guy from one of the places that I worked at who hubby had me to make advances towards because he wanted me to have a sexual affair...he liked the idea of me being with another man because of our "Lifestyle" that he had forced me in. Then he turned around and made me quit the job because he got jealous of this guy! Weird I know but welcome to my world. Also he forced me into a job as a dancer as well and then another time he made me quit because he couldn't handle the kids while I was gone. I worked 2nd shift and would come home late at night and find out that they had not been fed, or that Daddy only let them eat Reese cups and cookies and wouldn't feed them any real food. We also have older kids from our previous marriages and they would try to fix their own dinner and he wouldn't let them, told them to wait until I came home. It got to the point to where his sons' mother was sending Ramen noodles and canned food with them just so they would have something to eat!

Also I want to start going to church, I have my children in church choir and they were even in the Sunday school Christmas program (which hubby didn't attend). He keeps saying that he doesn't want them in choir, or going to church, he makes fun of the religious denomination that I am and says that his kids shouldn't be in that demonination, that is his excuse for not letting them or me go to church like we want to. If I had it my way we would be in church every Sunday but he won't let this happen! He has alienated me from all of my friends, and is in the process of trying to keep me from being with my family, he didn't let us go to the family Christmas party last Saturday saying the "weather was bad" but funny how it wasn't too bad for him to go 20 miles away and pick up his son and then later drop him off!

I don't know how I am going to prove all this to the judge when it comes to custody when I do divorce him. Like I said it hasn't been physical abuse in years but I believe some of this abuse is not only verbal/emotional but sexual abuse as well.

I am in the process of seeking an attorney and was told by someone to leave and go live with my mother but then someone else told me that if I left then he would have a better chance of getting our house, even though we rent from a friend of my parents.

He also knows that I have a history of depression for which my ex husband used against me in a previous custody battle with my two sons. I was scared that I didn't have a chance to win them so I sadly gave them up 8 years ago. I know that that past case is irrelevant but what about the depression? I am not even taking medication at all, I wanted to in the past but he wouldn't let me saying it was "dope". I am so scared he will use this against me.

He has also forced sex on me when I didn't want it, has forced me to have sex with other people, and even taking pictures of me for a pornographic site, which I have destroyed but I'm sure there are pictures floating around somewhere.

I need help!!! I am so scared for my safety and I want to just leave. It is so close to Christmas I don't want to ruin anyone's Christmas but he is going to be on vacation from work for 10 days and I can't stand anymore of his ways, as well as how he orders me around, makes me wait on him hand and foot, even to get him a glass of water. He even makes our children go fetch his cigarettes and lighter which I think is just wrong. Also he walks around the house naked alot and since our youngest children are girls I feel this is very inappropriate behavior.

Please help, I need advice! I don't want to lose my kids, I know I have every right and deserve them. Also he is from out of state and I am scared he will kidnap them but if there are no custodial or temporary papers or court order then he can take them out of state, right?

I am so so so scared of him, I know I need to find a job ASAP that would probably be the thing to do first, but what else should I do? Also what about the kids' schooling, I don't want to disrupt that but if I moved they would be too far away and out of the district, but if I stay at my house I won't feel safe. I am so confused.

Sorry this is so long...please help!