ns12123
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Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 4
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I've read a few similar stories in this forum and thought I'd ask for some advice. I've been thinking of divorce a lot lately, and I'm realizing how attached I am to my wife.
The problem is, she has a horrendous anger problem. Like others have stated to describe the situation, it's like walking on eggshells. She'll snap at the smallest things, and has even hit me a few times. The hits haven't physically caused much harm, but I suppose the intention behind it is what I'm concerned about. I've repeatedly asked her to get counseling for it, and she refuses. Any advice would be appreciated.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3590
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[quote]I've read a few similar stories in this forum and thought I'd ask for some advice. I've been thinking of divorce a lot lately, and I'm realizing how attached I am to my wife.
The problem is, she has a horrendous anger problem. Like others have stated to describe the situation, it's like walking on eggshells. She'll snap at the smallest things, and has even hit me a few times. The hits haven't physically caused much harm, but I suppose the intention behind it is what I'm concerned about. I've repeatedly asked her to get counseling for it, and she refuses. Any advice would be appreciated. [/quote]
Your wife is assaulting you. And that is no way for you to live.
This is one of those times where you need to stand up for yourself and say no more. Do you have children? If so, before you leave, consult with an attorney about custody of the kids.
And if she assaults you again, call the cops and get a restraining order. That may be the wake up call that she needs to get help.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1315
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Is there any medical reason for it you think. Is there anything different that she is doing like did she just quit smoking and taking anything for it. Is she drinking or using drugs. How long has she been doing this?
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compassion08
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Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 14
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I can relate to your concerns, I have been living with an emotionally and verbally abusive man for eight years, and my thoughts are that he can't change unless he wants to, that's why I am leaving. He says he has changed, but he has never gotten help, and the minute i want to believe him, he blows up at me again. It's hard to deal with, and in my opinion, the only healthy thing to do is to get away from the situation. The only other alternative in my experience is to seek counselng for both of you---you for your healing, and her for her own healing. You can't fix or change her. She has to want that for herself, and she can't keep blaming you, which is what my husband always does, "Well, if only you hadn't pissed me off so bad, or if only you weren't too sensitive." NO excuse for his behavior, NONE.
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compassion08
New
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 14
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Sorry, one more thing i had to add is this, with emotional or verbal abuse, it can be subtle and hard to prove. In the end, now that I am leaving him, he is like, "WHY?" I am a great guy, you are just unstable and don't know what you're doing." Again, he blames me, but this is what is so dangerous about it, if you continue to put up with it, your mind will end up twisted, and your heart bitter, and that is no way to live and teach your kids about loving healthy relationships. That is what made me decide to leave. Adn if he can't acknowledge why, (my hubby), that is yet another thing he will have to face on his own sooner or later, cause he has to want to change. Okay, enough ranting, I wish you the best.
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scbeck
Platinum
Reged: 12/29/07
Posts: 918
Loc: New Brunswick Canada
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Don't fall into the trap we all did for so long in believing the abuser when they told us it was our fault they had to behave that way. After 13 years of marriage and probably 13 years of abuse my eyes are finally open to the fact that no excuse justifies the mental and verbal abuse I endured in that time and that I did not cause it. It was his problem and now he can deal with it on his own.
Christine
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This is the first day of the rest of my life. Or maybe tomorrow will be.
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ns12123
New
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 4
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Christine, that is spot on. My wife blames me for her anger, that I'm the cause of all her problems and any irrational action she commits is all my own fault. I'm having a tough time making the step to get out of it. She's pulling me back in since I brought up divorce and she's been acting better. I realize this is a phase, but it's just making it more difficult. I feel liberating just thinking about being out of all of this.
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Nish
Platinum
Reged: 02/18/07
Posts: 1657
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What you are currently experiencing is the "I'm Sorry Honeymoon Phase." Even if she didn't verbally say I Am Sorry, it is the phase that happens when they feel that you won't take their crap any longer. It won't last, because it can't, if the person who has the problem won't seek help.
I stopped counting the number of times my former husband would say "I am sorry and I will stop or cut down on my drinking." That would last, oh maybe 2 weeks if I was lucky. Then in less than a week, is was back to his usual alcoholic ways.
I certainly does make it harder to leave, while they are acting like they are trying to change. You want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and when it doesn't last, you just want to kick yourself and wonder how the hell did you get sucked into it again.
If you can't get her to go to counseling, then go yourself. It won't change her, because noone but her, can do that. It will help you help you see what your options are and to come up with how you want to proceed.
My former husband never said it was my fault, but he didn't have to. I was sure if I did this or that, I could somehow reach him, deep inside where he lived but refused to share with me, and help him. I felt I had failed for the longest time. My therapist set me straight on that score real quick.
Good Luck and know we are here to help if we can.
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ns12123
New
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 4
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Thanks for the reply, Nish. That was encouraging.
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beentheretoo
New
Reged: 03/19/08
Posts: 1
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[quote]Is there any medical reason for it you think. Is there anything different that she is doing like did she just quit smoking and taking anything for it. Is she drinking or using drugs. How long has she been doing this? [/quote]
ns12123 Are you willing to address what has been said above? Is the anger situational? Has she changed since you've been married? Do you retaliate or have outbursts of your own?
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