ourhearts
New
Reged: 07/11/08
Posts: 18
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I am an engineer, work for a good company, make good money to support myself and my two kids nicely, already have my own home to go to, if things don't work out, so why am I here???
I fell in love with my huband thought he was my soul mate, we had everything perfect, our love for each other, our hobbies, values everything.
I guess I fell in love not rise in love, this is what he wanted.
We were happy when we were still living separate, but as soon as we moved in together, his controlling behaviour took over everything, worst verbal abuse towards me and my kids, he wants control over my every second of my life, he didn't want me ot have relationship wiht family and firends,w ho were my support system. He isolated me form everybody.
I was one independet woman, made my life on my own, never took ay charity form any man in my life, already divorced once and remaaried to him, I was the most bold woman on two legs, suddenly started getting scared of him. Why???
I was so surprised by this, that I asked him, why am I shaking leterally when I want to talkto you about somethng important, why I am already assuming I will get very negative reaction from you, do you like your spouse ot be scared of you. He didn't say anything.
Now after two years, after numrous conflicts and my desparate effort to break the ties of control with no success, we have been at the point of separating many times.
I feel I have nothing left here anymore, kids are always scared of him, whole environment is so hotile that my children don't want to live here anymore/
My counselor already told me, it is not healthy for me to live in this relationship, nothing will change ever, either I live on his 100% terms, or I will leave to get my self esteem and respect back.
I am at that door right now, looking both side to see where should I go, decision is all mine, he is not going to make any decision, plus I guess he is used to live in this kind of stress, I am not, it is poisnous.
Feel free to porvide your input.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3590
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Questions to ask yourself:
Is this how you want your children to live? In fear?
Is this the type of relationship that I would want them to have? Because that is the example that you are setting. That it's okay to be in an abusive relationship.
I know what my answer would be, what is yours?
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 2107
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Why are you there? You shouldn't be.
Let me be blunt.
You owe it to yourself and your children to leave.
If you can't leave for your own future, you have to leave for your children's future. You owe it to your kids and the happy, healthy adults they deserve to grow into, to leave an environment that is abusive and unhappy.
I'm sorry that I am speaking so plainly but you don't have a choice...you should not stay.
A living environment in which you and your children are fearful of - even if it is only sometimes, is not the right environment for them to be raised in. It is damaging.
From the day you leave you will start to feel your independence and old self return. Six months from now, you will never look back.
The real you is still there and will get you through this, you've just hidden that person away for now. But she'll start to come back the minute you leave.
Get on with it and good luck. No more limbo!
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caissonqueen
New
Reged: 05/31/08
Posts: 12
Loc: Chicago
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PLease make the necessary arrangements and get rid of him. You are a very strong woman, especially since you are an engineer and that is not an easy career path. Once you leave, it is amazing how much you change in a short amount of time. You will rediscover your old self, interests, hobbies, etc... Your children will have a chance to live a quiet and normal life. Gather the strength you had to survive engineering school and succeed at your company and move on. It will be hard, I will not lie. But you have an amazing strength in you.
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Can somebody stop the world so I can get off?
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1587
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I read an inspirational quote on my calendar this morning, about how when there is true love in our home, "our hearts can truly rest" there. Do you feel like your heart can rest in your home? Or, are you constantly guarding it, as well as your children's'? In my opinion, it's no way to raise kids. They need to feel secure and at home in their home. And, you'll be a better mom to them if you can rest your heart, too.
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eiram
Gold
Reged: 06/23/08
Posts: 124
Loc: Indiana
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wow german...what a great quote. spot on!
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to my ex - what goes around, comes around. you'll get yours...
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ourhearts
New
Reged: 07/11/08
Posts: 18
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Thanks for all your support. it is very confusing, hubby says lets go for counseling to resolve our issues, when I agreed to do so, he says well he needs to go one for himself first, because he has never been in a counseling, he wants to be prepared before he goes for marriage counseling with me. Again paranoia, I have asked him that we need to sell the house right now, which he agreed to do that. we have separated our finances, so that takes care of one problem, no more bully from him about money anymore. I think I still love him, somewhere in some shape and form and may be hoping for a positive outcome from the couseling. He is behaving good with me now, but I feel that we are sitting on a boiling lava, which is ready to explode anytime. I am there to be out, yes it is scary to think about living alone, may be peace is better than living together.
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MommyButterfly
Bronze
Reged: 02/22/08
Posts: 33
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I understand the waivering. I'm there now. One thing that is holding me here is the guilt of failure. The guilt of hurting him, the kids and the guilt of making a committment and not being able to carry it out. You can't leave, but feel that each day there you are slipping more away.
My best friend suggested to me the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." by Lundy Barcroft.
When they are being nice and seeming to be changing (mine is in the process of doing that also) it also makes it hard to decide what to do. You see the man who you thought you married, but yet you are sitting there waiting for the shoe to drop.
I know not much help, just to let you know that you are not alone. I just keep praying for strength to do what I need to do.
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sudenleesingle
New
Reged: 10/06/07
Posts: 22
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I am going to tell you why you are still there. It is because it is our nature to make sure things do not fail. Women hold on for dear life on just about everything until it is fixed. We don't like rejection, failure or pain. Men they will give up quite easily on a relationship and move on. Your story is exactly like mine..but mine ended horribly. He my ex since yesterday decided to go the other way. He wanted a man. And to uphold his reputation decided to make me look like the bad guy in it all. My whole marriage was a sham. You need to have that strength to walk out the door. He will only get worse and then if he finds out that you are trying to leave he will do a switcher-roo on you. Men like them don't like to be wrong about anything and don't make them look bad..oh no. My kids suffered and I let it happen. I am so hard on myself now even though I know they are healing..but it still happened and it is still a memory to them. Don't let it get to that. Your a wonderful woman..you can do it. :-)
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