No need to post a comment. My counselor told me to journal about the guilt I feel, and all my why's? Well, everything running in circles. Thought it might also help to post it here also.
Why? I ask myself …..why?
Why can I not love him as he wants me too?
He has stopped drinking.
He is seeking counseling on his controlling behavior.
He is not as angry as he was.
He is trying to be a better father.
Why? Why do I feel guilt over not completely accepting his changes?
Why do I feel like I’m always on guard and trapped?
It seems he is no longer monitoring my computer.
It seems he is no longer searching for my journals.
He wants to spend time with me, instead of sports and beer.
Why do I feel he wishes the kids were not here?
Why do I feel he wants me to spend every moment with him?
On vacation to see my family, he wanted my nieces to babysit.
On vacation I couldn’t go any where without him following.
Granted it is only his third time meeting my family in 14 years, he was uncomfortable.
Why don’t I want to have sex with him?
Why is it when he starts crying about not having sex, I feel guilt?
Why do I feel like a part of me is dying each day?
Why guilt over worrying raising my children from a divorced home than a loveless one?
Why do I have guilt over what the church will say if we divorce?
Why do I have guilt over wanting to be free?
Why do I feel guilt over praying he finds someone new?
Why do I feel guilt when he starts to cry and ask me not to hurt him?
Why do I wonder what I did wrong when he says, “We need to talk”.
Why do I suddenly have to go to the bathroom when he says the above?
Why do I feel beaten after we talk and he never touched me?
Why, oh why. So many more whys. Why all the guilt? When will it end?
Drop the self imposed guilt...He obviously has made you distrust him for a long time and that is NOT your fault.Stop blaming yourself.He played his part in this...and you might not ever be able to forgive and forget.
Maybe it is just too little too late. No matter what...your feelings are valid,and only you can answer your own questions.
You don't need anyone's permission to move on without him. Trust yourself....You know what is best for you.
Treat yourself with dignity...and the world will follow suit.
I only ask myself one thing these days....Do I have the right to care more about myself and my needs and expectations than his?
The answer is YES! I do...and so do you.
The rest will fall into it's own place, in it's own time.
GOOD LUCK and always honor yourself...or no one else will.
Heart On
-------------------- "No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." Nietzsche
The hardest thing about dealing with an alcohlic, abuser or addict is when they get help. They look at you and say, ok I did this - now you have to do that.
Truth is, while they were doing all that stuff, you were moving forward. It may be that you moved past that place in your life and don't want to go back. That feeling you have may not be guilt, it may just be sadness - you can't wait for him to catch up or you no longer want to.
Guilt is for doing something that was wrong. Moving forward is called life.
"The hardest thing about dealing with an alcohlic, abuser or addict is when they get help. They look at you and say, ok I did this - now you have to do that."
So true.And guess what....they should have gotten help for thier own good...not as a bargaining chip!
The hardest thing for me...was trusting that he wouldn't go back to the old behaviors...and guess what?
He did.And boy was I PISSED at myself for giving him WAY too many chances to hurt me.
Sometimes...we think that if we forgive someone or they "change"...we should stay with them...that isn't always the case.
I forgive my stbx's abusiveness and anger...but I don't want him back.
If I let him back again...I will lose what little self respect I have left.
I told him so...and he will have to live with that as a reason I am getting this divorce.Or make up his own reason. At this point...I don't care what he thinks.
That is the only way I can move on. By caring more about me than him.
He call's it selfish.I call it self preservation.
Heart On
-------------------- "No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." Nietzsche
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