melshab
New
Reged: 03/26/07
Posts: 4
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It's such a wicked game verbal abuse plays on the mind of the one being abused. My story is simple, and probably quite similar to others out there. My husband and I got married too quick (after 3 months). Just a couple months into the marriage, he became verbally abusive. He found out about my past and judged me for it - calling me every name in the book. Then it because physically abusive. A push here, a harder push, and then a push so hard I end up with bruises. We separate when I am 3 months pregnant. I get a restraining order. We go through counseling and end up back together. He pushes me one other time when I was 7 months pregnant - and nothing has happened since then. Until last night. Our son is now 11 months old. The verbal abuse has been coming for the last week. Sometimes I argue with him and make it worse, sometimes I say nothing and it gets bad anyway. Then last night he threw a gallon jug of water at me. I called the police. They came, and since he's military they got in touch with his supervisor and arranged for him to stay in the barricks. I talked to his supervisor today, and requested that we have more time apart. He can't come back to the home for the remainder of the week.
Here's the crazy, messed up part. I love him to death and can't imagine my life without him. I don't want to be without him. He's not here right now and I miss him like crazy. We had so many good times. He just gets in situations where he can't handle stress and he takes it out on me. Man - I just miss him so much. I'm pretty sure he's going to ask for a divorce because he's said lately when he's mad that he's not marriage material. Man - do you know how much it sucks to want to be with someone so bad and you love them so much and they tell you they don't want to be with you? Before I met him - I had a successful career, I was confident, had plenty of self esteem (probably too much)... What happened to me. He's going to be mad because his command (office) is involved. So he'll want a divorce. And instead of fighting to keep us together like I have so many other times, I'll agree to it. I know it's the best thing. But my heart is breaking inside. All I want to do is crawl in bed and wake up and it be nothing but a bad dream.
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dmc
Platinum
Reged: 06/28/06
Posts: 2949
Loc: Pennsylvania
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I'm sorry you are in the situation you are in. I, like you, was verbally and physically abused. You need to realize, no one deserves to be treated like that. It's wrong. Do not put yourself back into that situation. It's not easy to be without him because being with him was within your "comfort zone." and change is hard. Not knowing what your future holds is a scary thing too. He definitely needs counseling and you need separate counseling. I believe the abuse will only get worse so please be careful. Think of your safety and that of your child. Good luck to you.
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Donna
Touching Someone's Heart for a Mere Second Can Touch Their Soul for a Lifetime.
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sunshine
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/06
Posts: 3078
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One thing with abusers is they always pick a real confident take charge person...then the game begins...with them getting the victim dismanteled and confused...then degrading and losing self confidence enters the picture..and all of a sudden you cannot do anything right...and go to extremes to please them...and then just told..that it is not enough...lost is just the beginning...
They are such shallow minded people...what they take from you is what they themselves lack...they just don't want any competition...they want you at their level or lower...
They have multiple problems...that have nothing to do with you...it is just easier to push someone that has no idea..what is going on...it is a losing game for you to play with him...I doubt that he will change...and if he did..just how long would it last...before he starts in with a vengence that could lead to serious bodily harm...he isn't worth dying for...
you must consider your child...and yourself..first...
Please get some counslering and then consider further exstending your safety...he must be shown...that you will not allow this to continue...and please at this point ever consider trusting him...that he will get better....it should be...get better first...then you will talk about it..
I stayed with a very abusive man that started out slowly to not only verbally but emotionally and physically abusing me...and I felt like a prisoner with him....trust your inner voice and listen...you can decide to not take this anymore...the only one that can change is you...and you deserve to be treated decently..no one ever should harm you..especially pregnant...that is just amoral...
keep us posted...we care...
Edited by sunshine (03/26/07 11:06 PM)
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missy3
New
Reged: 03/26/07
Posts: 1
Loc: Florida
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I am curious about what others think of my situation...abusive or not. Married over 15 years, together 20. Met college. After my kids were born I think I must have stopped doting on my husband due to demands of kids 11 mos apart. Found out about 1st affair when oldest was in K. Trampy girl out for a man with money. Much younger. He was very remorseful and I was an emotional wreck. COntinued with therapy adn while in therapy it was revealed my husband lost respect cause I no longer "worked." It was decided I shoudl work, which i immediately got RE license to resolve. Didn't make enough money so not good enough...still didn't respect me anymore. Meanwhile found out he was having another affair with even younger (barely legal) girl all the while in counseling. husband swears doesnt want div. Treats me with emotional withholding and verbally accusing me of being lazy not wanting to work, etc. I have tried several other jobs but nothing is "up to my potential enough." Husband says I need job with lots of stress so I can see how stressful his job is, and says he will leave me if I don't follow thru.Says I must not care about our marriage enough to contribute just like he does. I could never make the kind of mney he makes which he acknowledges. He keeps very decent hours but wants me to work 8-5 and commute in to suberbs. Trouble is...I followed him around so much with his career I never got to develop my career. Having trouble seeing how my working full time when we still have elementary aged kids is in their best interest. Due to his past behaviour I am afraid he just wants me to make money to offset what he will have to pay me alimony. He makes very good living. Am I being paranoid? This has gone on for 4 years now so this is a long story short believe it or not.He says my kids are "Off the Tit" now and don't need me so mcuh. they end school at 2 and have lots of extra curriculars that he has no idea involve so much time. He has so much anger in him that he yells and screams at me if I bring up anything bothering me and won't acknowledge my concerns in a normal conversation. He is so exhausting to try to reason with I usually just find it easier to forget trying to rationalize with him.
Edited by missy3 (03/26/07 11:21 PM)
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sunshine
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/06
Posts: 3078
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Oh my God...are you trying for sainthood....you are always giving and what have you gotten?...you may be right about the job....he makes a half-ass concern for your future...without you knowing of course....
If you feel and by all means.. you sure have been shown...that there is something seriously wrong here!
If your needs are not regarded...then in his mind..you don't exsist...stbx had so many rules...funny ..he had none for himself..he was invincible...major money maker...I was nothing but a piss ant...
You can't keep giving that way...he has no right to order you around...sure he does not want a divorce..he has you all trained already...and as you seen with his mulitiple affairs....someone willing to take what he dishes out is hard to find...stbx didn't want a divorce either...where else could find such an all-day sucker like me..
When I decided that his abuse was going to stop..he decided to throw one more head bang to the floor on me...and he was arrested and jailed and fined...so I guess someone else also thought he was wrong...and then I filed for divorce...I have no choice..he has nothing more to say...because now..I don't have to listen..
...You are nobodies slave and he is not your boss...just stop trying to reason with him and start talking to a counseler..or find an abuse center...that is where they specialize in handling abusive situations...and can do more that just regular counseling...they have legal aides...and can help you if you need to move out...
I felt like I was talking to myself...because all he could say was.."Get out of the way..I'm trying to watch some TV"...exhausting and never caring...make some rules for yourself..let him know where the line stops...you deserve a good life...
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stoltz
Platinum
Reged: 01/29/07
Posts: 1494
Loc: Texas
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=============================================================
Here's the crazy, messed up part. I love him to death and can't imagine my life without him. I don't want to be without him. He's not here right now and I miss him like crazy. We had so many good times.
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I always find this hard to imagine, being a man. Why are women (usually young women) so attracted to men who abuse them and/or "bad" men? I continuously read stories about women such as yourself, who realize they are being abused, but are still attracted to the man, or women who have no relationship with such a person, but find them attractive. My 18yr old daughter is in such a relationship now, and would rather sever ties with those who REALLY love and care for her (her family) than with her abusive, druggy, can't hold a job, bad boy, fiance. And my sister told me her daughter still feels attracted to an ex-boyfriend that did drugs and is now in jail. I just can't understand it. And when many women hook-up with a man who wants to give them the world, who adores them, who loves them with all their heart and would never abuse them, they end up throwing it all away. I just can't understand it - or maybe it's so complex, there is no explanation.
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nancy5870
Gold
Reged: 03/16/07
Posts: 124
Loc: Cincinnati, OH
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It's because people are attracted to people they think they can "fix."
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Never Assume - the late great Sam Kenison
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melshab
New
Reged: 03/26/07
Posts: 4
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It's difficult to explain. I don't think for me it's because I was attracted to him because I thought I could fix him. I think the good parts were just so good, that I rationalized away the bad. My husband has a lot of good attributes. He's a good father, a good provider, he rarely drinks, he loves to go out and do things, he can be remarkably sweet at times and very affectionate, and in a lot of ways he's my best friend. His biggest problem is he doesn't know how to handle stress, and he reaches the point where he breaks. There are many things that he doesn't do - such as control all the money, restrict me from having friends, keep me locked in the house... he's not controlling at all. He just lets things eat him up inside and he doesn't know how to handle it when he reaches that breaking point. I've overlooked a lot of it because I understand where a lot of it comes from now... he grew up seeing it. He thought as long as he wasn't pummeling me, it wasn't really abuse. His mom (also a victim of abuse) has also given him advice that in my opinion, is very bad... i.e., it's not like you punched her or anything, or even saying that I can't prove that the pictures of the bruises were of bruises he gave me. She tries to protect her children - which I understand to an extent - except it does more damage than good. Both are sons have been abused and abusive, and her youngest son is on that same path (has threatened to kill her, etc). So for me - seeing how great he is with me and understanding what drives it, makes me see that it's almost like a sickness that needs to be overcome... and I think he's one of the ones who if he decided to ever take responsibility for it, he is strong willed enough to bring about change. So for that reason I have stuck around... because I love him, I see the good in him, and I see the boy who was hurt and abused and just needs someone to love him and help him.... all things that appeal to my primary nature which is a desire to nurture.
This is what I've gathered from my own introspection. It may not apply to every situation.
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MOM1234
New
Reged: 04/14/07
Posts: 7
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you need to leave this man. he will never be happy, you keep jumping through hoops for him and it is never enough there is always another hoop. He needs to make himself happy.
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MOM1234
New
Reged: 04/14/07
Posts: 7
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it is called codependency
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