Divorce Support Forums: Where to begin

I agree with Jada on her point that you need to start making appointments for free or low cost consultations with lawyers in your area to see if they can help you figure out what to do about payment of thier fees as well as your own expenses if you separate.

There are ways to handle this, and since I assume you have a house as well as the other stuff you said he has (retirement accounts, etc), you'll end up with half that stuff as well as probably alimony, so you'll be able to make ends meet eventually. You need to not spend any money at all on yourself, don't use credit cards, understand that you may be living in a lovely home, but you are living like a poorly paid housekeeper in that house, and you can't afford new clothing, manicures, etc... (not that this is waht you spend money on to GET those credit card balances, but it's kind of common)... if he complains that you are not buying what he wants you to buy with your allowance, just explain that you're saving to pay off your credit cards & can't afford to get the stuff he wants you to get, but if he's willing to give you a full partnership with the marriage and the money, then maybe between the two of you, you can figure out how to do things mroe fairly (this is not a good solution for the long run, as he's likely to not allow it, but that's the best you can do for a temporary explanation while you're saving up money that you'll need to hire a lawyer.)

We don't know your situation, whether your expenses & spending habits were reasonable and appropriately budgeted... people who overspend often don't realize that they are responsible for thier own problems until way too late, and even then, they often don't want to take responsibility for the fact that they should have cut back, insisting that cutbacks were impossible.

My husband, for example, should have done to his ex-wife, 15 years ago, what your husband did to you, with regard to the family finances. Becasue he didn't, they were never able to save a dime. If his back was turned, she'd write out a check for a non-refundable deposit on yet another over-priced purchase. He'd come hom eto find a hole in teh back yard & a swimming pool contractor's sign on the front yard. he'd come home to new cars in the driveway. One day, he even came home to find she'd put a non-refundable deposit down on a lot in a neighborhood that she insisted they needed to live in, which he said was not a good, buildable lot... anything built on it would cost twice what it was worth, because of the location, strange size & shape, and other issues within that neighborhood. He gave in (the deposit was non-refundable, it was early in the marriage and he didn't realize the extent of her mental problems at that point), and they built the house, but lost it a few years later when they could no longer afford the problems they had with it.

Even after the divorce, she keeps secrets, spends money, and then comes to him to get it paid... though now she can only spend money that's somehow related to "the kids" and justify the request that he reimburse her... and because the court was aware that this was a problem, they were pretty specific that he is NOT responsible for all this stuff unless he volunteers to take it on, which he does not volunteer for for esveral reasons: because her spending on this stuff is excessive, because she keeps it secret from him till after the fact in many situatinos, because she is extravagant with many things for herself (vacations, etc) and then comes to him to pay for SOCKS, because she uses the stuff she does for them to drive a wedge between him m& the kids and THEN wants him to pay for the stuff she's used this way... oh SO MANY reasons that he won't pay for it any more.

Still, she seems unable to rein in her spending, and he should have done it years ago.

If this is what your husband is going to say about spending & why he's done what he's done, then it's QUITE possible that he'll ALSO be fair with you about a reasonable settlement of the marital property, and because you've not spent it all, there IS some marital property to divide and you won't end up destitute... but better, if that's the case, is that this won't be a divorce full of anger, as long as yuo don't becoem unerasonable and demand too much, but from your statements so far, that doesn't look like it's a real danger.

If this is NOT why he was doing that, and he was just being a jerk for the fact that he COULD... well, getting a lawyer to make certain you get your fair share of half of the marital assets will be VERY important.

Good luck. Make some appointemnts with lawyers to see what they can do for you... and be prepared to be tough on yourself in deciding whether or not you've got a problem with being a spendthrift that made your husband's restrictions more reasonable, or whether he's been truly unreasonable and you've got to make a resolution to live like a pauper for a while so that you can get some savings out of the allowance that eh ahs given to you.

Good luck & let us know how things go.