kjo
New
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 2
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This is the first time I have posted anything, I have no idea what I am looking for - answers? support? just to know I am not the only person feeling like this? Maybe just to have some hear me? Everyone around me tells me to be strong and I will be fine. Outward I am kind of holding on - inward I am lost and falling apart.
I have been with my husband 10 years - the first 8 were the best years of my life. Slowly over 2 years my life fell apart. He moved out of our home 4 months ago and started the divorce. My husband started to become abusive about 2 years ago and agreed to get some help for his anger, but one thing after another seemed to get in the way. I am so lost with out him in my life, I feel like I can't go on. I have a 7 year old so I know I need to but it is hard. I wanted us to get help and see someone even after he left I asked for this - again he agreed and again something got in the way. Now after 4 months he has moved on, he has a girl friend. Hardest Christmas I have ever had. He is taking her and doing all the fun things we did, sharing all of our traditions we made together. We are not even close to being divorced, my lawyer told me at least another 4 months before things get settled. How do you go on, move on, or start over when your life is at a stand still? I am stuck in our home with all these memories. I can't seem to find any peace. Although I know I can't get my life back I still want it. How do you move ahead and stop all the hurt? How do you find peace when everything is so broken? How does life start over? :(
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sunshine
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/06
Posts: 3078
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I am so sorry I didn't find this earlier..sounds like alot of my issues..I was with the X for 39yrs...think I was trying to save it..yes I was..just because I know how hard it is to be alone...because alone is what I was with him anyway..
he was the worst momma's boy ever and refused therapy..I went..he did go a couple of times..but only to tell them what was wrong with me..he never had a problem according to him...
He really had a deep hatred for me..saying that because I was so good I made him look bad..ramblings of an insane person..he had multiple personalites..hated women...I felt trapped and like a prisoner..we had two sons..they acted as observers..I didn't tell them everything..then they felt awful for not doing anything about it...I should of left long ago..marriage changed him for the worst..I just ignored it but wondered why I felt so rejected and used by him...I asked him and he would laugh at me.. saying I was just jealous of his relationship with his mother...good God he was a real werdio...
I had him arrested for abuse..he naturally said he was not guilty..then I sued him for divorce..he didn't want that because then he would not have anyone to hid behind..because he acted like a fool 99% of the time...and just made me answer for his stupity...I lived in the home...he had to by court order pay all bills for house and pay me for support....it was a 1 1/2 yr. battle...I got half of the house value and the furniture and he had 90 days to come up with the money...I had an estate sale for the furniture ..I wasn't going to take it with me..bad karma...it is hard to do..but you will do it too...if you want more details or need some one to talk to.. pm me...you came to the right place..glad you found us..let us help if we can..
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scbeck
Platinum
Reged: 12/29/07
Posts: 918
Loc: New Brunswick Canada
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kjo
I'm right there with you. I found out from my stbx 4 days before Christmas that he had moved on and was sleeping with someone else. She has 2 kids so essentially he has dumped one family for another. We were married for 13 years but I would have to say the last 10 were hell. He was in the military and during our 1st year of marriage he was sent to Bosnia while I was pregnant for our daughter. He was captured and tortured over there and then 2 years after he returned he was in a military accident that left him with a head injury and he became someone I didn't know. The abuse was always emotional but it became worse and worse until I began to withdraw to protect myself. Our daughter became my priority as she got older and he did not do well with sharing my time.
This was the worst Christmas ever and I vary between second guessing what I did wrong and realizing that I didn't do anything wrong but try to keep my marriage intact despite how bad it was. It's amazing what Catholic guilt will let you put up with. And it's sad how brainwashed an intelligent person can get after 13 years of hearing what's wrong with them.
Thank god I stumbled across this site because when I can't touch base with my friends that have been so supportive I have this site where other people have been through it too and they have and are thriving so I know I'll get through this.
One day at a time and let the professionals do their jobs.
Christine
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This is the first day of the rest of my life. Or maybe tomorrow will be.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1691
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How does life start over?? Slowly and sometimes painfully. But it does start.
How do you do it? Because you don't have an optin not to?
IF he has been abusive, you are probably very caught still in self esteem isseus. Get yourself in counseling.
Focus on each day and each thing you do yourself. That is a victory. Doing something he used to do - victory. Now you can do it without someone else. OK - when you are mowing the lawn for the 15th time next summer - that buzz wears off, but celebrate the small victories.
And get into counseling. It will help you set small goals to help you keep moving.
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 2107
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Only 3 months ago, I was in the same kind of situation as you and the only reasons I had to keep going, or so I thought, were my 6 year old and 4 year old.
The first thing is, you're not lost without him. You're better off without an abuser - so is your son. Without him, you can move on now and have a happier life.
I started seeing a really good counsellor almost straightaway and I recommend you do too. I saw her once a week at first, then once a fortnight, then once a month. Now I'm only going to see her every two months. Also, keep talking to your friends, and don't be too proud to let them know how low you're feeling. It's amazing how much better you feel after getting the reassurance of friends and people who care about you.
This next thing is really hard. I don't know about you, but I felt like crawling into my bed and staying there for the rest of my life. Instead, I forced myself to get babysitters, get dressed, made myself look good and went out every few days or so, mostly to a friend's house or out for a coffee. Forcing yourself to do normal things is the first step to getting back to normal, and getting on with your life. And making yourself look good, makes you feel good and so much better about yourself.
There's one other thing too. When I felt really low, my kids who didn't really understand, would just seem to be there to give me a hug or a kiss. We are really lucky to have kids because their kind of love is so unconditional, there's nothing that compares!
I really feel for you but wanted you to know that 3 months on, I haven't felt so good in years. My life has started over and I'm definitely not lost without him in my life - far from it. I still have real wobbles, whole days when my world and confidence gets rocked again, but they are much fewer now.
Thinking of you and keep checking in here. It's a good place when you need to talk to people who know what you're going through.
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