Divorce Support Forums: trying to stay strong

You're not crazy, some people have a way of drawing us in & making us think that they're right, the way they do things is right, and we're nuts to think otherwise. If he really is a narcissist or sociopath, then so much more so, and if your'e the least bit acquiescent or avoidant, it works on you so much better. You dont' need to be pathologically avoidant for this to be the case, and he does not have to be pathologically narcissistic... just enough that WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP, the balance of power was off.

Whenever things get out of balance, it won't work. The acquiescent one can make it work for a while, for as long as they're willing to suppress thier own needs, but once they realize that they're exhausted & don't have the strength to keep up the charade any more, it is over... because the other person will not allow a shift in the balance.

This person will not ever choose a mate who would not let him get away with stuff, because the relationship would be over in a minute... he chooses someone whose personality matches his needs, so that he'll get what he wants for some period of time without having to worry that the relationship will end.

It takes great strength of character to make a decision to try to make it work with a person like this. Some people look at us like victims, but the truth is that we make active decisions every so often, to stay, for whatever our reasons are, we stay. And usually the reasons are something indicating an inner strength that these people don't suspect we have. They're usually surprised by our ability to make a decision & stick with it, even when it means facing being treated like dirt.

And the decision to end it requires just as much strength.

My friends, when I left my ex 15+ years ago, told me they couldn't believe I had stayed for so long. I explained it as being patient, but they said I was a "victim".

That "victim" lable does not work for me. It does not apply to me. I reject it, flat out. Anyone who dares to call ME a victim will find out for certain that this is not true. I made an adult decision to marry him. It was an unwise decision, but I was an adult when I married him. And I stayed with him for as long as I felt it was right to do so. I was an adult, not some victim being tossed about with verbal abuse. I am strong enough to have my ego intact, no matter what the verbal abuse was that he heaped upon me. No matter how controlling, I am still ME. Not a victim.

When I left, I did not curl up in a little ball & wait for someone to rescue me. No, I picked myself up, figured out how to file the paperwork, got it done, signed, sealed & delivered. I figured out how to make ends meet on one income despite that I couldn't afford the second mortgage that we'd just taken out, and the lawn & pool maintenance people, and after work I didn't have time to do the maintenance fo rmyself, so I had to do something. I figured it out. I tightened my belt & figured out how to deal with it.

No one would dare call me NOT strong. It took a lot of strength to stay with this guy for as long as I did, and I DID. And it took strength to leave him when it became unreasonable to continue to stay. And I DID THAT, too.

You are not crazy, wrong, weak. You are not a victim. You made a silly decision, based upon a charming presentation and didn't give it enough time for the charm to wear off. Who hasn't given into a slick sales pitch & then regretted it after the 3 day cooling off period was over. You allowed a slick package to convince you to marry him, several years ago... and you did what you could to make it work.

It didn't, and you had the strength to end it when the time came.

You are not crazy. You were taken in by a slick sales pitch, and once you were committed, you tried to honor that commitment.

It's happened to a lot of us. You are not alone.