kimbovvt
New
Reged: 10/30/07
Posts: 1
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I feel so sad alone I don't know what to do. My fiance is the most caring tolerant person to everyone except me and i don't know why. I have seen his exwife scream right in his face and he just walks away. I feel like i'm walking around on eggshells all the time because i never now what will set him off. Now he has never hit me but he has gotten in my face and told me to shut up. I would never say that to him in fact in the 6 yrs that we have been together i have never called him any name or even yelled at him. If there is a problem that i bring up and don't drop it when he says to he starts to yell and sware. He never calls me names but will yell things like "I'm so f@cking sick of this sh-t" or "I need to get the f@ck out of here". If we are in the car he will starting driving like a @ss speeding and yelling. Problems very rarely get resolved. What happens most of the time is he storms out or puts up such a stink i back down then i get the silent treatment.He will come around(if i drop the subject) but never apologize(as he sees it as always my fault/problem)and he will never bring it up again.I know i'm not perfect and maybe i do push some issue to much but i would never treat he that way. He just seems to have no tolerance for me and i don't now why. If hes so unhappy with me why does he stay? Better yet why do i stay because i'm beginning to think maybe its me and not him.
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liberated
Platinum
Reged: 10/02/07
Posts: 573
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kimbo, It is NOT you...please realize that this IS abuse and if he is a fiance, consider yourself lucky not to have married this man. Do not do it. Read around here for a while and see what those marriages are like 10, 15, 20 years down the road. Miserable, broken spouses who are afraid of their own shadow and doubt themselves on everything.
I was one of those women a year ago. After 17 years, I believed all he told me. It took 6 months of intense counseling and lots of affirmation by friends and family for me to say "No More" for me and my kids.
Please read your own words over and over and over and over until you realize that this is not right. I can't emphasize enough the need to get IRL help, a pastor, counselor, SOMEONE to help you see clearly. Confide in someone you trust. I promise they will love you and get you the help you need.
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Kimberley
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saamrodi
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 3002
Loc: here
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good grief
you just explained my ex's rants
I would suggest counseling for both of you individually and together, but I bet his reaction is not pleasant and it wont happen. You can try though.
His "in my face" behavior WILL eventually lead to something physical. He is a ticking timebomb and for some reason you are his "venting" object.
I dont know why or how they can keep it together and walk away from other people when they are soo quick tempered with us.
My advice is if he unapproachable...absolutely do not continue with the conversation. You probably do like I did and continued because you TRUELY wanted to know what the problem is for reasons to work on it. But he wont see it that way. Everything that he walks away from daily will come out against you one of these days.
He needs help. If he refuses, it wont get better. It gets worse.
Mine, in the beginning, would never come out and say he didnt want to be with me....but did the blowing up and leaving. Im starting to think he wanted to leave permanantely, but wanted ME to do the "ending". Just like you and others may see him take the high road with others.....it may be his pattern to make the other person to be the bad guy to make him look like a victim.
Listening to what you put up with at home with him.....I cant say that his ex has no reason to be upset with him. She has probably seen his true colors.
I dont know what else to say other than you got to take care of yourself and make decisions that will take care of you. YOU CAN NOT FIX HIM WITH LOVE, PATIENCE, SPACE...NOTHING. ITS SOMETHING HE HAS TO DO AND IF HE IS UNWILLING...HIS LOSS.
good luck
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"...And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses..."
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saamrodi
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 3002
Loc: here
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ah....I just saw that this is your "fiance"
do not go through with this hun
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"...And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses..."
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3590
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If he's getting in your face now, before you are married, it is only going to get worse after you are married.
You need to run as fast as you can from your fiance. He clearly has issues that he hasn't dealt with. And it's only a matter of time before he does do something that is physically abusive.
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MandiPax
New
Reged: 10/22/07
Posts: 1
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Yes, this sounds like my stbx, too.
Everything is fine, as long as he is calling all of the shots (including even what you are allowed to be bothered by).
There are also the little undermining comments, that taken separately, seem fine, but in aggregate form, do nothing but chip away at your self-esteem. Then it is all the easier to convince you that itīs "all your problem".
If you are thinking about this stuff now, while he is your fiancé, just think about what it will be like years from now. With people like that, things donīt get better; the stakes gets higher as they up the ante.
Listen to your gut, and what itīs telling you.
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annieonce
Platinum
Reged: 03/29/07
Posts: 221
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My X was just like this and all the effort you put into the relationship will not help.
If your like me you have a list of why it is your fault, I thought that if I was just kinder, more understanding, a better housekeeper, (insert your list here) he would be nicer.
I think that Saam has it right when talking about them being so terrible that you have to leave, then they are the poor dumped person. My X did this, he was abusive for years and in the end ended up cheating on me, the one thing that he knew I wouldn't take.
So because the outside world doesn't know the real them, they play on the pity they recieve for being the abandoned man.
I know it is your decision but man I would leave as soon as I could get myself out.
I think these kind of people put others down to feel superior, and he will never feel good enough about himself because he knows he is being a creep.
RUN
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Sarah1014
Platinum
Reged: 04/12/07
Posts: 2363
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OMG, he's only your fiance? I think you know the answer. Be honest with yourself. Respect yourself. You know that you're in for a life of hurt with the man. Dump him now or pay the price.
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happytobdivorced
Platinum
Reged: 03/15/07
Posts: 1130
Loc: Hell, USA
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You explain that you feel like you are 'walking on eggshells'. Look it up-there is a book titled that. Maybe you should read it.
Good luck.
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Message for my ex "I think you know by now, I'm not the person I used to be"
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doc
Platinum
Reged: 04/26/06
Posts: 584
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It's him. And he won't get any better, only worse. This is not a man who will take kindly to the suggestion that he get counseling, but that's what he needs. If you need counseling in order to move yourself to leave this situation, then do that. You need to get out of this relationship. There is nothing there you'd want to live with.
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