cheryl150
Bronze
Reged: 11/17/07
Posts: 37
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I had Protection from Abuse order put on STBX for 2 yrs of verbal, emotional, and threatened physical violence.
I have been in counseling for almost a year and am starting to understand how caught up I've been in the codependecy. I love my STBX and have always had hope that he would "get better" so we could have our family again.
The very stupid mistake is I fell for his repeated pleading to talk to him, see him, let him spend the night here with me ("Please, please, please, I love you right to death and want/need to be with you.")
Even though I have the protection order I allowed him to spend the night 3 times, most recently in March. The only contact I've had w/him since than is when it concerns our child (which is allowed in the PFA order).
STBX was arrested for violating the PFA order but the arresting officer told me (angrily, I might add) that since I had sex w/STBX the criminal charges will most likely be dropped.
Now STBX is threatening to use the fact that we slept together, dispite the PFA order, against me in divorce court.
I've been told that I can't get in trouble w/law because of this but that it will hurt my credibility in the eyes of the court.
I know I made a very bad choice in sleeping w/STBX. Believe me, not a day goes by that I don't beat myself up over it. The only explaination I can give is I fell for his words of love, wanting to make our marriage work, and saying he wanted things to be different.
STBX believes that because we slept together the PFA order means nothing. He told the DV lawyer I had that the PFA was "bulls**t" because we had sex.
How do I repair the damage done to my divorce case because of this? We live in Maine.
I feel like I really let my child down by doing something that may put his well-being at risk.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3136
Loc: Florida
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So you allowed it to be violated once...you learned that he had not changed and admit that not only did you make a huge mistake but that you have learned about your own faults in regards to allowing his behavior and why.
Keep track now of not letting him violate...meaning any possible way that you are following the order, whether that means not responding to him or taking his phone calls or bringing witnesses whenever having to meet him in public for exchange or visitation of child and prove that you understand the mistake that was made and how to avoid it again. Continue and document your counseling. Bring the child to family counseling, if your not doing so already.
We all have weak moments and lapses in judgement, especially in dealing with someone who professes their love for us. If it continually happens then that's different than just making a mistake. Being able and ready to admit the mistake and the steps you have taken should actually help your credibility, not hurt it.
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Linnea
New
Reged: 05/01/08
Posts: 1
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Florida is corredt when she says we all have our weak moments. I was under no Protective Order or court order restraints to prohibit my trip to my house (which my STBX is living in and has locked me out of). I went to pick up some much-neede firewood and in hopes he was home so I could get some things from inside. He was home, and when I removed the keys from the door lock and headed for my truck, telling him I was going to get a copy made, he pinned me against the truck and pryed my fingers back. After 1.5 wks of mulling it over, I filed a request fro Protect Order, which was denied, due to time span. One week later, he filed assault charges against me and for a Proyect Order, and his was granted (his very false and extreme charges). The trooper who served me asked why I went there alone??!! What could I say - despite all that has gone on in the past, it still hadn't registered with me that he would do something like this. I, too, have been going for counseling. I'm not a stupid person, just inexperienced in the ways of hurtful people. I hope the Court sees it that way.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1517
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You violated it not once, but three times at least. If you needed a PFA, then no contact with that man was safe. Period. You have damaged your credibility with the court. He is right. How is it safe for sex, but not safe for anything else.
If you are in therapy, I would consider having your therapist talk about your state of mind to bolster your statement that you need that PFA.
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utdivorce
Gold
Reged: 02/26/07
Posts: 147
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Please keep those legs closed! Do it for your children.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3136
Loc: Florida
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UT, that comment was very unnecessary...
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1517
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It was crude, but the reality is that an Order of Protection is a tool to give you criminal protection from IMMINENT DANGER from the spouse or partner. If one person violates it by sleeping with their ex - the next 15 people that meet that cop for protection are treated differently. Sorry to put that burden on you, but it is true. That cop will look at the next person that needs protection and will wonder - did she invite him over and now regrets it.
OPs are not a tool for a divorce. It saved my life. It has saved a lot of lives. And too many lives have been lost because the response time was just that one second too slow because someone wondered whether they really meant it.
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