syfrett
New
Reged: 01/23/08
Posts: 4
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I will be married 4 years in june and have been with my husband for almost 8 yrs. I have been thru alot with him, and now am scared for the safety of my kids and somewhat scared for myself. We had a case about 3-4 yrs ago involving cyf. He spanked my son from a previous relationship and left marks. We went to court and everything. I got in trouble for not stopping him, and I didn't stop him because I was scared to loose him. They closed out our case about a year ago and since he has been starting to use corpral punishment again. I do not spank my kids and and have even tried taking another parenting class to find what other methods I can use. He got mad with me and we had a fight because he didn't want me to go and told me not to go back. He is very controlling of everything when it comes to me and the kids (we have 4). I can't go anywhere or talk to anyone. If i spend a dollar, he wants to know what I spent it on. He has even brought his sister up from down south to "help" with the kids, but everywhere I go, she's there. I can't even go in my kitchen without her right behind me. My attorney said to call the police and have him arrested and then call our probation officer, but I am scared because of his family. I don't know what to do, he has it where I we fight if I even try to talk to my family, but it's ok when we were in a jam a few years back and we borrow $1000 from my parents which he hasn't pd back yet. I only work part time, and I have r/a. He is getting mad because I have therapy 3 times a week, and wants to know when that will be done. He has been texting and talking with other woman, and I even found a hotel charge on his credit card and a charge from applebee's on our bank acct. I can't remember the last time we have been out. I am scared and don't know where to go for help. If anyone can offer advise I would appreciate it.
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MommyButterfly
Bronze
Reged: 02/22/08
Posts: 30
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Call a domestic volience hotline, they can help you. As mention in couple other post, start taking money out and hiding it, and remove items and putting it somewhere (if possible) that he can't find (like storage). When you do leave take the kids with you, and then call your probation officer.
I also recommend reading "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Controlling and Angry Men" by Lundy Bancroft. I'm sure you have notice that this has been esculating and it will only continue. He probably learned it from his father, and that is why his sister is helping him in controlling you.
Remember that while it is hard and scary to leave, it is worse to stay. Listen to many of the stories on this board, the person abuse is so much happier once away then while in the relationship. Oh, document everything, start keeping a journal, if possible get copies of fiances.
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malone
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 1865
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People in abusive relationships have two choices.
Staying is one choice - forever waiting until 'the right time comes round.'
But the right time never does come. Leaving is always the hardest choice. But it is such a good one in a relationship like yours. After the initial pain and mess of separation, you pretty quickly start to have your own life back. And a feeling of freedom that you haven't had in years.
I really feel for you in your situation and having left a rotten relationship myself, I can only say, plan it and do it.
You ahve no reason to stay. You ahve every reason to leave as well as the welfare and future happiness of your children. Plus if you don't leave, the chances are your children or some of them will learn some of his problems.
So do as Butterfly says and start talking quietly to the right people, plan your exist and go.
BUT DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT HE WILL NOTICE OR FIND OUT. Get help from a women's shelter or domestic abuse line now.
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Lacy1
Gold
Reged: 03/06/08
Posts: 149
Loc: Coastal Area
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Hey I can tell you from my own experience that things will probably not get better. I hung on to my husband and hoped for that for years and it just gradually got worse. I just KNEW without a doubt that my husband would never physically hurt me but he did. He was very emotionally and psychologically abusive for years but he had never put his hands on me until July 2007.
I was scared too. I still am scared. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I accepted a monetary settlement and I left. I got the short end of the stick financially but if he don't change he will get his short end in time and God will see to that. I truly believe with all my heart that he will answer to God for the way he treated me. He has everything that I helped him to build but life goes on. He had NOTHING when I met him.
I went to EMPOWERMENT classes that was thru the local SAFE organization. The class was for battered women.
Funny his recollection of the incident is that I battered him!!! You need to read the book "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them".
I really was unaware how much my husband controled me until I got on the outside and began looking in. He was good at what he did.........the counselor told me that he was a pro!! Good luck to you.......
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His loss not mine
Heavenbound and proud of it.
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sunshine
Platinum
Reged: 04/28/06
Posts: 3077
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Make plans to leave enough with this monster..he won't get better..but you will put yourself in a bad place staying and for your childerns sake..have him arrested..I am living proof that they never get better...39yrs later...and the fear was just as real...but you reach the point when you have to deal with yourself and you don't want this either ..I ended up hating myself for staying..there is no good reason for staying..if leaving is a problem the police will gladly escort him to jail..and all you have to do is get a court order to keep his distance and you in the house and him paying the bills.I did..never looked back..in fact the relief of him gone was so powerful to me..I finally had a reason to wake up again and finally I got some sleep .
Mine was cheating too..rotten rots even worse on their own..no one to blame but themselves..your not taking anymore blame for someone else..you will be alright..you deserve to be treated like the decent person you are..keep posting that helps so much..your not alone..
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picasso
Platinum
Reged: 09/16/07
Posts: 1839
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is he mentally ill or something?
yes, I'm being serious.
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NO FATE
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syfrett
New
Reged: 01/23/08
Posts: 4
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Not that I am aware of. I go to see an attorney on wed, I left Thursday, He started yelling @ me about money stormed out, so I called the police and left with my kids, but then I was stupid enough to go back. I know he loves me and the kids, but I can't put my kids thru this anymore. I need the strength to leave and stay gone.
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dahmwdir
Silver
Reged: 03/30/08
Posts: 74
Loc: Maine
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You did the right thing for you and your children. Knowing he loves you and him proving it through his actions are two different things. Make him prove it!
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finallyfree
New
Reged: 04/06/08
Posts: 1
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Mine has been physically, sexually and verbally abusive to me since our first born was approx. 3 mos old. Has been threating to divorce me since then also. We now have 2 children and as the typical DV abuser things have gotten worse. He discipline methods are inappropriate for the children. He killed my cat this past year and there have been many other things in the past several years. I finally called the police and have been told by several friends and family (both sides) of how proud they are of me. They keep telling me how strong I am. I was told that I empowered 2 women in my support group to do the same since I basically didn't stand for it anymore. DV abusers aren't going to change and you need to break the cycle for your children's sake. I kept thinking that he would change. He had me to the point where I didn't know how to cut a vegetable or he even wrote the grocery list for me, even though I know how to do all of these things. In the course of this past year a lot of terrible things have happened and I needed to make a decision if the kids and I were going to be happy or were the kids and I going to live in CONSTANT FEAR of their Dad. He hurt me one night recently and I called the police and that was the end to that. We have a no contact order, restraining order(myself and the kids and residence) and I am now filing for a divorce/custody/and will be going back to school to earn my degree. He hasn't given me any $$$ for the past month, but it will all work out. Just looks bad in court and proves how bad he really is. YOU CAN DO THIS. Just take small steps. It will be hard at times and you will remember the good times, but keep remembering the bad so you will stay in check with your goals. It just takes the first step. Many churchs or the YWCA or other organizations in your area offer support groups for DV seek them out they really empowerd me and gave me alot of good information. Besure to keep a journal and if you get hurt document everything - keep photos, etc. in a safe place. Have a safety plan. BE SAFE. Best of luck to you!
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tookway2much
Platinum
Reged: 03/31/08
Posts: 627
Loc: Going toward the light!
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Honey, Honey, Honey, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!!!!!!!!!!!
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I don't worry about the people in my past. There is a reason they are not in my future.
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