PundaSmith
New
Reged: 10/15/08
Posts: 3
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Hi,
[[ sorry this has been crossposted in domestic violence forum, but thought it might get better exposure here too ]]
Thanks for a very informative and lively forum. I sure do hope to learn and contribute to the discussions going on.
Here is my situation.
1. I am divorced, and currently have custody of my kids (13 & 10) owing to the fact that my ex physically severely abused one of them. The incident occurred about 2 years ago.
2. Since then, my ex has been convicted, and served the house arrest sentencing imposed. She is now going under probation.
3. She has not seen our kids since the incident occurred. This is partly due to the sentencing condition. Part of the sentencing condition was that she should not have any contact with our son, unless such condition is varied by another court of law (presumably, a family court), and that she should seek treatment/counseling.
4. Through informal arrangements, she is able to email/phone our other child, but has not made any efforts to have any contact with the victim - our son. It is over two years now, and I was expecting that she would ask for the original order to be varied so that she could begin some contact - maybe phone, and then with adequate treatment, some form of supervised access. But she has not asked.
5. Now, her lawyer has set a date for the settlement conference to deal with access issues. This matter is complicated by the fact that I live in Michigan, across the Windsor border and the kids are there with me, and go to school there.
6. I am concerned about sudden access between our son and her mom. He is still afraid of her. He talks a lot about extensive physical abuse they have endured while with her, and could not see himself going through that again. Even though he is doing well balance in school, he still gets flashbacks about the incident. However, he does inquire about her, and would probably want some form of contact at some point.
So here I am: my interest is in protecting our children from the risk of future harm. What should I propose in terms of access, bearing in mind the distance - Mom in Canada, Dad/kids in US. I can no longer afford a lawyer. So I would to go on my own.
Thanks very much.... Punda Smith
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HeartOn
Platinum
Reged: 07/25/08
Posts: 1711
Loc: North Carolina
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I am sorry to read about your situation.I don't detect anger from you...so I am going out on a limb here.
I wanted to ask...Has she gotten any treatment to help herself in the past 2 years?
Do you want her to see her son..or not?
Are you willing to take that risk without knowing if she has changed her ways?
How about...supervised visitation, only until your son and yourself can regain some amount of trust in her.
People do change sometimes...and while she breached your son's trust,and hurt him deeply and betrayed you as a spouse,would you and your son be willing to find a way to forgive her past actions...and give her a second chance?
If not...then there is no point in finding a happy medium for your son's sake.
I wonder...after reading this...what kind of childhood your x had that might have lead to her inability maintain a healthy relationship with you or her kids.Victims tend to become victimizers.
Do you know what her history is?
Not that it excuses her behavior in ANY WAY...I just know...sometimes...people are so wounded, broken and dysfunctional thanks to abuses they themselves suffered in thier lives...they can't break the cycle of abuse on thier own.
They need intervention and someone to show them some empathy and help them see there is a different way to live thier lives without re-enacting past abuses on thier own loved ones.
I applaud you for getting your children away from her...but I hope that one day...you can find forgiveness for her behaviors...I am sure...if she has a fully formed conscience...she feels EXTREMELY GUILTY for what she has done..and may assume that she is not worthy of forgiveness and that might be why she has made no attempt until now...to see him.
Shame can be overwhelming to someone who realizes how much harm they have done to thier own child.Sometimes...it is just easier to walk away and hide from the past..than face our own demons.
"Hate the sin, love the sinner."
Mahatma Gandhi
Heart On
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"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." Nietzsche
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