singlesadmommie
New
Reged: 10/12/08
Posts: 1
|
|
i am 26 yo F and am in the very begining of my divorce from my mind manipulating 44 yo husband. weve been married for 4 1/2 years and have a three year old together. well on the 7th of oct. he decided to cross the line of mental and emotional and add in physical abuse with a side of vodka. id like to say "it wasnt him it was the vodka" and "he loves me he was just stressed" id like to say that but i cant let myself. right now he sits in jail awaiting his court date on the 28th. me i am filling out all the papres to file for divorce and sole custody. he dosent even know yet. he is being charged with harrassment, child abuse, domestic violence, and resisting arrest. ilove this man and didnt even realize the mental state he has put me in over the years. but why do i look back and only see the good? what is wrong with me? istill have the bruises that show his "love" for me. i was his scape goat and how could i feel like i still need him? ive been reading other post for two nights because i cant sleep yet.(nightmares) and it has helped but now i want to add my post. maybe someone will read it and it will help them make it another 24 hours. :) its helped me. any way if you are scared or sick and tired of being sick and tired then go through with it. the police helped me by giving me no choice and for that i thank them. thank all of you for your support and words of wisdom even though you didnt know i was here. now you do and please countinue with your strength to help me find mine.
single sad mommie
|
jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1691
|
|
You are not a single sad mommie. You are a strong abused woman. There is a big difference.
Finding your new normal will be very hard. No one is saying you can't love the man and hate what he does with alcohol, violence and emotional abuse.
You need to get an Order of Protection.
You need counseling - every abused woman does because keeping boundaris will be your absolute hardest thing to do.
And you need to know that it was not the alcohol - it was him. And he will do this again and again.
And here is a tough reality - if you back down now, you will lose your strongest ally -the police. If you don't follow through with this charge, they will not want to help you again and again. It is dehumanizing to them to watch a woman die by another man's hands and that is what happens when DV charges are brought, dropped and then brought again and again when he does it again and again.
Keep reading - you will be stronger for it.
|
HeartOn
Platinum
Reged: 07/25/08
Posts: 1711
Loc: North Carolina
|
|
"but why do i look back and only see the good? what is wrong with me? i still have the bruises that show his "love" for me. i was his scape goat and how could i feel like i still need him?"
He has been brainwashing you for years is in part why you tolerate and accept his abuse as "love".What is your history, in terms of how you learned what love is, I have to ask?
It sounds to me like you are Trama/Betrayal Bonded to him after years of adjusting to his abuses and possibly re-enacting some part of your past thru this relationship in an attempt to change the outcome THIS TIME.
It can't work.
How many of these questions can you answer yes to?
The following are a series of statements which describe traumatic bonding in which a person bonds with an unfaithful or abusive partner on the basis of betrayal. This unhealthy pattern is what Patrick Carnes calls
a "Betrayal Bond".
The "Betrayal Bond" Index
(Here are the first 15 of the 30 Question Quiz)
Yes No Do you obsess about people who have hurt you even through they are long gone?
Yes No Do you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain?
Yes No Do you go "overboard" to help people who have been
destructive to you?
Yes No Do you continue to be a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive?
Yes No Do you continue attempts to get people to like you who are clearly using you?
Yes No Do you trust people again and again who are proven to be unreliable?
Yes No Are you unable to retreat from unhealthy
relationships?
Yes No Do you try to be understood by those who clearly do not care?
Yes No Do you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away?
Yes No Do you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen?
Yes No Are you loyal to people who have betrayed you?
Yes No Do you attract untrustworthy people?
Yes No Have you kept damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse?
Yes No Do you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility?
Yes No Do you find yourself covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship?
Go the SexHelp.com to take this complete quiz on line and access Patrick Carnes' books on The Betrayal Bond, Don't Call It Love, Out of the Shadows-
You are going to need a therapist qualified and knowledgeable about Unhealthy Narcissism and Betrayal bonds to exploitive people in order to help you break this cycle of abuse.Divorce is the first healthy step you are taking...
But figuring out why you consider abuse love is a whole other ball game.
Good luck...HeartOn
--------------------
"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." Nietzsche
|
div2wice
Silver
Reged: 09/05/08
Posts: 80
|
|
I agree, you are strong. It is hard to get out of an abusive relationship, I know. I was blessed, mine was not as bad as this... I hurt for you.
I agree with the other poster as well, PLEASE get counceling. It is essential for your survival. You're going to experience a lot of ups and downs over the next few months, and you'll need to work through each one. Its hard to do alone... please, find a councelor who deals with abuse and attend as much as you can. I suggest the same for your kids -- you don't want them to think their fathers actions are normal and ok.
I truly admire you... realizing this is wrong, and knowing that you need out. Most abused women aren't that lucky, they're so scared and brainwashed that they don't get out and then its too late.
BE STRONG. There are plenty of supportive people here, please come and post whenever you need. File for this divorce and do whatever you have to to protect yourself and your kids. Don't back down, what he did was WRONG. He needs to be punished -- don't let him get away with this, if he does, he'll be right back at you beating you again.
Love does not mean abuse... men say that out of guilt and to make you think that you've done wrong. You did nothing wrong at all. Its not your fault, but please do all you can to prevent it from happening again (following through with the divorce, and custody papers)
Praying for you,
--------------------
Pamela
Do-It-Yourself Divorce
http://document-do-it-yourself-service.com/
|
missy8632
Bronze
Reged: 07/27/08
Posts: 27
|
|
I'm sorry you are going through this. {hugs}
call your local domestic violence shelter and get some counseling. Where I live, NY, they have a program for three and four year olds who have been in DV situtations. You do not relaize how much they understand. Just remember you are not alone. PM me if you need to talk. I am here for you.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
