wcoop
New
Reged: 10/10/08
Posts: 17
Loc: WI
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Is being repeatedly emotionally hurt by crossing marital boundaries(phone sex and one previous affair 5 years ago) considered abuse? I am strongly suspecting I am codependent and looking for root.
(Am in therapy but like what the people using this website have to say)
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Starion
Gold
Reged: 03/04/08
Posts: 150
Loc: South Florida
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No
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3590
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His cheating isn't abuse. Co-dependency doesn't qualify, either.
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HeartOn
Platinum
Reged: 07/25/08
Posts: 1694
Loc: North Carolina
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I disagree....I consider infidelity to be abuse of trust....and staying with a man who cheats, to be codependant,love addicted or a betrayal bonded.
http://soundingcircle.com/newslog2.php/__show_article/_a000195-000673.htm
Speak to your therapist about Narcissism in him and Cognitive Dissonance in you.
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"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." Nietzsche
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dramanomore
Platinum
Reged: 09/24/08
Posts: 241
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A good marker for codependency is good feelings about yourself depend on being liked by another person. And, that you put yourself last, even when it is bad for you to do so.
Also another classic sign is pretending things are fine when they are not. You will find yourself doing things for your spouse that they are capable of doing themselves.
Codependents tend to overract to change and constantly seek approval and affirmation. They are also usually considered by their peers at being the super responsible or super irresponsible person.
And of course the big one, dependency upon other and abject fear of abandonment.
Most people have a little bit of this and a little bit of that of what I listed above. And, to some extent a certain amount of selflessness is needed in every relationship.
Where the ship run aground is when the other person isn't giving at all, and is willing to take to the point of harm.
The brightside is if you realize you have a tendency to do this, you can help dampen those traits in therapy. And, heck identifying the problem is usually the biggest part of the battle.
Best of luck!
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Eventus stultorum magister
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wcoop
New
Reged: 10/10/08
Posts: 17
Loc: WI
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dramanomore - EVERYTHING you said is true.
Husband wants to try (again). I am in therapy for this separation. Not sure husband will like "the new me" once I start straightening out my copdependent behaviors. Suspect he likes and has gotten used to being catered to! He is moving out so I think I have a shot of an easier recovery. And perhaps he will work on his poor choices.
I have realized I probably started this behavior intensly after the affair 5 years ago (he had the affair). I begged him to come back and I suspect that I felt like to keep him, I had to make his life as easy as possible.
Thanks for the help. I really appreciate it. You sound like you know what you are doing.
PS - I am a couple chapters into Codependent no More (with therapy as well). It is also very helpful. Thanks again.
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dramanomore
Platinum
Reged: 09/24/08
Posts: 241
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I was actually right where you were. I was basically repeating what my therapist said in our first session. It was like a light went off in my head when she said it to me.
I did everything and anything for him for many years. I was so afraid he would leave me, that I made him the center of my universe.
Then one day, I realized I can't live this way anymore, it was killing me. So I made a stand and said we need to be partners in this marriage not mother and child. So, he left me for another women that would cater to his every whim.
Course, one nasty divorce later, my stand wasn't the best thing for the marriage. But, it was and always will be the best thing for me.
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Eventus stultorum magister
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HeartOn
Platinum
Reged: 07/25/08
Posts: 1694
Loc: North Carolina
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This is an off shoot of Codependant reactions to infidelity and abuse.And I could answer yes to every single one of these questions within most of my relationships in my life thanks to a pattern of behavior I learned as a child in order to survive sexual abuse.It carried over into my adult relationships and I have done extensive research in the hopes that I can change how I react to abusers and exploiters.
How many of these can you answer?
Check out Patrick Carnes Phd "Don't call it love:Out of the Shadows" and you will see what I am talking about much more clearly.
The "Betrayal Bond" Index
Yes No Do you obsess about people who have hurt you even through they are long gone?
Yes No Do you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain?
Yes No Do you go "overboard" to help people who have been
destructive to you?
Yes No Do you continue to be a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive?
Yes No Do you continue attempts to get people to like you who are clearly using you?
Yes No Do you trust people again and again who are proven to be unreliable?
Yes No Are you unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships?
Yes No Do you try to be understood by those who clearly do not care?
Yes No Do you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away?
Yes No Do you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen?
Yes No Are you loyal to people who have betrayed you?
Yes No Do you attract untrustworthy people?
Yes No Have you kept damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse?
Yes No Do you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility?
Yes No Do you find yourself covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship?
Funny thing..now that I KNOW why I stayed for 25 years too long with my stbx...and managed to find my voice,and create healthier boundaries he can't understand me at all or where I went or why I am not willing to perpetually forgive and forget without expecting change...and he misses the days he had total control of me thanks to my learned helplessness issues and lack of boundaries.
I don't.
Heart On
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"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." Nietzsche
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HeartOn
Platinum
Reged: 07/25/08
Posts: 1694
Loc: North Carolina
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"I was so afraid he would leave me, that I made him the center of my universe."
Tell me about it...and the WORST part was that I should have been WANTING him to abandon me due to the way he treated me.
Ever heard of this?
http://www.abandonment.net/help.ctr.html
This site seriously woke me up...and will I tell you another thing...This computer helped me help myself MORE than any of the therapists I EVER had did.
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"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." Nietzsche
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dramanomore
Platinum
Reged: 09/24/08
Posts: 241
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I will have to check out the site.
The best thing the web did for me was make me realize that my stbx wasn't a unique snowflake. There are a lot of Bi-polar Narcissist out there. And, hearing other people's stories has given me a lot of tools in dealing with him and his brand of crazy.
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Eventus stultorum magister
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