beblebrox
Platinum
Reged: 06/12/08
Posts: 340
Loc: Western Pennsylvania
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I hate weekends. I keep stressing the need to me to be alone for a while but nobody listens. Yesterday morning i could take being in the house a second longer, so i went off for a drive to nowhere. when I pulled back into the drive my mom and her friend were there cleaning out my gutters and house. Now I know this stuff needs to be done, but at that moment i just really needed some dead silence. I get very little of that.
It's weird actually. I feel like i need total isolation but one I am alone (and even surrounded by people) I am overwhelmed by a sense of utter loneliness. It's practically debilitating. I miss my wife so much sometimes i think i'd be better off dead. There is one person in my life i could conceive of getting closer to but due to circumstances she has stated that no matter what our feelings are, she would never engage in a relationship, and has since aggressively pursued a mutual friend.
It's just awful seeing everyone happy and with someone. it's even worse when they leave and my wife isn't there and I am completely alone. I hate that more than anything. Out of everyone involved in this mess, I am probably the only one without any guilt on my hands, and yet I am the one who is left alone, holding the bag, so to speak.
I am slipping further and further into the hole. I feel it getting worse every day. I feel as if there is only one way, down.
I want my wife back before this mess. I want our life back. I want our hopes and dreams back. I want my reason for living and getting up in the morning back, and I'll never have any of that. Yeah, i've been told that i'll find something new. but i don't want an accommodation. I don't want an adjustment. I don't want a new focus and direction in my life. I don't want to be a different person. I didn't spend 7 years dating to make sure i only did this once, and 12 years married to hit age 40 alone and utterly destroyed. it's terrible to know your life is over at 40 and your heart has a few decades left before it has the good sense to stop beating.
Even through her mood swings and depression I still love me wife. I always will. She was my motivation. My inspiration. I have lost my reason and will to live.
/OK rant over.
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ATVILLAS
Platinum
Reged: 05/12/07
Posts: 2336
Loc: West Palm Beach FL
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Keep ranting and raving here, it is better thandoing it in front of others.
It is early days for you, I think, there will be lots of what seem to be hopeless days, but your life is not over and you will find a reason to live.
It takes time and in the meantime youneed to be sure to take careof yourself.
Hang in there, you will be OK.
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Help someone smile today!!!
Welcome to paradise!!!
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beblebrox
Platinum
Reged: 06/12/08
Posts: 340
Loc: Western Pennsylvania
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[quote]Keep ranting and raving here, it is better thandoing it in front of others.
It is early days for you, I think, there will be lots of what seem to be hopeless days, but your life is not over and you will find a reason to live.
It takes time and in the meantime youneed to be sure to take careof yourself.
Hang in there, you will be OK. [/quote]
I have no choice, considering for some inexplicable reason i keep waking up every morning, no matter how much i wish otherwise every night when i goto bed. Living life for myself is one of the most distasteful prospects I can conceive of, but i don't have much choice on that front either. Right now I am living for my dogs and cat. they need me and seeing them happy when i get home is about the only thing that gives me any pleasure right now.
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MarMcMar
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 1594
Loc: Western New York
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BB -- You've yet to reach the stage of acceptance. You're still fighting with reality.
If you do an introspective inventory, in time you will see that there were many steps leading up to your separation. You'll remember interactions that left you puzzled or things you did that contributed to her unhappiness. It unfolds that way.
At some point, you will see the inevitability of it all - for whatever reason. You can't fight it when your partner is no longer invested in your relationship. It just is.
Like most of us, you will fume and fight and grieve, but eventually, you must surrender. To continue fighting this will destroy you.
In time, you will see that everything is as it should be and you'll find a way to ride the wave, not try to push it back into the ocean.
Let go.
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The sweetest thing you'll ever see in the whole wide world is a happy girl.
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beblebrox
Platinum
Reged: 06/12/08
Posts: 340
Loc: Western Pennsylvania
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"In time, you will see that everything is as it should be and you'll find a way to ride the wave, not try to push it back into the ocean."
It's ironic you use that analogy. Just the other day I was comparing my dilemma to the ancient English/Viking King Cnute and his futile attempt to command the Tides to recede.
/I'm a history junkie and use examples as analogy a lot.
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mrpat
Platinum
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 2753
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"I want my wife back before this mess. I want our life back. I want our hopes and dreams back. I want my reason for living and getting up in the morning back, and I'll never have any of that. Yeah, i've been told that i'll find something new. but i don't want an accommodation. I don't want an adjustment. I don't want a new focus and direction in my life. I don't want to be a different person. I didn't spend 7 years dating to make sure i only did this once, and 12 years married to hit age 40 alone and utterly destroyed. it's terrible to know your life is over at 40 and your heart has a few decades left before it has the good sense to stop beating."
I,I,I...........me, me, me!
This is good your starting to think about yourself and giving thought to what life may be comming. Might not look bright right now, but at least your thinking about it. Don't shelter yourself away from the outside world for too long tho. I did this and have reduced my friendship base to 1 person from having many, many friends. I would do quite a bit to get them back............but don't know how. Be careful not to get to this point as you move forward.
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beblebrox
Platinum
Reged: 06/12/08
Posts: 340
Loc: Western Pennsylvania
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"B -- You've yet to reach the stage of acceptance. You're still fighting with reality."
Intellectually I know you're right. I've been playing a little mental game with myself by establishing a list of critera of terms under which i would let her back. This list is long and getting longer every day. it helps to convince me I am doing the right thing. However, it is also an incredibly depressing list because it has helped to quantify the inevitability of my situation as well.
The dealbreaker is of course, her pregnancy. I could never have that sort of constant reminder in my life for ever, and it would be inhuman for me to ask her to part with it, as I'm sure that would be a constant source of resentment on her part. so the situation is unrecoverable, and that is what i find most morbidly depressing. I would have endured most any other indignity and humiliation. I would have sacrificed my family, my friends, my entire support mechanism, if it would have got her back into the home. I would have forgiven any indiscretion, and given 110% of myself to repairing the past few years of damage, but she went and did the one thing that i cannot live with, and i have no explanation why. I feel as if i must be a monster in her eyes and i just don't understand it.
I don't do acceptance well. I have built my entire career and life's philosophy on never accepting anything. You always have the power to shape your situation, and now i find myself in a situation I am powerless to change. I feel helpless.
No matter what direction I turn, no matter where I go; forward, backward, or sideways for that matter, I still come to the same end result: alone, without my wife, whom i love more than my own life, and without anyone else who is special in my life to give me some hope to look forward to.
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1311
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[quote]No matter what direction I turn, no matter where I go; forward, backward, or sideways for that matter, I still come to the same end result: alone, without my wife, whom i love more than my own life, and without anyone else who is special in my life to give me some hope to look forward to. [/quote]
B, you are special in your life. If you expect the people around you to make your happiness, you'll always be confused and possibly angry if they're not fulfilling your needs. You need to make you happy. YOU ARE SPECIAL! Get to know YOU and you might be surprised how happy you can make yourself. Really.
I found that journaling my feelings really helped me put things in perspective. And then when you go back and read things later, you can see how far you've come on the road to healing. Are you seeking professional help for yourself? Many people have found healing in therapy.
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MarMcMar
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 1594
Loc: Western New York
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About 6 years ago, I had a nervous breakdown. I lost a lot it that episode. I was self-employed and lost a lot of clients. I lost my health, the respect of some people and it was the beginning of the loss of my marriage.
I remember going to a counselor and telling him "I don't know who I am, what I'm doing or where I'm going." (this from a previous control freak-over achiever) He said "it sounds like you're in a very good place, Mari."
That nervous breakdown led to the strengthening of many relationships. I renewed a faith in a higher power, I got a really great job, I finally began to accept my marriage had ended. When I let go, I made room for much-needed change.
BB, I know how hard surrender can be. I know the seductive pull of control and the illusion that we can affect all the outcomes in our lives, but it just ain't so.
The only constant in our lives is change. The more we fight change, the more painful and difficult our lives become. Everything is in constant change. Our bodies, for example, are turing over cells constantly. We are always in the process of dying. We can't prevent it.
There are things in your life you can change. Begin to focus on those things. Accept the things you can't.
It's good practice for dying. : )
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The sweetest thing you'll ever see in the whole wide world is a happy girl.
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beblebrox
Platinum
Reged: 06/12/08
Posts: 340
Loc: Western Pennsylvania
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I don't expect anyone around me to make me happy, but I have found that at least for me happiness without anyone to share it with is pointless. It would be like if I owned the Mona Lisa, but I kept it locked away in a room where no none could see or enjoy it.
I am in therapy ATM. I'm not sure it's helping or not. I don;t need reassurance that what I'm going through is normal. Since I'm going through what I'm going through, it must be normal for me. I'll start worrying about abnormal the day my dogs and cat start talking back to me at night.
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