lubyloo
New
Reged: 03/12/08
Posts: 3
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So, last night my husband told me that his "mind isn't with me" (whatever that means) and that he's thinking we should divorce. He wouldn't say if he was sure about it, but he's supposed to think about it and we're supposed to talk on Monday. He also said that there is some other woman that he's apparently "fallen in love with," but she's not interested in him (oddly, I wasn't really very jealous). Now, I feel like I'm literally going insane. I guess that his suggestion that we should break up wasn't really a surprise, and frankly I've thought about it myself sometimes -- but those thoughts have always passed whenever I got over being mad at him at whatever it was that he had done. Now, I'm finding this situation very distressing. Whenever I see him or if he talks to me, I just start crying. It's ridiculous. Last night, after we talked, we slept in the same bed. I was an absolute crying mess, and he just laid there. I just wanted someone to console me and give me a hug, I guess. So, rather pathetically I might add, I asked my husband if he'd give me a hug. And he did, and held me for awhile. Then, as he was holding me, I thought, "He probably doesn't even want to be doing this." So, I said to him, "You probably don't even want to hold me." He kept holding me, and held me tighter. Then, I thought, "Is he taking pity on me?" and almost pulled away. But then I figured that if I pulled away, I'd probably want him to hold me again. So, I stayed there. I cried pretty much all night until I finally fell asleep, and was crying this morning when I got ready for work and for a few hours at work. Then, I was finally able to focus and put my home life out of my mind. Now that I'm home again for the evening, everything he does makes me cry. He made dinnner and asked me if I wanted any -- that made me start to *sob*. I don't know what the heck my problem is.
I think that something that is making this especially hard is the fact that I really have no support system. I have no family -- my husband's parents and siblings are my only family. And my husband and I spend all of our free time together, so my only real "friends" are at work, I don't want to talk about this with them. I guess I just need someone to tell me to keep my chin up and that things will be okay. But I don't know if they will be. The idea of being alone and not being with my husband, and not growing old with my husband like I thought I would is making me very sad.
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mrpat
Platinum
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 2605
Loc: Michigan
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Keep your chin up and things will be okay. I know it's not much to say to you but I'm not worded tonight. Welcome and you have found a place to talk to others. I'll send my prayers tonight.
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People don't care how much you know.........until they know how much you care.
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ssrachel
Platinum
Reged: 05/23/07
Posts: 1952
Loc: bottom of a pit
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you found a great place for support. although i'm still healing, i wouldn't have gotten to this emotional place if it wasn't for this forum.
keep checking in...there is a different group of people on during the day.
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Live well. It is the greatest revenge.
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 635
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I'm sorry you have found us for the reasons you have but know that you are not alone. keep posting, keep your chin up, you will get through this. You are in my prayers as well.
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derkacz78
Gold
Reged: 05/07/08
Posts: 189
Loc: MIchigan
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Welcome, and I am sorry that you are here. I too will send my prayers out to you tonight as well. You are in good company, keep your chin up, it will get better as the days roll by.
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Kingssman
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 122
Loc: Peoria Illinois
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seems to me the two of you got some issues built up. Both of you do.
He's worried and scared because his heart is falling for another because he's lost something that he's trying to find. He's going through a pain too, thats why he talked about it.
Describing your situation you seem to suffer from lonliness and your only support is your husband. This was similar to my situation when I was lonly and the only person I had was my wife. What I developed was depression. Depression sucks the energy right out of you. You wake up wondering why you even bother getting out of bed. Depression killed my marriage because when I was depressed, I grew distant. so distant my wife jumped to another man.
The scary thing about depression is it's hard to know that you have it unless someone tells you that you do. Go see a doctor, a simple visit is $100 (sometimes less) they can start you on a medicine that can range from $15 to i dunno for a 30 day supply.
In the mean time, you and him need to sit down and have a talk. A long serious talk. There's nothing more painfull but healing than the truth. Be prepared to hear the truth, and also prepare yourself to speak it.
You are at a beginning stage of a breakup. This stage is crucial for counsoling, therapy, and re-bonding.
I missed my first stage to fix things. I let my depression allow me to let things slip by. As a result of my idolness I lost my wife to another man. Don't let this happen to you. see a doctor, talk to someone, find the source of your pain and expose it.
I had issues that ruined my marriage. I wasn't over the sudden death of my father and I too had no friends. I bottled these things up and it created distance between my ex and I.
You can be saved your marriage can be saved, now is the time for both of you to work together. You caught this early, very early, before it escalated to a point of no return.
Remember, he's conflicted too. and he cares and loves you too. Its time for the both of you to expose each others pain and weakness.
"for better for worse, through sickness and in health" this line of the vow means that your pain is his pain, and his pain is your pain. Identify that pain, identify the truth, and honesty will lift you. Truth and honesty is key.
Its better to be truthfully unhappy than it is to lie to be happy. My ex lied to me about her feelings to keep me happy. That was her mistake for keeping me in the dark so I didn't know to seek help. Had she been honest with me, all the time, shown me tough love. I would have seeked help and possibly saved my marriage. But too late is too late on my end thats why I'm here hoping to help others learn from my pain and experiance. (i so wish I found this site long ago)
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mrpat
Platinum
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 2605
Loc: Michigan
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"The scary thing about depression is it's hard to know that you have it unless someone tells you that you do. Go see a doctor, a simple visit is $100 (sometimes less) they can start you on a medicine that can range from $15 to i dunno for a 30 day supply."
I've gotta jump in on this one. NO this is not how it is done in a proper manner. Medication for depression needs to be constantly observed and supervised. I had a shrink and a shrink M.D. They worked in conjunction with each other to keep and eye on the benefits and effects of the prescribed medicine. It was costly 650.00 a month for the care with each. If your going to seek this avenue for help understand it is more than what others may tell you . It’s never just about the medication, it’s about changing the way we think and react to pressure when placed upon us.
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People don't care how much you know.........until they know how much you care.
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tiredofnagging
Gold
Reged: 05/09/08
Posts: 133
Loc: Las Vegas, NV USA
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Yeah, my probably stbx has got me pegged for bipolar and she insists that I "get help". What she doesn't know is that my depression is because we're in a shitty marriage. I don't love her, she doesn't love me and we keep hanging around both out of habit and for our 8YO daughter. It's like we are putting up with everything and each other. I often fantasize on life without her and frankly it feels good. She has turned into a miserable shrieker lately, both towards me and our daughter.
Problem is money is tight and to divorce puts each of us in a $$$ hole, no matter who gets custody. I have no support system but I'm a private person anyway; her support system is 3000 miles away. Bottom line is, there is nothing there.
I predict that by this time next year we'll be done. Right now I lurk around forums like this to get a sense of life after. Anyone wants to chime in, I'm all ears!
Tired Of Nagging in Las Vegas
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wildflower
New
Reged: 03/23/08
Posts: 9
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yours is the first post to make me want to cry, i've been there, so very there.
My hell began Oct 06 when I figured out he was having an affair with a family friend, yes our children play together and we had cook outs. we had a huge fight that night, i told him i could get over it if it was done and all that really mattered was if he still wanted me. it took too long to decide but for 11 months (and 25 lost pounds)we tried to work it out and for a while i thought we would then in Sept 07 out of the blue he announed he thought he might want a divorce. meanwhile i had tried to talk to my sister about what was going on and she immediately said 'what have you done now? don't you know how much he loves you?' so no support there. any way it took him over a week to decide he wanted a divorce and i made it quick and easy for him, just like i always had, gave him just what he wanted. in jan 08 i moved out and discovered he was seeing her again. the divorce was final the end of feb. and i have come to realize that he is no longer the man i was in love with, still am in love with, but i get thru knowing that person i divorced, may have the same face and name as the person i love but it isn't him.
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Who we are is defined by what we choose to do, no what we are capable of.
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lubyloo
New
Reged: 03/12/08
Posts: 3
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Thanks for the comments. I do plan to see a counselor, just to get a healthy perspective on the situation. Since the divorce talk began, I do find that I have had some nutty ideas from time to time. For example, my husband is out of town this weekend on a fishing trip (or so I think -- ha, ha) and I thought it would be really funny to send him a text message stating that a woman called the house and asked for him, and then hung up on me when I asked her name, and then give him the number of one of those adult chat lines and say that that was the number she called from. I thought, "Hmmm, he'll think that his dreamgirl that he's "in love with" had called and won't the joke be on him when he calls the chat line number and realizes that I tricked him." I didn't send him the message -- realized that (a) it was kind of immature and (b) I was just trying to get his attention.
I'm sure that we probably will get divorced, and I've been trying to imagine my life without him. We'll need to sell our house, and there are some projects we need to finish (building a garage) before we sell. I want to sell as soon as possible. My husband is a student with one year of school left, so I pay all of the bills. He's supposed to be arranging to have the garage built, but I suspect that he may be dragging his feet because he's concerned that once the house is sold, I'll no longer help him financially. I wasn't planning to totally just kick him to the curb with nothing, but I do not want to live together for another year! He gets really touchy (and not touch-feely touchy) when I ask him for an update on the "garage situation." Anyway, I was thinking about just telling him that I want to put the house on the market in, say, 3-4 weeks, garage or no garage -- and point out that we'll probably get higher offers if there is a garage, so he needs to hop to it. The only drawback to my little "plan" is that I don't think that I can really do anything even if he is delaying in selling the house (short of court involvement -- I guess a judge or mediator could set a deadline, but we aren't there yet, and that process would be extremely time-consuming, I'm sure).
Thanks again.
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