skitch
New
Reged: 05/20/08
Posts: 4
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I'm at the very beginning of a divorce. She informed me two weeks ago. Nothing filed, yet.
My wife of 20 yrs has gone midlife crazy and wants out, says she just doesn’t love me anymore (how freaking convenient is that?!)
She was a stay at home lazy *ss mom for about 14-15 yrs of it.
She has worked the last couple of yrs. And she worked prior and a few times during.
I bring about 65-70k and she about 25K.
The kids’ are17 & 15. I accept paying child support. No problem.
But like, I imagine, probably every other guy on here it galls me to think about paying SS. After I have let her sit on her butt for 14 yrs already, sleeping in late and doing little of nothing.
Now she wants out for no good reason against me and I have to maintain a lifestyle that we can't even afford now! We are so tight budgeted we can't do anything. Will that be taken into consideration? She has always spent money we don't have continuously putting us in debt. I work long hrs just to get by. Heck if she wants out, I would like to be able to back off on the damn hrs. I've been killing myself for her and now I have to continue to do so and reap no benefits!?
I would also like to know if maintaining my lifestyle is even taken into consideration.
She wants out and yet it appears I will have to move out to lesser digs and live on less! After years of supporting her.
That is f*ucked up! big time! I could almost see it if I was running off and leaving her hanging. But that is not the case. In fact it is her who has been having “emotional affairs” with younger single men. While I sit home and demand, reason, and beg her to behave to the point she’s sick of me, I guess.
Kentucky (where we live) is a no fault state, but I think I understand that fault can/might be taken into consideration in regards to SS. I have some evidence, possibly enough to establish guilt.
Right now, we are amiable. I am being a nice guy and we are going to sit down and divvy things up and then look at the budget (where I might loose it when she says she needs such and such to maintain).
We have a nice home and she drives a very nice car (way beyond our means, while I drive a value pkg civic). We have zero equity and a 2nd mrtg. Some serious CC debt and her car payment and my daughters car (nice also) payment are deducted out of my check.
I have close to 400k in retirement funds that she will want half of, I’m sure. And she will gladly burn a fourth or third of it in tax penalties just to get the rest as cash in hand to blow.
I just wonder if I would do any better to get a high dollar attorney and try to beat this SS? Or should I just try to convince her of my inability to pay and the unfairness of having to pay other than temporary. I do think she feels a little bad about that part but she loves money more than anything and would not hesitate to cut any balls off to get it (probably over dramatic here…but)
OK, sorry this is so long. I appreciate any and all feedback. Oh and yes I have schedule a therapist to help me deal with all these emotions and I see my GP this afternoon regarding my BP, etc…but thanks.
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1332
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[quote]
She was a stay at home lazy *ss mom for about 14-15 yrs of it. [quote]
being a stay at home mom is not an easy job. Have you ever tried to take care of a home and children full time? Or, did she do it all? I'm not taking up for her, just reminding you of this.
[quote] But like, I imagine, probably every other guy on here it galls me to think about paying SS. [quote]
There are many WOMEN on this site who are appalled to think that their husband is requesting SS. Mine is. And he's perfectly capable of earning over $65K a year!
[quote] I've been killing myself for her and now I have to continue to do so and reap no benefits!? I would also like to know if maintaining my lifestyle is even taken into consideration. [quote]
Welcome to the wonderful world of divorce. Sorry you're here.
[quote] Kentucky (where we live) is a no fault state, but I think I understand that fault can/might be taken into consideration in regards to SS. I have some evidence, possibly enough to establish guilt. [quote]
Doing this could increase your attorney fees substantially, and add fuel to her already burning fire. I would steer clear of finger pointing if you want to get out of this divorce with some dignity and some $$.
[quote] I just wonder if I would do any better to get a high dollar attorney and try to beat this SS? [quote]
She can ask for anything she wants, but that doesn't mean she will get it. You did have a long marriage, and will probably have to pay some SS. You can push for a limited amount of time to have to pay SS. Maybe several years until she gets herself on her feet.
[quote] Oh and yes I have schedule a therapist to help me deal with all these emotions and I see my GP this afternoon regarding my BP, etc…but thanks. [/quote]
Excellent plan. Therapists are indispensable in these situations. I'm glad to see you're taking care of yourself, because that's the most important thing you can do for yourself right now.
I would get recommendations on a good attorney and hire them. Then you need to decide what is most important for you to come out of this divorce with (money, house, no SS, child support, whatever is your goal) and plan your case around that. You won't get everything you want, but can usually negotiate to get the one thing that's most important to you.
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Samsung
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 2223
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One thing you can do, which most would consider not to be "dirty," is if you work overtime, cut it back to 40 hours immediately. Most have found the child support, taxes and the additional SS you will pay from the overtime, eats all of it up.
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EZmark
Platinum
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 292
Loc: Florida
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You're worst nightmares are about to come true. You're gonna pay for letting her be that lazy a$$. No the adultry don't matter. No you don't get to keep your lifestyle. Sams right about the overtime, in fact if that's not a great job it wouldbn't hurt you to be fired in the next two yrs. You're gonna be hit with close to 2K CS until the kids are old enough, that doesn't leave much for SS. My guess is CS plus small SS till the kids are old enough, and then she'll be back to modify and replace the CS with SS. No german it's not a fulltime job kids that age can feed and wash themselves. I don't know your age but if you're young enough to recover and you can give her everything for no SS you'll be doing yourself a big favor jsut to get rid of the leach.
Worst case you're looking at her being "short" 40K a year for how ever many years it takes for you to reach 67, plus she gets half your 401 & half the house. Less 1/2 the debts of course. add that all up. Add in any insurances and pension values. If you give her the house and the 401 for non modifiable 0 alimony how much would you get away still owing her, or could you keep some of the 401?
You will need an attorney to fight and forget about winning after 20 years. About all you can fight for is terms like if she gets a live in or remarries it terminates, a few conditions which she will be careful to avoid anyway. If you can borrow against your 401K you can pre-pay your top end lawyers, cars off, etc., get another place, reduce your income. Keep half for her safely, the court will probably order you to pay her lawyer. MAYBE if she sees that it will all go to the attorneys instead of her she will let you keep something. Sorry but it's up to her how it's going to go, you are just an ATM.
Mediation is your only hope, if you can remain cool because your gonna lose terribly here. Spend now on your kids and yourself, you won't have anything later regardless. Trade that Civic for a Lexus tomorrow, book that cruise with the kids, dinner at Ruth Chris, this is your last hurrah. Borrow or charge it she's gonna pay for half and the other half and anything left she'll get. You think it's hard to squeeze by now wait till you have two households to support on 2/3 of your salary and your savings are gone. You will either have to support her for the rest of her loose and worthless life, give it all to her now, go into underground economy, or fly the coop.
I hope you can mediate your way out and have some years left to rebuild, but something tells me you'll be posting again. Welcome to this little corner of he11.
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jbar
Platinum
Reged: 12/16/06
Posts: 1076
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===========================================================
I have close to 400k in retirement funds that she will want half of, I’m sure. And she will gladly burn a fourth or third of it in tax penalties just to get the rest as cash in hand to blow.
===========================================================
It sounds as if this may be the main thing she is after. Are these benefits "vested"? Could she cash them out, immediately, if she is willing to pay the taxes you mentioned?
"Community" and "marital" property are very old forms of legalized theft, which originally evolved from an honest, though mistaken, effort to address the situation existing in this country at the time, when marriage and running a business together were inseperable. However, in those few cases where there was NO business, or where the work of the wife had not been necessary--or provided--to support the man in his work, the possible inequity of the operation of these laws was extremely restrained. There was no "no-fault" divorce and clear, proven grounds were necessary to obtain one. Today either party, but nearly always the woman, can simply wait until enough wealth has been created--even exclusively, or nearly so, by the man--and then divorce him for no other reason but that she is ready for her money and wishes to strike out for "greener pastures" and, perhaps, even for the opportunity to do it all over again!
The reason that it is so difficult to explain the unjust nature and operation these laws to people is that either type of law, "community/ marital property" or "no-fault divorce", sounds good and completely harmless by itself. It is only when an individual is capable of contemplating the combined effect of both of them, together, that the pernicious inequity--and iniquity--of these laws in combination becomes clear.
Take heart in the knowledge that others know what you are going through, and how it feels to be an official victim of political demagoguery. Politicians know that the most certain way to lose the support of the people is to try to explain something to them, or to expect them to think!
Edited by jbar (05/21/08 02:03 AM)
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3499
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[quote] reduce your income. [/quote]
My ex tried that. It didn't work. All it did was piss the judge off.
That's one of the things that you don't do in a divorce.
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skitch
New
Reged: 05/20/08
Posts: 4
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wow, I was somehow hoping for some good news. I am, almost, sorry I asked.
makes a fella want to just shoot himself and really f*uck her over. but he'd, again, be the one who really got f*cked big time. don't worry, i have atherapist lined up tomorrow afternoon and I saw my GP yesterday and got some antidepressants, blood pressure meds, and sleeping pills. I have no intention of taking my life, but damn it crosses my mind as the best way to get back at her!
but here's the deal, I think she actually feels bad about doing this to me. In fact I think she actually teeters on wanting to undo it (not that i could, at this point). So, I'm thinking maybe continue with the plan for us both to be represented by this one lawyer who specializes in mediation. We've both agreed to do this with as little damage as possible. And she has even said she has no intention of ruining my life over this. I think I will continue to play nice and see just what I can get out of her this way and then if needed go to a lawyer.
I have an appointment with a top gun lawyer this Friday, that she will not be aware of. I'll present it to him. And ask him to standby till I see negotiations break down far enough to justify his exspense (money wise and damage to the otherwise friendly divorce wise).
Looking around on the web about this and related things I ran across an article on a "marraige strike" that the young men of today are on for just this kind of injustice! Damn I wish I had been exposed to it before I got married. I was almost not married. I waited til I was 32. I was determined not to and then I met her, hot little 23 yr old looking for a daddy! And now I'll be done supporting our children before I am done supporting her!!!! arrgghhh!!
Well, thanks, really for all the feedback and "insightfulness". and please keep it coming.
I'll keep you all updated.
Thanks Bill
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skitch
New
Reged: 05/20/08
Posts: 4
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also, I guess what I really need is some heart tugging analogies and reasonings to help illustrate to her the injustice of the SS without pissing her off. So, I humbling ask of those of good reason and experience to pitch in and help a poor b*stard out.
and after giving it some more thought I would take her back if she changes her mind. yep, I'd swallow my pride and try to make the best of it, because she has me by the balls. Then I would just hope for changes in the laws and/or the circumstances.
i will come out of this ok, somehow, even if i have to pay. I will just increase my own income afterwards to compensate, lord knows I'll be motivated. uhhh, she would have no rights to future income increases, correct? please tell me "no", please!
thansk again everyone (male and female alike) I do appreciate the since of community i have found here.
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bluenote
Silver
Reged: 12/11/07
Posts: 79
Loc: Murrieta, CA
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Bill,
I thought you hijacked my situation when I read yours - it is pretty much like mine.
I am seeing an attorney now since she did not want to be reasonable with SS. CS is something I cannot negotiate in Cali with 3 minor kids. She cheated and now wants her share of the pie. We were married 14 yrs in Cali.
I filed a default divorce since she did not respond to it.
She makes 24K, I make 100K. She wants half the house equity (to include the high item belongings), half my 401K, more than 50% custody of kids. If I even have 50% custody, I will still me looking at possibly paying a grand or more in CS alone.
I believe she would take my hopes and dreams if there was any money value associated with them!
My uneasiness comes from not knowing what I will have to pay in SS and CS. I will definitely have to sell the house once I have to pay SS and CS, and we know the market is not good!
Not knowing makes it hard to plan for my future. The waiting for a court date is killing me!!!
What would help me somewhat is if I would be designated primary custodial parent to offset some money - especially since I have a CPS report on her leaving the kids alone one night to see her affair partner (I was away on a business trip).
There seems to be no way around anything else other than through settlement, and she is not hearing it!
Welcome to povertyville!
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1332
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[quote] uhhh, she would have no rights to future income increases, correct? please tell me "no", please!
[/quote]
I have seen other posters complain about SS changes after several years. I'm not speaking from experience here. But, depending on how your divorce is worded, you can make non-modifiable (that means it can't go up or down) or you can write it to be re-evaluated in the future if required.
Either way there is risk.
I'm trying to avoid SS at all costs. I will take on more of the debt just to avoid paying SS. That's just my desire. I don't want to be reminded month after month that my life, emotions and finances were drained by my stbx.
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