northwest mom
New
Reged: 02/15/08
Posts: 2
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Hi, new here. My Husband had an affair, I found out he went to a lawyer behind my back. 17 yo daughter wants to live with him and recently lied to me about a meeting the gf. (while he was trying to work things out with me) Daughter and I had a great relationship before this. Why does she support her father so much? I'm the one that is devastated and getting screwed. Daddy is buying her love and there is nothing I can do about that. Its wrong. I am really having a hard time with this. I raised this child and feel like she is kicking me when I'm down. I don't get it. I have always been a good Mom and taught my kids to be independent and honest. This hurts.
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WolRon
Platinum
Reged: 01/16/08
Posts: 255
Loc: MN, USA
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" I have always been a good Mom and taught my kids to be independent and honest."
Well, her wanting to be with her dad IS independence...
Don't get upset with me for saying this but maybe your daughter didn't think you were as great as her dad was (or is now). Just pointing out the possibilities...
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I didn't get married to pay CS later in life.
http://home.cmit.net/rwolbeck/childsupport
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3591
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She is afraid of losing her father. She is treating you like this because she is secure in her relationship with you.
She is also old enough to for the courts to take where she wishes to live into serious consideratin. Rather than fighting with her, tell her that you love her and will always be there for her. And let her live with her father if she wants to. She is close enough to 18 that if she decides she doesn't want to live with him anymore and he refuses to let her move back, he won't be able to stop her once she turns 18.
Sometimes you have to let go of your child so that they can learn for themselves what other people are like.
One day, she will realize that her father was wrong to have cheated. And to have put her in the middle of it by introducing her to his gf before he even filed for divorce.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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Good advice from Jada. Hard to say how this will all shake out but you aren't going to make it go the way you want by fighting your daughter's wishes.
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justgottabreathe
Platinum
Reged: 08/01/06
Posts: 1632
Loc: Michigan
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I went through this with my daughter....insisted she wanted to live with dad.....broke my heart, but I let her follow hers.
She never moved. She stayed with me, and in time came to see that she could see him whenever she wanted, and still live at home.
It was hell for about 6 months, but she needs to find out for herself what the realities are.
And it's true that they'll push your buttons because they know they can trust you. All of mine did that.
Be there for her. And let her feel her way for herself.
It's the toughest thing I ever did, but my daughter knows she made her own choices, and things are great between us now.
I hope things work out for you two.
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Anne Marie
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Been there, done that, got the t-shirt:)
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northwest mom
New
Reged: 02/15/08
Posts: 2
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Thank you for the advice and comments. I appreciate it more than you all know. I have not fought with her about her decision. I told her she was old enough to decide for herself. I did tell her that I was having a rough time with it and that she would have to accept that, but I tell her I love her everyday. I just miss her so much.
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scbeck
Platinum
Reged: 12/29/07
Posts: 919
Loc: New Brunswick Canada
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Northwest my daughter is a little younger than yours at 13 but we are just about in the same place. Sometimes she wants to be with her Dad and sometimes she wants to be with me. You are doing the right thing to let her make her own decisions and now you need to get consistent support for you either from a counsellor or friends or family so you can look after you through out this too.
Good luck
Christine
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This is the first day of the rest of my life. Or maybe tomorrow will be.
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 1028
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Well, her wanting to be with her dad IS independence...
Don't get upset with me for saying this but maybe your daughter didn't think you were as great as her dad was (or is now). Just pointing out the possibilities... [/quote]
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That was a really mean thing to say to someone who is hurting. That is obvious...teens and kids manipulate situations to their own advantage. Words of support would have been more helpful...some things are just better left unsaid. Just my honest opinion.
J
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dumblond
New
Reged: 02/19/08
Posts: 4
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I agree with jada 100% I have 3 children 9,13 & 18. There are 2 different dads and neither one of them do a darn thing for the kids. The funny thing is the kids will hurt my feelings and they don't worry about me getting mad but they sure worry about Dad. I take this as a compliment. The children are comfortable with our relationship and they know I will love them no matter what. They are secure with me. Don't worry about your daughter, she will be fine. She is almost 18 and don't worry she will grow tired of trying to win her dads approval, which is what it sounds like she may be doing.
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Dana_D
New
Reged: 02/18/08
Posts: 24
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[quote]Why does she support her father so much? I'm the one that is devastated and getting screwed. Daddy is buying her love and there is nothing I can do about that. Its wrong. I am really having a hard time with this. [/quote]
Just my observation for what it's worth...
Stating that your daughter's love can be "bought" is really degrading and insulting to your daughter. If somebody told me this I would be offended.
And at the risk of being accused of being "mean", and for the purpose of not becoming just another enabler, I would suggest you stop blaming other people for your problems and stop playing the role of the victim. It sounds like your using your roles as the victim to get sympathy.
The reality is that your daughter doesn't want to be with you. All you can control is your own behavior. Blaming other people and looking for sympathy is only going to reinforce the patterns that have created this situation to start with.
I also think it might be incorrect to assume that your daughter doesn't want to be with you because she is "secure" in her relationship with you. Like the other poster said, maybe you should ask your daughter if you were really a great mother like you think you were.
Just my honest suggestion to try to help...
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