Momof4angels
New
Reged: 05/22/08
Posts: 2
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I'm not totally sure if anyone can help me here but I don't know where else to turn right now. Just a short history....I've been married to my husband for 12 years. We have 4 beautiful children (including my 13 year old step-daugther). My husband is a very seemingly intelligent, loving family man. Our marriage was very difficult at first, me being 19 and straight from Mom and Dad's house, and him a 26 year old divorcee, but it gradually got better and better until 2004 when I was blind-sided by my husband getting caught embezzling money from his company. I was ready to leave, angry and betrayed. Instead, I decided to stay and try and work through things with him. Over the last 4 years, he worked to gain back my trust and things have been amazing. We hardly ever fight, our sex life has never been better, we enjoy family time immensely and are now parents to very healthy, smart, active kids ages 13, 9, 8, and 7. This past Monday, I found out from a relative that my husband was no longer at his job. After confronting my husband, he said that he was let go last Thursday for insubordination. I asked for his boss' number so that I could find out what was really going on and I found out from his very kind boss that they caught him stealing from the company. I've had to find out this way both times. He doesn't even have the decency to tell me himself! My kids have 1 week of school left and I have to pretend like everything is normal when indeed, it is not. Part of me says to just kick him out and the other part wants to try and keep the family together. We are waiting to hear if he will be prosecuted or if they'll just have him pay restitution. The future that felt so certain has now been ripped away. I feel so betrayed but at the same time, I can't even react because I have to let my children finish out the school year happy and secure. I am so scared. If someone could just give me their take as an outsider or if any of you have ever been in a similar situation, I would love to hear what you did or what you think. Thank you so much.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3312
Loc: Florida
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He lies and steals at work...he lies at home...
Can you trust ANYTHING he's telling you?
Has he gone to counseling? Is he willing to go?
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germangirl631
Platinum
Reged: 04/04/08
Posts: 1592
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Did he leave on Friday morning to "go to work" even though
he didn't have a job?
I would require him to go to counseling if you are going to stick with him. If he's not willing to do the counseling, he's not willing to make the marriage work - and there would be your answer. Maybe he has a gambling problem or something you don't know about. He needs to come clean.
I agree. If he's stealing and lying at work, and lying at home, how can you trust him? He needs to explain himself completely before you can move on with anything. Do you think you could ever trust him again? Why do you think he needs to steal money? Do you have an idea of your family's financial situation? There are a lot of questions that need answering.
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Momof4angels
New
Reged: 05/22/08
Posts: 2
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I have definitely thought these things myself. One of the first things I told him was that he needs help and he admits that. He has experienced alot of loss in his life that is accompanied by alot of guilt. As a young adult, his grandmother, whom he was always very close to, was undecided about a surgery that would improve her digestive problems. He talked her into having the surgery and she died right after having it. In 1995, after his wife left him for his best friend, he was left to raise his daughter on his own. The next year, he met me and we got married after dating for only 6 months. I believe he had unresolved issues from his marriage but I was too young to see it at the time. In 1999, he lost his mom to cancer. He was quite spoiled by his mom and grandma as a child and never wanted for anything. At the age of 12, his Dad lost a very lucrative job when his company shut down, and alot changed after that. After receiving a new toy every week and having huge birthdays and Christmases, it all had to change due to money issues. However, together my husband and I are (were) making more than we have since we got married and there was absoluetly no financial excuse for what he has done. I am not aware of any gambling issues other than the occasional (couple times a month) purchase of lotto tickets. I have told him that he has no other choice than to see someone and he is more than willing. He promises that if I stay with him, which he has admitted he has no right to ask of me, he will work hard the rest of his life to make this right. But you all know how it is, when you've been lied to so much, words mean nothing. I am also trying to figure out what this means for me and my children. We are now living on my salary alone until we find out what will happen to him. And there's one more issue that is a HUGE thing I cannot get past....My step-daughter has been a part of my life for 12 years. She and her bio Mom have a very strained relationship. She is closer to me than anyone and if I leave my husband, I also leave her. It's hard enough dealing with the concept of losing my marriage AND having to say goodbye to my kids for any length of time but I am also losing my step-daughter. I am so lost....
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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Take it from someone who has been where you are, he will not change. If you didn't need the money, there is a deeper subconsious reason to steal. You are not his mother, you do not have to babysit him for him to "behave". You are not ready to leave him though. You are making excuses for why he is like he is. The thing is, until you are ready to stand up for you and the kids and say enough!, you may leave, but you will either forgive him or constantly question your descion to leave. One thing you need to consiter is whatever you "accept" and forgive him for now will not be admissiable in the future if you do decide to leave. By staying you are in essence "forgiving" him in the eyes of the law.
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