jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1576
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I took this from the other post because I didn't want to hijack. But if there is one thing that most of us that are through the divorce would tell you - it is to bury the emotions.
Here is a reality - the court is not about telling you that your cheating ex is a bad person. It is not going to tell you that you are browbeaten, etc. They will not justify the feelings nor validate them.
They are there to determine:
- division of property - not how much sweat equity you put into it
- custody of children - focusing on the children, their best interests and imminent danger issues.
The more you cloud things with accusations, concerns and worries that have no IMMEDIATE impact on these decisions, the less help you will have from the judge.
Is this right? No. Is this reality? Yes.
These people are overwhelmed. Most of them believe we all deserve at some level what we are dealing with because we married this person. That doesn't mean that we deserve to be hit, abused, lied to, etc. It means that they cannot change the person. The court cannot make them a different person. All it is going to do is make them a divorced person.
It is very easy to get caught up in the war, but the court is only there to sign the treaty at the end of the war. The less you involve them in the battles, the better off you will be.
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tlv
New
Reged: 05/23/08
Posts: 9
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I wish you could tell that to my stbx. He can't see past his anger to do what is best for our children.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1237
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It is things like this I wish we could keep at the top of the forum for all new members to read and for some of us to reread.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1576
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Not the point to tell it to your stbx. The only person you can control in your divorce is you. If the other party wants to escalate,you cannot stop it. But anything you can do to look reasonable and realistic will help you in the long run.
For an ex that wants to litigate everything, sometimes the only thing you can buy in the court is your credibility and some forgiveness.
And chatter, forget bumping this up - it should have been tattooed on my forehead during my divorce. I am very good at telling people to do as I say, not as I do...when I was in the thick of things, it took an outside person to get me to think logically sometimes.
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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Bury your justified anger....
Hmmm. Why is it always considered anger? Perhaps the written word, left open to interpretation, seems like anger. Either way, whatever name you give an emotion that could be considered negative - frustrated, disappointed, or downright p*ssed - it doesn't belong in a courtroom.
Just the facts. And oh, how those facts get twisted....how the games are played where the one who spent way too much time pushing your buttons rather than solving a real problem are played on a much larger scale, with much higher stakes, with a professional button pusher arguing his case. It's SO unnecessary!
And damnit, that makes me angry! ;)
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