rhjh
New
Reged: 06/23/08
Posts: 8
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As I get close to finalizing my divorce, we have come to a difference of opinion on how long the kids should stay with each parent. Right now we have defined that the kids will stay with a parent for three weeks, with a weekend break in the middle with the other parent, then swap that time frame.
I understand that this is a equal arrangement, we'll each get the same time with our kids. What I wish is that the we could reduce the length of the stay, three weeks seems too long to me for the kids to be away from one parent. Granted we've agreed that we can visit and see our kids when they are with the other parent but I am hoping to change my x's thoughts on the length. There is no "wool over the eyes" attempt here, I just want to try and make a compelling case that we are both comfortable with.
I personally feel that one or two week stints are better. I believe that more frequent swaps are good better for all concerned. It seems to me that it equips both parents to be more involved in what the kids are doing at school, with their friends, and any other outside forces. In effect the parents are keeping up with the thoughts of their kids and can act or react to most situations better.
Hoping for feedback on this, either for or even contra to what I think, as I want the best for my kids but do think shorter durations are better. What are your thoughts? What advice would you have to help substantiate the idea that would help me mediate an amicable agreement?
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1315
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I'm with you one or two weeks then switch.
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jststartinova
Platinum
Reged: 05/28/08
Posts: 357
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I agree on the shorter durations - 3 weeks is a long time. My STBX was married and we had visitation with his son - never missed one but...he lived with his mother full time - we saw him one night a week and every other weekend. Problem was location - she lived an hour away (moved when she got re-married) so there was no way to share week by week.
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rhjh
New
Reged: 06/23/08
Posts: 8
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We're lucky on a few fronts 1) living close to each other 2) working on making this best for the kids.
She is pretty hard-lined on this issue. She feels anxious over creating an environment for the kids that doesn't allow them to have a sense of home. She says that she feel like a week with each is too much shuttling around for the kids. I too do not want to create that for them but feel 2 weeks each mitigates her concerns, good for the kids and is a good compromise.
It's one of those things where I want to make a very rationale, benefits based case on. I'm hoping that someone on the board will help me with any pointers, facts that it works etc...things I can use to help me advocate the position without coming off like I'm trying to pick a fight. I really just want the best and think this is a good compromise.
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3312
Loc: Florida
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How old are the kids?
If they are old enough, what are there thoughts on it? 2 weeks seems more reasonable to me...also I would think it'd be easier to keep track of and manage than an odd number of 3...
Are there specifics for visitation during those 3 weeks or just up in the air and whenever you feel like it? That might be more intrusive than switching every 2 weeks.
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numbnms
Platinum
Reged: 10/18/07
Posts: 743
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I swap weekly on fridays with my ex. My kids are 2 and 5. Its up to the parents to make it feel like home not the time spent at each place. We have been doing this for the 9 months, the first couple of switches were a little troublesome but since then the kids think it is normal and have shown absolutely no problems with switching. One thing to make it feel like they are home and not visiting is to make sure they have their own stuff at each house so they are not lugging suitcases back and forth, to me nothing undermines a home feeling as having to unpack a suitecase. They each have a blanket or bear they like that they do take back and forth but they fit easily in their normal backpack stuff.
If you have a different tast in clothes than she does, my ex has the worst taste in clothes so I make sure that they wear the clothes I picked them up in when I drop them off. So far she caught on to what I was doing and does the same thing, I only lost a couple of nice outfits each before she realized what was going on, never even had to say anything.
Another thing to pay attention to when swapping that often is to be sure that you pick up your share of the haircuts and try to make the doctor appointments during your week. Nothing fuels a fight faster than one ex telling another they made an appointment and committed them to figuring out how to make it or everytime your kids come to your house they are shaggy and you have to arrange to get their haircut on the fly. Basically it boils down to working with each other and realizing the parents got divorced not the kids and start behaving accordingly, it's not their fault and they didn't ask to be in the situation so the least we can do is make it as painless as possible.
Just some random thoughts from someone the has 50/50 custody week on week off.
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Forget waiting for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2737
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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three weeks?
wow...
would you both get to see the kids a bit during that time?
i mean, even a little?
i would be SO sad to not see the kids for that long.
i know lots of people who have some kind of 50/50 split,
but not for that long of a time in between.
actually the common one is weekly switching.
but two weeks MIGHT be better i guess.
...but this is FAR out of my element.
so...go with others who are dealing with this type of senario.
if you do that 3 week thing
i still would see if somehow you could both see the kids
during the time that isnt yours.
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taryn.
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rhjh
New
Reged: 06/23/08
Posts: 8
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We've agreed that we can each visit the kids between our visits and spend ad-hoc time with them (they are 5 & 9). Neither one of us want to isolate the kids from the other parent, we really are trying to do the best for the kids and our relationship.
I'm just having difficulties trying to get her to see my side of reducing it to two weeks. We are in the final stages of getting paperwork together and I've asked her to just think about it before we finalize everything.
I really feel like we can agree to this if I focus on justifying my rational and keeping my focus on the well being of the kids.
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melanie14
Platinum
Reged: 03/11/06
Posts: 3079
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3 weeks is way too long. The kids are too young to be away from either of you for that length of time. i would start out with every other week. Do either of you have to put them in daycare or have a sitter while you are at work?
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3590
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How old are the kids? For very young kids, that schedule sucks. For teen-agers, that would probably work. As long as it isn't 3 whole weeks of not seeing the other parent.
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