dolphintn
New
Reged: 09/23/08
Posts: 1
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my x and i have been divorced since 1998. he had unlimited visitation but never came to see her. she has seen him collectively about 25-30 times since we split up. she is now 12 and has not seen him at all in the last 6-7 years. we went back to court off and on now for the past year. she has told the court that she does not want to see him at all and that if they send her to stay with him that she will run away. the court has now sent her to councelling and for an emotional evaluation in memphis. she is so upset about all this that she is not doing well in school and my hands are tied. what do i do. she wants my new husband to be her real dad. she wants nothing to do with her biological dad. how do i help her.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1693
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Make sure she gets the counseling. Unfortunately, the courts are going to side with a dad trying to get his life back with a child if he makes good faith efforts.
The counseling will give her the tools. It will also give her a voice with the courts to help the situation.
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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"how do i help her?"
Listen. Ask open ended questions. Same thing a therapist would do. Moms are usually more effective.
Edited by KGrow (09/23/08 10:42 PM)
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5191
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WHy would they send her to STAY with a man who has not seen her at all in teh past 6-7 years despite that he would have been allowed to see her whenever he wanted? There is more to this story... why would he even suddenly want to see her when he has shown no interest before?
If the circumstances you're explaining are totally accurate... that he chose not to see her even though he had every opportunity and you gave him the opportunity to have access whenever he wanted without restriction... it's HIGHLY unlikely that they'll send her to him for anyhting more than a visit.
Your way of getting her to do this is the say way you'd get her to stay at your mother's house if you were going to be away for the weekend and needed her to spend the whole weekend with grandma even though she'd rather stay home... the way you'd get her to go to camp if she was feeling homesick... the way you'd get her to go to school if she was feeling scared of some bully or that the teacher would be upset with her for not doing all her homework or something!
You tell her that this is what YOU want her to do. You CONVINCE her that this is what you want her to do. You don't give a tiny little hint of reluctance or anger at him, you find a way to wipe away all previous hints of anger or reluctance against her father. If you had previously made the mistake of letting her think that you didn't like him or that you would be happy if she didn't see him... then you let her know that you made a mistake and you really want her to get a connection with her dad. That it's really important for teen girls to get to know thier dads.
You can tell her that maybe LITTLE girls cna get along without, but TEEN girls REALLY need thier Dads... and remember, that TEENS need to hear FROM A MAN"S pOINT OF VIEW, that they are pretty, that they are worthy, that boys will like them without them having to do stuff that they think they aren't ready to do yet. Dads need to tell their girls how smart they are and how competent they are and how proud Daddy is of them. Girls NEED this, so if your ex is trying to get time with her, you need to find a way to WELCOME it instead of fighting it.
Why have you been back to court off & on for the past year... PLEASE don't tell me that you've been fighting him in wanting more time with his child... becasue that's not what you said at first... you SAID that he was supposed to have access basically whenever he wanted and ... well, I guess I'm wondering if that is true, then why are you back in court over this?
Finally, kids are often afraid of change and will say whatever they can (that they'll run away, for example) to convince adults to let them NOT have to go through a change... to hear them talk, sometimes, you'd think they were going to DIE if they had to move away from a friend, if they had to change a school or an activity... but it's just not true. Learning to adapt to change is an important life skill. It's sad that this is not a usual change, this is a chnange from zero time with dad to SOME time with Dad... but what's sad is not that she's going to get time with dad... waht's SAD is that she has had so little time with him until now. It's GOOD that she's GOING to have time with him...
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jre
New
Reged: 09/22/08
Posts: 15
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The child can have a relationship with both the real father and the step-father. There doesn't have to be a one or the other decision. Your child may feel if she opens her life to her father that she is disloyal to the step dad.
You may accidentally be affirming that idea. 12 year olds are quite adept at overhearing "grown-up" conversations, yet not seeming to be able to hear when you call them to do their chores. Be careful what you say about her biological dad, when she is in the house.
Your daughter is probably scared of a man she has only heard about, and doesn't know well. Encourage her to go to her counselor to work through these fears. A child should always be encouraged to have a relationship with their biological parents unless the parents might harm the child. You didn't indicated that you thought that was the case.
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