jakandme
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 569
Loc: on my way up the hill
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ok, so here I am again with another dilemma, not a huge issue like the ones that arise with me almost daily but this one has me stumped. My son is the oldest of my kids. He has a diff. dad from my girls. My ex-hubby is really a good guy and has always paid child support and is there for our little boy all the time. My ex has gotten our son every weekend since he was very small. Now I am going through this separation and the ex is on my side, knows the details and feels compassionate. His wife has become my best friend. I can turn to her about anything and she loves our son as if he was her own. She also adores my daughters and would do anything for them. She buys them things and has babysat on numerous occassions since the stbx would rather wash his hands of the lot of us. My question is: the stbx despises my ex and his wife and neither have insulted him or said one wrong thing to him. He just hates them for his own reasons. They want to babysit our daughters while I go to school, he has not said that they could not. But if it came to overnight stay or something and he disagreed or got mad even, would it matter? I mean I respect him still about his opinions with his children. I just don't see any harm in them staying one night with their brother if they asked me to (which has happened recently) I know these ppl and know that the girls would be in good and capable hands. What do ya'll think?
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What is the future but a mirrored image of the past? Only we can make it better or worse!
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taryn
Platinum
Reged: 05/31/07
Posts: 2738
Loc: standing on the mountaintop! :...
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basically you need a babysitter for the night, right?
and youre using someone you trust.
OR your girls want to have a sleep over
and youre going to let them, right?
those sound okay to me.
but if you girls' dad wants them to stay at his house instead of the sitter's do you have one of those 'first right' clauses?
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taryn.
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jakandme
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 569
Loc: on my way up the hill
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his work supposedly is too important for him to keep them any night of the week for me to go to school and him to spend time with them. He has repeatly asked for every other weekend ONLY, anything else interfers with his job! Can you believe that crap? if it was me who was the parent getting visitation, I would want them as much as possible. He just wants to be rid of us all and only asking for them when "he can" to make himself not look so sh@##y. ya know?
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What is the future but a mirrored image of the past? Only we can make it better or worse!
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1315
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During your custody time you do not have to ask your STBX anything. He has no control legally. What you should do is always use your best judgement in who looks after your kids. Nothing that I'm sure you wouldn't do anyway. This just kills my X when my wifes X watches my daughter because she wants to go over with her step-sister for the night.
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saamrodi
Platinum
Reged: 06/14/07
Posts: 3004
Loc: here
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If he throws a fit about it, suggest he keep them then while you are in school or for well deserved "breaks". If he declines, then so be it. I dont see anything wrong with you letting them go over there at that point.
I would LOVE to have that relationship with whoever my ex marries or vice versa on the opposite spectrum.
wow.. :)
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"...And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses..."
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Nish
Platinum
Reged: 02/18/07
Posts: 1657
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Sounds like he has already indicated that he can't or won't take the children while you are in school at night. So, even if your decree had a "right of first refusal" clause, you have already satisfied it. He has nothing to b*tch about since he had the chance, if he could or would take them.
You are free to have anyone babysit your children that you feel secure leaving them with. Sounds like that is your ex and his wife! How awesome!
Oh, if he wanted to, he could threaten to take you back to court. Let him, I think the judge would just laugh him out of court for being a total a$$ and find that the case was a waste of the court's time and most likely would order him to pay any court cost you were out.
Doesn't matter if it is just babysitting them for the evening or an overnight stay. If their Dad can't, he can't and he has no say over what you do, after his refuses.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5191
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If you can't keep them overnight, ask if he wants to keep them. If he does not, then he has no right to complain about who you leave them with. If you get it in writing from him that he is NEVER available on weeknights and so you shoudl stop asking, then Ok, stop asking.
He has no right to complain about anyone you leave the kids with when they're in your control and he has not chosen to take them. He does not have veto power over your new boyfriends, your friends, your babysitters, or any activities you do with them on YOUR time, unless what you are doing is so awful that CPS would take the kids from you as a result. BECAUSE they're with YOU during that time and not him. Well, mabye that's an exaggeration... maybe it doesn't have to be as bad as involving CPS, but... well, if you're not talking about criminals, drug dealers, alcoholics who are drinking in front of the kids, abusers, etc... and there are no reasons to take the kids from your ex other than that the stbx just doesn't LIKE him as a PERSOn... well, this comes under the category of , "who cares if you don't like them, you didn't want the kids this evening so I can do as I want with them, including letting my ex sit for them".
It goes both ways. When HE has them, you have no veto power over whether or not HE has a girlfriend he introduces them to, whether HE has the audacity to braid their hair or not, whether he leaves them with sitters (after you have told him that you can't sit for him this evening) that YOU approve of or not.
You don't have the right ot control each other's household. That's what divorce is all about. You've been through this once before, but it sounds like it wa sa friendly one and so maybe you didn't have to deal with this stuff... and it also sounds like you were both involved enough to STAY involved in your son's life even if you WERE angry at each other.
But for THIS divorce, it sounds like the two of you are going to have to learn how not to hurt each other, not to think you have the right to dictate how each other's house is run, etc.
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kota1967
Platinum
Reged: 01/26/06
Posts: 1480
Loc: New England
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jak: when I have my kids I have NEVER asked my X's permission on who I leave them with...I use my judgement and obviously I would never leave them anyplace I was not assured they would be safe...even when I started letting my oldest "babysit" the younger two for short periods of time I didn't call up my X and ask him if it was ok...by the way my oldest is 15 and when he was about 13 I would leave the 3 of them for short periods of time if my neighbor was him in case of an "emergency"...(:
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jakandme
Platinum
Reged: 12/30/07
Posts: 569
Loc: on my way up the hill
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thank you all so very much! I feel exactly what you all do about it but I need other opinions sometimes because I don't trust my own judgement sometimes during things like this. I do know that they are fine when they are there and they love spending time with their half brother.
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What is the future but a mirrored image of the past? Only we can make it better or worse!
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5191
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Kota could not "never" ask her ex if he watned to keep the kids if there were a babysitter of choice clause in her decree, which most people want. You want him calling you on his nights rather than leaving the kids alone, right?
Even if the kids are older, the question is which is more important, time on their own (or with friends or strangers, relatives, neighbors) or time with the other parent, and the general principle is that it's better for the kids to have time with parents than with others. There are exceptions to the principle, but just envision how you'd feel if you found out from the kids that they were left home alone during a storm for the whole night while thier father was out on a date, and they were scared (a friend of mine went through this... he & his ex had equal time with the kids and on the night he found out that she was not calling him for babysitting time as she was supposed to was a very scary storm. the kids were frantic, couldnt' reach their mother who was on a date, and had been ordered not to call their father.)
And if your kids are older, imagine if you found out that on their father's weekend with them, he left them home alone and they took advantage of the opportunity and left the house and went to a party that you would not have approved of if they'd asked permission.
Kota's situation may be different if she and her ex have worked things out so that they are both happy with the babysitting plans, or if the ex is not set up for babysitting or otherwise made it clear he doesn't want the extra opportunity to see the kids, OR if there is simply no babysitter of choice clause in thier decree... but really, you might want to GIVE him the option to babysit and let him reject it until YOU and YOUR ex work out an amiable resolution of these issues OR you have guidance from the court on whether or not you need to give him the first rights to babysit when you're not with them for a certain number of hours (that friend with the young kids & the thunderstorm, it's a THREE hour babysitter of choice clause... with my husband and his older teen kids, it's a SIX hour clause).
The side benefit of giving him the option at this point and letting him reject it is that you work up a track record for how this SHOULD work out, if it works well and the two of you cooperate, it might actually help in other areas, and if it does NOT work out well and you need special things in YOUR babysitter of choice clause to make it work better, you can ask for it... OR... even not relating to any potential babysitter of choice clause, if he rejects all opportunities to have the kids for such babysitting opportunities, and you've made note of it in a calendar, then you will have evidence for the court about how many times he's REJECTED opportunities to see the kids, if he is coming back and demanding more time than that when the custody battle starts.
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