faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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The past several weeks, our daughter has expressed her desire for Dad and Mom to reconcile somewhat regularly. While I realize this is normal for her at 6, it's been a struggle to help her realize that isn't going to happen.
This evening, she spent the time to make a card with a regular piece of paper and some crayons. She asked for my assistance. I didn't realize at the time that she was making the card for her Dad, and the message inside was "I know this is hard, but I love you."
...and it was signed from her and me (Mom).
I told her that I really appreciated what she was trying to do and that I thought it was incredibly sweet, but that I couldn't give a card to Dad that says "I love you". She said "Yeah, I know you're not getting back together. But I just want you to be friends." I told her "Yeah, I'd like that, too, but I think that is going to take a very long time."
This happened right around bedtime, and the card has been shuffled away into a safe place where she does not know where it is.
However, what to do? Give it to Dad anyway? Ignore it or talk about it in the morning? and how?
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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It is sweet. I would explain the circumstances and give it to Dad. It is good for both of you to know how your daughter is dealing with the divorce.
Feel free to answer you daughter's questions in a more open ended way. You don't, for instance, have to tell her that it will take a long time for you to become friendly with you EX. That's how it feels to you right now. You can't be objective. You don't know what's actually going to happen.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1315
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[quote]It is sweet. I would explain the circumstances and give it to Dad. It is good for both of you to know how your daughter is dealing with the divorce.
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I agree. It is a great way to for your daughter to express her feelings and you do not want her to bottle them up. My daughter has kept hers bottled up and that is why is in theropy. Both parents should know how kids are feeling.
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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Okay, in my 2 AM haze, I left the singlemost important factor out of my post. My concern about giving the card to Dad is that he will find a way to at least make an attempt to use it against me in the custody battle.
Just this past week, we were at a doctor's appointment with her. I mentioned an ailment that she's been experiencing that she and I have discussed. He said nothing while AT the doctor's office, but during our next exchange, used that discussion to be ugly toward me, "I don't know what's going on at YOUR house, but she doesn't have that problem when she's with ME."
I am also aware that papers which went back and forth with the kids during his first divorce under the same type of circumstances were the piece that he pulled out during mediation to humiliate his ex into conceding to his wishes.
While this may SEEM innocent for HER, and it is perfectly reasonable to explain the circumstances and hand over the card to him, I'm not dealing with someone who would be reasonable in what happens with it after-the-fact.
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beachgirl
Gold
Reged: 11/05/06
Posts: 141
Loc: FL
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I think it would be hard for a reasonable person to allow a card that was obviously made by a 6 year old to be used against you in mediation. Why not make a copy of it for yourself and then let your daughter give him the card.
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chatter box
Platinum
Reged: 11/09/07
Posts: 1315
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There is no way he can use these types of feelings your daughter is having to change anything or use it against you. What your daughter is feeling is normal any judge or theropiest would expect it. The only way anything like a note could be used against you is if it looked like it was couched. I got a note that my daughter wrote at her moms that had words that were to big for her say she hated me and wanted to leave when she was 5. That was also about the time my daughter drew a picture of me in the shape of a penis. Those are the kind of letters that can be used against someone. That is why the judge orderd all communitation to be with fax now. If he tries to use it against you it will make him look like the bad guy.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1693
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And you can also teach your child that she needs to talk about her feelings. Tell her that you and her dad are talking about your feelings in places where it is ok for both of you.
I think you give the card, but give him a note explaining that you thought it harmless to allow him to see how his daughter is feeling.
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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I wholeheartedly agree - It would be hard for a REASONABLE person to use it in a derogatory way.
Yet we could debate the behavior of a "reasonable" person until the cows come home. LOL
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faith4two
Platinum
Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 353
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I do encourage her to talk about her feelings. Been doing a lot of reading and changing MY responses to her in that regard and helping her to learn a new "emotional vocabulary".
We've come a LONG way, and this card is but one of many examples of the fun of "Okay, now I've got her talking about HER feelings, so how do I balance that with mine without her perceiving that hers aren't as important?"
That is where parenting books kinda fail us, IMHO.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1693
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Nope - it is where the world does. Your feelings don't matter when it comes to letting your child love her father with all of her heart. How you feel about him has no place.
Kind of crappy to see it in print, but really - whether you love him, miss him, hate him or feel nothing - what she feels is all that matters.
That card is wonderful. But sometimes kids try to feel and think for you during the divorce. That is where you put up boundaries.
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