Divorce Support Forums: do not know what to do

[quote]for the last several years I have basically had to be a single Mom anyway [quote]

Can I be a little off topic for a minute?

This phrase struck me funky. I know YOUR sitaution is not like this, but it sounds very similar to something my husband's ex might want to tell people, something SHE would have struck upon as a great thing to say and repeat frequently, and is part of her daily chatter.

When the TRUTH was that my husband was the one doing the cooking and cleaning and taking the kids to school in teh morning, and homework with them in the evening, and staying with whichever two of the three were NOT in a sport or activity at the moment, and doing the driving or car-pooling if there were TWO of the three in different events at the same time (requiring two parents to act as chauffeur).

HER duties as parent started and ended with planning family vacations, planning what sports they kids should be involved with (and pageants for the girl), and planning their social activities. She did NOT do homework or chores, and the extent of discipline she did involved tellin ghtem that she was going to tell thier Dad what they di and HE would punish them (a common alienating tactic used even when the parents are still together, making Dad look mean even if he does not want that role).

She defined the role of "parent" as the one who did HER stuff, and she ignored the rest, the homework, the getting them up int eh morning, and to bed at night, the cleaning of their clothes and cooking the food, the chores and discipline. She defined "parent" as the one who was the soccer mom or stage mom... and so she would easily run around telling others that she had been "basically a single mom" for the last 6 years of the marriage anyways. Heck, she had ducked out of the first 12 years of marriage, having a full time job in the day and trying to change careers in the evenings, leaving my husband home to do the diapers, teach the kids to walk, to do bedtime with them... basically everything but weekend activities. It wasn't until she slandered someone and had to stop trying to be a politician at night ($40,000 worth of restitution later) that she realized that at this point, all the kids were out of diapers, had learned to talk, walk and read, and were interested in sports... so she took on what she considered to be her role as a parent.

Sadly, she defined "parent" as all the things SHE did, and my husband acquiesced in whatever she said, just to keep the peace for all those years. Obviously, he finally left her, and other things have gotten resolved, but she still gossips and has practiced several pat ways of describing things, and this is noe of them.

She has had a problem with her boyfriend, who occasionally notices what a witch she is to her ex, and how she uses her own children as weapons in her war against him.

What I would say to her if I could, would be that maybe it would be more accurate and less vindictive, more attractive to her boyfriend, if she would stop using phrases like this which sound like someone made them up during an Oprah or Dr. Phil and repeated it. I would suggest that if she was NOT ACTUALLY a single mom, that it might be better and SOUND less exaggerated and less like a catch phrase from a talk show if they simply explained exactly what their role was... if my husband's ex said, "I did most of the organizing of their extracurriculars and driving, anyways, for the past several years", then we couldn't have any reason to complain about it being an exaggeration... yep, she DID do THAT, but at least she leaves it open that HE did contribute SOMETHING, just in a different area.

Please understand I'm not attacking you or even suggesting that youre characterization is an exaggeration in YOUR situation, but it's a red flag. It suggests that probably you have a husband (stbx or ex) who did SOMETHING to help the family, but that you fail to or refuse to acknowledge it. It LOOKS like that, not that it IS like that. Truly, if your stbx was a lazy nothing who spent nights away from home rather than come home and say goodnight to the kids, or if he was a military man who has been deployed for the past year or more... well, then yes, you WERE mostly a single parent... but doesnt' it sound NICER to say that you had to do most of the chauffeur and organizing extracurriculars? Doesn't it sound more like you're acknowledging that he did not simply abandon you to fend for yourself, find your own financing, pay the rent & the utilities on your own?

I'm NOT saying that what you said is an exaggeration, just that it LOOKS like it could be, and it might be nicer to ... instead of looking for ways to show that you are the better parent, look for ways to acknowledge that maybe there are things he did that were good? Or at least not make sweeping statements that he pretty much was zero help with the kids at all?

Sorry for the hijack, it's just ... that kind of thinking, "I was pretty much a single parent anyways", is nto something that strikes me well... and heck, if you have a custody evaluation, it's not going to strike the evaluator well (you might find yourself even being asked if there isn't any area you could find where your ex was not evil), and it's not going to be good for the kids to think of their father as absentee even before the divorce UNLESS he was truly one of those who disappeared one day and you never heard from him again other than to hear he was on skid row.

just my two bits