superrefss
New
Reged: 03/12/08
Posts: 3
Loc: arizona, US
|
|
Currently seperated, looking like divorce. My wife is a flight attendant and her schedule is never set. It is a different schedule month to month. And sometimes some things change during the week or during a specific day. She is supposed to come home one day and then gets sent out for another day or even up to three.
Right now we are going by the terms that I have our 2 kids while she is travelling and she has them when she is in town. I hate it. I am not happy with that and feel it's unfair to me to have to continue to live my life by her schedule.
I want to have a formal agreement where we either split custody week to week, or figure out which consistent days of the week each of us will have the kids. I feel that is the only way I can keep moving on with my life without always accomodating her needs.
We have not gone through a "legal" seperation, but I want to know if anyone has any advice on how I should handle this. I've spoken to her about it on numerous occasions and it always ends up in an arguement. She doesn't feel it's unfair to me at all. And she doesn't want to change anything.
Please help.
|
KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
|
|
The current arrangement will be deemed to be in the best interest of the child. I presume this is something you signed up to during the marriage and it is something you will have to continue deal with post-marriage.
Keep in mind that being bounced around the calendar and planet like this is probably much more difficult for her than for you. As she acquires more seniority with the airline, she'll gain more control over her schedule.
Edited by KGrow (03/12/08 06:59 PM)
|
Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3590
|
|
You are going to have to live your life around her schedule. You have kids together, they need to see their mom. I think it makes sense for you to have primary placement as you are the one with the more stable schedule, but you are going to have to work around the mother's schedule so that the kids can see their mom.
|
superrefss
New
Reged: 03/12/08
Posts: 3
Loc: arizona, US
|
|
Is this your opinion, or are you telling me this is fact? IF fact, how do you know? I appreciate the input, just need to know whether or not you are merely stating your opinion?
This is not something I signed up for. We've been married over 13 years when she just went out and got this job last November. I tried to talk her out of it all the way along as I knew it would tear us apart. And it did. So it's not something I signed up for. I was kinda forced down my throat recently without me having any choice in the matter. I feel as if I am unable to make any plans of my own because her schedule might not allow it. A vacation perhaps???
I understand the needs and best interest of the kids. I do not want to take them from their mom, they need her and she needs them. I just want to know how/why if two people choose to not spend their lives together anymore, why one would be forced to still build their life around the others schdule. How could kids bouncing around back and forth inconsistently be in their best interest? I think kids need a set schedule as well, that is not a set schedule.
I feel it sets them up for letdowns too. She has called before on a Wed afernoon for example when she is supposed to be coming home. She tells us she's being sent back out and now will not be home until Saturday. How can that be fair to the kids or myself? If I had made plans for those off days based upon her schedule, am I now just expected to cancel them because mom can't watch the kids as planned? IS that fair to the kids to have to be let down like that?
I know, lots of questions, but this one realy bothers me. I want the kids to see their mom, but I feel this way is unfair to them and myself both. She is the one that chose to take such a job after being home with them for so many years. Doesn't it count for anything that she chose that this job was more important to her than her family and seing her kids consitently?
--------------------
eugene spiker
|
superrefss
New
Reged: 03/12/08
Posts: 3
Loc: arizona, US
|
|
Same questions to you as to my other reply...
Is this your opinion, or are you telling me this is fact? IF fact, how do you know? I appreciate the input, just need to know whether or not you are merely stating your opinion?
This is not something I signed up for. We've been married over 13 years when she just went out and got this job last November. I tried to talk her out of it all the way along as I knew it would tear us apart. And it did. So it's not something I signed up for. I was kinda forced down my throat recently without me having any choice in the matter. I feel as if I am unable to make any plans of my own because her schedule might not allow it. A vacation perhaps???
I understand the needs and best interest of the kids. I do not want to take them from their mom, they need her and she needs them. I just want to know how/why if two people choose to not spend their lives together anymore, why one would be forced to still build their life around the others schdule. How could kids bouncing around back and forth inconsistently be in their best interest? I think kids need a set schedule as well, that is not a set schedule.
I feel it sets them up for letdowns too. She has called before on a Wed afernoon for example when she is supposed to be coming home. She tells us she's being sent back out and now will not be home until Saturday. How can that be fair to the kids or myself? If I had made plans for those off days based upon her schedule, am I now just expected to cancel them because mom can't watch the kids as planned? IS that fair to the kids to have to be let down like that?
I know, lots of questions, but this one realy bothers me. I want the kids to see their mom, but I feel this way is unfair to them and myself both. She is the one that chose to take such a job after being home with them for so many years. Doesn't it count for anything that she chose that this job was more important to her than her family and seing her kids consitently?
|
KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
|
|
"Is this your opinion, or are you telling me this is fact? IF fact, how do you know? I appreciate the input, just need to know whether or not you are merely stating your opinion?"
It is my advice. If you want to pursue this, you should visit a lawyer and get their advice. There is no specific law to guide the court here. It will be resolved by a judge's ruling. You can expect any ruling to try to balance the needs of the parents with the best interests of the child.
Based on what you've said, it is my opinion that the current arrangement accomplishes that balance. The onus will be on you to demonstrate otherwise to the court. Go visit a lawyer and see if you can put some good arguments together. I just don't see anything overwhelmingly compelling in what you've presented here so far.
|
ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
|
|
Is there a clause that will allow you to "schedule" such things as vacations. Can give her written notice a month prior stating what days the kids will not be available to her? Does she have family in the area that can help her with her custodial time? Prehaps the kids' grandparents would love to have them maybe one weekend a month as a schedule? Essentially you have become the sole parent and you will have to take the responsibility that goes with it. As the kids get older this issue may or may not resolve itself, it all depends on the children's personalities and the effort put forth by the momma. I can understand your frustration with having your life revolve around her inconsistant schedule.
|
Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3590
|
|
It's my opinion. And I have also talked to other people who were in a similar situation and the schedule was court ordered to work around the other parent's schedule.
But if you want a set schedule, then she can have primary placement and you can have every other week-end and one evening during the week. And when she is working, the kids can be with a babysitter.
This way, you aren't working around her schedule. You are just an EOW dad.
It may not be what you signed up for, but it is what you are dealing with.
|
KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
|
|
The notion that a dad must accept EOW + one evening applies to conservative and/or gender-biased jurisdictions and then only if the mother is the primary caregiver (i.e. stay at home or part time work).
This dad could make the case that he's the primary caregiver now since he's there whenever the kids need him and she's only available as per her variable work schedule.
Not to say that I think he could successfully turn the tables on this and stick her with EOW + one evening. That wouldn't work for her schedule; the kids would see her rarely and that would not be in their best interests.
|
ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
|
|
I was under the impression that since the dad was the primary caregiver. If he isn't he needs to make it legally binding. He could easily get this distinction b/c he is the stable home. Once custody is established, then would be the time to address visitation. I forget that some people look at gender when they determine "the best intrests" of the child.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
