JustPen
Bronze
Reged: 12/05/07
Posts: 45
Loc: Pa
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Okay, talking to the ex-wife about getting some otho work done for our son. She starts swearing and I tell her that's not necessary and she hangs up. Then she has our son call back. I ask to talk to mom and she refuses. She then ask our son to ask me if I would put him up for adoption, it would cost me less money. I lost it, on my end, but told my son that I love him and would not ever put him up for adoption. That whole thing just about killed me. How could someone put a kid in the middle of this? That was the last straw. I've tried to keep this mature but she just won't allow me to do that.
Sorry,
Pen
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abbysfv
Platinum
Reged: 02/13/08
Posts: 770
Loc: LA, CA
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Yes you have every right to be upset by that.
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My subconscious is smarter.
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EmergeAnew
Platinum
Reged: 02/26/08
Posts: 229
Loc: IL
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JustPen,
In order to avoid those type of situations in the future, since your wife is willing to put your son in the middle; try keeping your phone calls to your X to times after your son is in bed OR better yet, email works great. Its hard to have a conforntation via email, and if she does want to bad mouth you or anything else via email, well you now have documented proof, that you could take to your attorney or GAL and prove her inability to co-parent and her blatant attempts at allienation.
You keep all your emails as business like as possible. The best way to do that is to write everything you feel you should, then save to drafts, come back an hour or two later and re-read it, and delete everything that is personal or unnecessary.
Eventually, she will get the hint that she cant conduct herself that way. And she will start responding back to you in a business like manner also.
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You must be the change you wish to see - Mahatma Gandhi
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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Pen,
This sucks. Kids have needs... ortho, medical, child care, and the list goes on. Parents who share these expenses need to be able to communicate as adults. Having a boy ask his daddy if he should be up for adoption is akin to a parent telling a child that so-and-so is not really their momma/daddy. This borders on PAS. You did handle the situation correctly. I would follow it up with a "just because" card with a note saying how much you love him. I agree, to avoid this maybe communication should be in the written form. My husband and I use only Email when discussing money items with his ex. She likes the "analyze" all her options before she makes a commitment. Whatever... we make sure the kids get what they need with or without her.
If the momma makes a habit of dragging your son between you two, you will either have to find a way to difuse her effect on the child or avoid contact when she is in the presense of the child. Good Luck and God Bless.... I believe there is a special place in Hell for parents who selfishly shove their wants infront of the child's needs....
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JustPen
Bronze
Reged: 12/05/07
Posts: 45
Loc: Pa
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The ex doesn't like any kind of communication unless it's on her terms. She doesn't like email because I tend to keep copies and use them in replies when she contradicts herself.
I did speak with him a bit this weekend. I wanted to let him know how important he was to me and that there would be no way for me to give him up. Got the usual 10 year old response. More interested in not talking about that kind of stuff but I did a bit of a response.
Pen
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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as far as the momma not wanting to use email... too bad so sad
as for your son... yes this is a typical response. Remember actions speak loudly and that you were willing to bring it up at all is an action. He's uncomfortable by being on the spot. He heard you.
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jersey girl
Platinum
Reged: 08/07/06
Posts: 1693
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Here is the thing about divorce - the only person you can control is you. If your ex calls and wants to talk about things, simply tell her that you will reply by email. You can't make her write back, but it sounds like she likes the last word. So, write her everything. Terminate ANY conversation that moves towards that level of insanity. And tell her why. Then document it with an email -
Dear EX, I terminated our conversation about our son because you did the following.....
However, information about our son and communication that helps us co-parent is important. And then summarize the issue that went off the rails.
The business like approach is also called putting up boundaries. You don't have to be spoken to like that. You don't have to finish a conversation that is emotionally damaging to either you or your child.
It is like training a puppy. When they lose that emotional response, they are going to fight harder and harder and then eventually..... get tired!
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