Fool
New
Reged: 03/29/08
Posts: 4
Loc: USA
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It is 2 years since STBX called our children, told them I asked for a divorce [LIE], took a mild narcotics overdose [4 percodans], then told everyone that I had made him take them. They all bought it, hook, line and stinker [not an error, I meant it]. My grown children were furious with me though they know their father. But they are both parents, for goodness sake, and have their own lives. They both interfered. My 37 year old son wrote smear letters about me to people in my community, and my daughter just acted as if I was a total criminal. She is 33.
My daughter, I have been able to work with and get our relationship back on track, though there are many things she needs to hear, not out of spite, but because she needs to know that I did not do what her father has lied about. She's 33 with the 6th baby on the way, and is still reacting to her parents' divorce.
I am still devastated by the lies that have circulated, and the fact that my son will still not talk to me. I am moving out of the marital home tomorrow, forced by STBX who wants it sold though it's in my name also. He who makes the most money wins. My daughter, living on the false assumption that I wanted the divorce is saying that this must be an exciting time for me. When I hear her say that, I want to burst. For two years, I've been hearing things like that from her that are based on the lies her father told. My son's silence is equally stressful. I don't scream. I don't shout or have tantrums. I have, instead, an ulcer that just will not heal, and is, in fact, getting worse.
What in the world do I do about this infantile behavior in my adult children? My son has taken to his bed, and "can't" work for two years now, blaming it all on me leaving his father.
I want to fly over to my son's home [he's half way around the world] step up on a ladder [he's a lot taller than I am] so I can reach his head, and SLAP HIM UPSIDE THE FACE! I just don't know what to do anymore. I haven't pushed the subject with him for two years, though I've written him several calm letters about what he means to me and keeping away from his father, and those issues, and still, silence.
I can feel my ulcer getting worse by the week.
What does one do with "grown-up" children who are acting like babies? Any ideas? I've even thought of telling my son that if he continues to say that he has no mother, why not have a memorial service, and simply declare me dead?
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If you are kind to the wicked now, then one day, you will be wicked to the kind.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3494
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I am sorry that you are going through this and that your stbx is a jerk.
Does he have a court order that says you have to move out of the marital home? If not, you don't have to move out. He can't force you unless there is a court order. Do you have an attorney?
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ttina
Platinum
Reged: 02/28/08
Posts: 398
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You really can't "do" anything to "make" your children behave like adults. In divorce, blame is easy to give and responsibility hard to take. Your son is a grown man, if he wants to wallow in self pity over his parents splitting up is his own fault. Love him, but don't foster his belief that his problems are your fault. Your daughter is my age with six kids.... wow. Anyway, she may find it easier to blame you b/c she doesn't want to realize her father is weak. Whosoever asked for the divorce it really doesn't matter. A man (or woman) who would throw guilt on his children by stupidly overdosing on percs then blaming thier mother is going to self distruct eventually. As adults they are going to have to come to terms with their father's failure. They will either accept it or not. That is their responsibility to do. Not yours. End every convo/letter with I love you, do not judge and don't say anything you can't take back. If they mature they will apologize in their own way. If not, then they are still your kids, you'll love them anyway... just you'll have the pain to go with the joy.
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Fool
New
Reged: 03/29/08
Posts: 4
Loc: USA
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There's no court order. What he has is a lot of leverage via money. In my state, there is no real legal separation. There is "limited divorce" which is always a precursor to divorce and sets wheels into motion that my lawyer and I don't want to get going yet - there are lots of reasons for that, only one of which is that she is having him investigated because of the large sums of money that keep showing up in his accounts and then keep disappearing. If we filed for the "limited divorce", it would go forward with us having no control over it, and without the information that is needed, and I would most certainly be done out of a LOT of money. As it is, it's bad enough - he lives rent free, food costs free, etc., etc., at my daughter's and takes home $8,000.00/month. He's crabbing constantly at the $1,000.00 he so kindly gives me which he moans and groans about not being able to afford. What we need to know is, "WHERE IS HIS MONEY GOING?!" When we've tried to push it too much in the past, whatever he does "give" me so ungraciously is threatened and he has withheld it at times. That's what was being threatened if I didn't get out of the house so it could be sold. It's a good thing that I work and that the community in which I live is helping me out, or there would be weeks when I wouldn't eat.
So the answer is that he who holds the money, holds the throat of the other spouse. At least my lawyer has REALLY been able to get him on some things that are going to put a dent in his pocket - she's arranged it so that HE is going to be forced to ask for the divorce legally and religiously which will [1] force him to pay HER fees for me, and [2] she wants it on the record that he IS the one who wants the divorce in order to shake my kids up just a bit.
When I was going through the rental process, she also came out full force when STBX's lawyer and he were infuriated that I was getting a 2 bedroom apartment, and they wanted to see it, inspect it, look at it after I'd moved in, look in at regular intervals. They shouldn't have done that, because my lawyer outclasses them in every way. She's a trial lawyer, is very high profile, and didn't get there because she's timid. She never loses her cool. She simply knows which battles to pick and which ones to leave alone. She felt that I would be better off emotionally if I got out of this house with all the horrendous memories and the repair problems that fall on my head and my wallet, despite the fact that I am having so much emotional trouble with it. While I don't really want to move, I have absolute faith in her. She has suggested some very difficult-to-swallow advice, but she's turned out to be 100% correct every time. After all, she's the one who said that in all her years of dealing with divorces, she's never met such an evil man as STBX. So, I do what she says. Beside that, he's already broken in here several times, one of which time I ended up in the hospital emergency room. At least this will put a stop to it. The rental community I'm going to is very protective of its renters and its property. I told them he's a nutcase, and they said that if he so much as shows up in the parking lot to look at me, I should tell them, and THEY will get a restraining order on him because they don't want a sick twist like him anywhere near their property.
So, in the end, he may think he has me, but I'm just playing the hand that my lawyer is suggesting, and waiting it to play out. One thing she's right about with him, and I know this for a long time; before this is over, he will trip on his own tongue, stumble on his lies, and be his own downfall because he's nowhere near as clever as he thinks he is.
I'm letting him take the little battles while my lawyer leads me into winning the entire war. Either way, it hurts.
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If you are kind to the wicked now, then one day, you will be wicked to the kind.
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FMSQUEEN
New
Reged: 04/24/08
Posts: 2
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I can feel your pain. It been 11 years since my son has talked to me. He blames me for the divorce and the ex also told him lies, how I took all the money. I did take 1/2 of the savings ($5,000) So I could find a place to live and new furniture as the ex keep the house and stuff.
Dig this one - the ex wanted me to live in the basement during the separation. This way I was still around for the children. Give me a break. The place I moved to was an apt only one block away from the school. He just wanted to continue to control me.
My daughter to see why I moved out but my son could not. I fear he will be like his father, someone who will mentally control a woman.
My son is 26, you think he would grow up soon.
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gigi
Platinum
Reged: 11/06/06
Posts: 5169
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I'll reply before I read everyone else's replies. Get the book "divorce poison". Read it. It has some suggestions. YES, suggestions even for children who are adults and living far away. You'll find amazing hope and understanding in it.
You'll want to understand the concept, if you don't already, of parental alienation syndrome. And the trick is to figure out how to let them know that they don't have to choose between the two of you, even if they made a choice long ago, this is not like a sporting event where you have a winner and loser and can root for the underdog or home teem. It's not like a war where you enlist others to fight the battle. I know it's been played like that so far, but if you calm down, stop with the talk of ulcers and unfair settlements, and start making sense out of what has happened, understanding that it happens to lots of people and there may be some ways so rebuild, even though it's tougher when theyr'e adults because building a normal adult realtionship with kids is a challenge in the first place... you can do this.
Start by getting a copy of that book, Divorce Poison. You may soon find yourself getting another copy and sending it to your son... not as a slap upside the head, but rather a hug and an olive branch that will say to him "there's stuff that happened that you will never know about and never should, and it's wrong for you to take sides and make choices just becasue of waht your Dad said about me. I still love you and Im here when you want to talk".
It might work.
Edited by gigi (04/24/08 10:56 PM)
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