Divorce Support Forums: My Son hates me since the divorce, since 1998

Get the book Divorce Poison. You might find something in it that will help. If you can get someone to give a copy to your son, it might also help.

I am so distraught at all the adults I know who are so angry at one paretn ot the other becasue of divorces or issues that arose so many years ago. I watched Gray's Anatomy this evening, reminded that the title character was estranged from her father until very close to his death because her mother had divorced the man and made things so difficult for him to visit with his daughter (now Dr. Gray), that our heroine is an emotionally messed up adult. Oddly, they never seemed to resolve the issue before killing off her father. I suppose that's the way it is in real life, but I can't help but wish that in art, they would find a way to let the reunions be happier.

And then there's the show, "Everybody Loves Raymond", where the wife regularly ridiculed the title character as if he was a big doofus. The kids had no respect for him as a result. It was the subject of a single episode, and sadly, his own realization during that episode that the reason his kids were refusing to honor his rules was that his wife was encouraging it... it was never followed through. It was considered funny, amusing, a great big joke that his position in the kid's lives was being marginalized.

Sadly, the alienation of children from a parent, the encouragement of them to believe one of the parents is a doofus or geek... it's considered comedic and appropriate.

And the media encourages people to think that it's important to CHOOSE SIDES in a divorce. Like your son somehow thinks it's his responsibility to choose sides, nad now that he's done that he feels no responsibility to give you a chance, as adult-to-adult, to discuss it or explain or dispell his concerns.

THey oddly treat it as though it's your fault for the relationship failing because YOU are the PARENT, yet as an adult, they have the choice to never talk with you or listen to you, and they make that choice and refuse to ACT like an adult and give you the CHANCE. My husband's adult son shows up whenever he has found a new way to spend another $10,000+, and he will announe his plan to spend the summer in his dream vacation to Europe, and how if my husband wants his love back, my husband will use HIS work to fund his adult son's summer vacation... never mind that the younger siblings' college funds are all being spent by thier mother as we speak so when THEY get college in a year or two we're going to be starting THAT one from scratch! So when the kid, without actually telling Daddy anything about how college is going, what the specific plans are, etc... doesn't get a check for $10,000+ handed to him as a result of this "Daddy, I have a dream vacation that I'd like you to fund" speach... he stalks away resentfully and refuses to speak again for the next 6 months, until a new "opportunity to redeem ourselves with cash" arises.

I watch this little saga from afar, frustrated that my husband comes back constantly disappointed that the kid is more interested in cash than in a relationship, and is actually willing to sell his loyalties, not even seeming ot understand the inappropriate position he is taking. I don't know if there will ever be a resolution to it. Maybe after his school is done and his mother is no longer funding his excesses. We can only hope.

I guess I just write this to you so you will know you are not alone. It's an epidemic. So try to figure out how to reduce the drama involved in your own personal situation with your son. If your daughter is having to ask for your cooperation in not creating a scene at her own wedding, something is up. She is trying. She is wondering if you are maybe being overly dramatic... I will say that there is no such thing as overly dramatic when your own kid is actin glike this and you have no recourse because he's an adult and you can't get a court order to get him into even a single session of therapy with you to get over it... but she may be right. This may be part of the problem.

how can I say it... At my grandmother's funeral, my aunt threw herself onto the coffin. She was one of 14 adult children and about 40 adult grandchildren there, and yet SHE was the one who couldnt' handle it while everyone else was trying to maintain some sense of propriety. As a result, a couple of her sisters refused to invite her to big events, you know, reunions, weddings, cristenings... for the next few months. For fear that she would spend the time talking about HER terrible loss. Finally, someone took her aside and talked to her about it, explaining that she'd be welcome at the NEXT event, but not too many more if she used the event as an opportunity to talk about her loss. Now, as it turns out, once my aunt realized that everyone thought she had over-done it... she was perfectly OK with not making her pain the topic of every conversation or the focus of every event... and she was a bit embarassed about it. But the fact is, this is part of what people were worried about. Because no one had talked to her about it yet.

I'm wondering if your daughter was maybe doing this... if your family is worried that every event with you, every chance you have to be in the same room with your son, is possibly going to result in a SCENE. And at some point, he probably knows it as well. And no one wants it.

Maybe what needs to happen is for there to be MANY more events, opportunities, for the two of you to be in the same room without a scene. Christmas at your daughters?

Of course, it would go a long way if you could make peace with your ex. I know it's a longshot and I'm not by any means suggesting Thanksgivings together or anything, but you've each moved on. Maybe he could, for his son's sake, find a way to forgive you, and you to forgive him. and then he could recommend to your son that it's time to be the forgiving one.

I know I've made several suggestions, and probably all won't work or help, but maybe ONE will? One idea will ease your pain, or give you an idea to help you move forward for this?

Good luck and keep us up on how it goes. But read the book Divorce Poison first. Start to understand the concept of Parental Alienation Syndrome and how it works, and maybe you'll come up with a way to make it get a little better in your family.