Divorce Support Forums: Can I Leave The Country?

Hi there - my husband and I have been married 6.5 years and have 2 girls aged 14 months and 7 weeks.

I have not filed for a divorce yet, though I have wanted to for a long time, just due to not having the money or the self-confidence (I have social anxiety disorder which began a few years into the marriage and has gotten worse and worse. I rarely leave the house and some days I can't take a phone call, never mind go out and meet with a lawyer).

It's a long story. I met my husband online and came to NY from Ireland to be with him. Upon arriving here I found that he had lied about some "smaller" things like his age and financial security, and that's not the issue - the problem is he lied about his alcoholism. He knew I had been through the wringer with an alcoholic father and that I couldn't be with a man who drank. He told me he was teetotal, and then managed not to drink until after I married him (I arrived in the September and we married in December). He is an alcoholic and he drinks. Not all the time, but he binge drinks every few weekends and spends literally days drunk without sobering up in between. I can't take it any more, its just a bad combination because I don't drink myself and have zero tolerance for alcohol. When sober he is supportive, loving and kind. When drunk he is verbally and emotionally abusive, but not prone to physical violence. However, upon being provoked he did physically attack me last July - he pinned me down on the bed and put his hand over my nose and mouth, laughing at me as I struggled for breath. I was 6 weeks pregnant at the time. I had plans in place to leave him last year before finding out I was pregnant again. I want to add that I am not some stupid, ignorant, barefoot and pregnant type. We went through 5 years of infertility treatments to get our daughter, and had been told many times that we couldn't have children on our own - it was very shocking to get pregnant by ourselves and so soon after the birth of my daughter.

Anyway, although I am here illegally because I overstayed my visa (we have not had the spare money to file for my permanent residency because I try to be as law-abiding as possible, so I don't work because I can't legally and we are on one income and money is always tight) we married before my visa ran out and the marriage is legal, I am on his insurance and we files our taxes jointly, etc.

I want to leave and return to Ireland with my children - there is nothing for me here except him. All my family and friends are there and I'm pretty sure I could use my contacts to get a job (I am a social worker, as is my husband) even though there is a huge gap in my resume now. I have a support network, and would be able to get state housing until I get on my feet. He has family here, but they have no interest in us and I have met them once in 6.5 years. We have no friends as he likes to keep me isolated and away from people and financially and emotionally dependent on him.

Would a judge ever let me go home and take the children? Because I overstayed my visa, if I leave the US I am banned from re-entering for 10 years, so I don't know how joint custody would work.

Should I just get passports for the children and go? It really means nothing to me personally whether he and I are divorced or not, I'm not looking to remarry and neither of us have any assets worth anything - the children are my only concern. Would it be construed as kidnapping if I were just to leave without his knowledge? I can't return to the US as I said - how could I be forced to come back for a hearing?

Oh, I should add that after the altercation last July the police were called and I made a statement. He spent 11 days in jail (it would only have been 1, but we didn't have the bail money) and ended up with a violation charge of harassment, I think it was. My daughter and I have a do-not -harass order of protection against him valid until August 2009. Because my daughter was in the apartment when the incident happened (though in a different room) CPS cited him for neglect and he is on a register until she reaches the age of 28 (not any kind of sexual register) that means he can't get a job working with children or teens - as a social worker this limits his employment options. That part *is* ridiculous, as my daughter wasn't in danger and hasn't been emotionally scarred as the say she was - she was 5 months old at the time, asleep in her crib in a different room. So we got a lawyer and appealed that, he underwent anger management and alcohol counselling. BUT, depending on what happens it might be something I can use to my advantage - the hearing isn't until September and I am the only witness that CPS can call to give testimony as to whether he was neglectful and is a fit parent. I don't want to kick someone when they are down, but if I were desperate I could.

Anyway, I guess I just typed this all out for clarity and to get some things straight in my head. He's not a bad person, but alcohol is toxic in our relationship and he won't make any attempt to give it up. Counseling, AA, hypnotherapy - he has "intended" to go through with all, but never does. My daughters are not going to grow up terrified the way I did. I have been able to use that one instance of physicality against him as basically any time he drinks I threaten him with the police. This very night (he has been drinking all weekend) we had an argument and he got nasty and I hit him on the head with an insulated mug and it bled a lot, and he left. I was never an angry or violent person before, but in the last 6 months or so I see red when he drinks, and it is actually me who is physically abusive to him. But there is no documentation or proof. It eats me up - I don't recognise the person I become when this happens, it's like an instinct to protect my children, but on speed!

Anyway - what will happen if I file for divorce - does anyone know? And what will happen if I just leave one day while he's at work and get a flight home? I had plans in place to that effect last year and could get them together again - I have family who would fly out here to help me get my things packed and me and the children away before he comes home from work.