hurly7
New
Reged: 02/17/08
Posts: 19
Loc: Chicago, IL
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I am wondering if it is right for my Ex husbands current fiance to be butting in and trying to make decisions in the "best intrests" of my kids.. My ex and I got along so well until she joined the pic. Now he says something and few hours later when he's with her I get a phone call where he renigs on what he said earlier, and is downright vicious to me. My husband stays out of it. He'll give me his opinion if I ask but he always says that it is ultimately mine and the BF decision.. She cant legally do this can she? There is no agreeing when she's in the picture because he says he is afraid to piss her off..
My husband goes thru hell, cause he wants my older boys (with my ex) to be his since we have them majority of 305 days a year!
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"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one." L.J. Burke
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KGrow
Platinum
Reged: 01/27/06
Posts: 3153
Loc: Colorado
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Your ex is the one who should be making parenting decisions for his kids but if his decision is to parrot his fiance's decisions, there's really nothing you can do.
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mawmawpammie
Silver
Reged: 03/19/08
Posts: 51
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I am the mother of the stbx husband and I got along great with the mother of my grandkids.I take care of the grandkids daily and have since they were born.Now there is a new BF and the mother says since they will be and are a family she wants him to make the descions with her.I even had to wait for her to ask this guy if my own grandkids could spend the night with me.She has them calling him daddy and he is an ex con,who was on drugs,and has a record a mile long,as he has admitted.Ipersonally feel that the parents who brought that child into the world should be the ones to say what goes and what doesnt.My grandchildrens mother is demanding full coustody with supervised visits for my son,yet she lets the new BF take care of the children.I was raised in a stepparent situation and it is rough on the children too.We were forced to call this man Daddy and he ended up molesting me for 5yrs.
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Jada
Platinum
Reged: 06/02/07
Posts: 3336
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If any of those convictions involved harming a child, the father can get a restraining order that says the boyfriend can't be around the kids at all.
In some states, you can't bring the boyfriend/girlfriend around the kids until the divorce is final.
She's not going to get supervised visits ordered unless she can prove that the father is a danger to the kids. Sole custody is hard to get. More and more states go with joint legal custody, which means both parents have a say in the decisions.
As for who the mother consults with when you want to spend time with the kids on her parenting time, there's nothing you can do about that. She has no say, unless the kids are in harm's way, who spends time with the kids on the father's parenting time.
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 857
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My BF constantly corrects my daughter. I hate it! He gets jealous if I pay 100% attention to her and not him. He is always scolding her and telling her what she has done wrong. He lives out of state right now and he wants me to marry him before he moves here. I am thinking this is a red flag. However he is very supportive and generous when she is at her dad's and not around. I am trying to avoid his phone calls and have told him I do not think this is going to work out. But he just doesn't want to hear me. I am so confused. I thought we could be a family. But I do not want to live in WWIII! I am going to hurt him because he does love me very much. But how can you marry someone who doesn't like your child?
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Nish
Platinum
Reged: 02/18/07
Posts: 1300
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Julia,
Red Flag Warning! It sounds like your "boyfriend" needs to stay out of state and if you were to marry him, knowing how he is with your daugther, do you really think things will get better? IMO, they will get worse.
If he is jealous of her now, and only is supportive and generous when she is with her Dad....that should send a message loud and clear, that this man is not great marriage material for you.
It is a heck of alot easier to end a relationship before you get married, rather than wait until afterwards. Hoping he might get better...he won't and then having to go through the stress and expense of another divorce.
Re-read your own post. He is constantly correcting her and you don't like it. You two aren't married and you don't like how he intereacts with your daughter. Do you really see a happy married life to a man you already have concerns and issues with, when you daguther is with you?
Only you can decide. I know what my decision would be.
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juliacinaz
Platinum
Reged: 02/03/08
Posts: 857
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Nish...I know that. This is why I have been so sad. I let myself dream the happily ever after dream again. I have spoken to him about not parenting her and he says he will stop. I doubt that he can stop being who he is though. The other problem is we have both already purchased more airline tickets to see each other. My daughter and I are supposed to visit him for 8 days next month. I don't want to go. Eight days of him being mad at her and me? UGH! Way too much stress. Then he is supposed to visit me in August. She will be with her dad that weekend. I am trying so hard to back out of this easily. He gave me a ring that I need to return.
I have applied for a new job. If I get it I can cancel the July vacation. Then I can break it off in person when I see him in August. I don't mind spending a weekend with him. I just do not want to marry him. He is not the right one for me. I just wish he would realize this too.
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Armor
Platinum
Reged: 10/27/06
Posts: 438
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hurly7- Unfortuantely there isn't much you can do legally about this, unless there is abuse going on or she is making him do things that violate the divorce decree. On the bright side, however, you have them 300+ days out of the year, so you have a lot of time to do some "damage control" and correct anything negative that the kids may pick up from all of this. With that much time, you will defiantely be the more influential parent in the long run...
juliacinaz- dump him yesterday, and explain to him why you are doing that. Being in a stepfamily situation is difficult and challangeing enough even if everybody bonds well and everybody treats one another appropriately. A situation like you are describing will almost certainly doom that relationship to divorce, which is something I'm sure you don't want to go through again. There are plenty of fish in the sea, put being good to your daughter as the #1 factor you'll require in a BF/potential husband...
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Nish
Platinum
Reged: 02/18/07
Posts: 1300
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Many airlines will allow you to cancel your flight, and hold the price of the ticket for future use, as long as you fly somewhere with them within 1 year. There usually is a fee. Last time I had to do that, I believe it cost me $50, and that was 3 or 4 years ago.
If you can not do that, then rebook the flight to visit family or take your daughter somewhere fun (just the two of you.) By no means, go to see him in July, as you already know it won't be a fun time for your daughter.
The right thing to do is just as the other poster mention, drop him like "yesterday" and let him know that it just isn't working out. Don't worry about what he is going to do with his is ticket he purchased, that is his problem to deal with.
Breaking up in person while nice, just isn't practical for you when he lives so far away. You need to have a clean break now, not 2 months from now.
Call him or email him and by all means return the ring. I am sorry this relationship doesn't look like it was meant to be.
Then, take some time to heal from this.
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thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 53
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I would not want to be making the decisions for my stepson. I cannot fathom why she wants to be in the middle or in charge. I am sorry that your ex husband does not stand up to her. I mean they are his children, and he (or at least I hope) should know them much better than her.
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