thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
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In my over thinking nature, I come to the realization that when my stepson is around I put on a "mask". It doesn't matter how many talks, discussions, going back to court etc, that occurs between my husband and ex, some things never change. The ex constantly talks about what she will and will not tolerate. Her non-tolerating list is longer, of course! Therefore, I try to not make any "slip ups" when he is around. Which in turn makes me feel very "fake". I know he notices this. I do act different with our children than him. My husband says our house our rules. But, if for example, I ask him to make his bed, and his mom finds out WW III breaks out. She yells and screams that I have no rights (I figured that out long ago) and therefore cannot ask her son to do anything. Not to say she doesn't do the same thing if my husband were the one asking. But, to cut down on the chaos and threats, I play the game. Does anyone else experience this?
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1227
Gold
Reged: 09/12/07
Posts: 195
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yep, I have. This is the deal. My house, my rules and if my children have to so do anyone else that want to visit. For example... No shoes in my house. If the neighbor comes he needs to remove his shoes, if my in laws come shoes are off, my kids shoes are off, step guess what take the shoes off. Likewise for dishes etc. No right, yes you have rights it is your house. You have no right to medical, education etc, but you do have a right in your home.
As long as you put the game face on step will take advantage. At first he will go tell mom, mom will put up a fight bc she wants to control. After a while he will get use to the rules, he will hate the fighting btw his parents especially after it does no good bc he still has to follow the rules.
I think you are wrong here your children will one day be upset, he will forever expect to be treated differently when it suits him and mom will continue to control your husband, your kids and your life.
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thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
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While my husband enforces our house our rules, I still feel fake. Step-son used to keep his cell phone on him at all times so that if my husband, his half siblings, or I did something to upset him he would call his mom asap. While my husband put a stop to that, it has not stopped her from writing,calling, and giving my husband and me an earful of her thoughts on how horrible we are. I guess I am trying to be the peacemaker and you are right because he takes full advantage. But, after twelve years of divorce you would think she would be over the drama.
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kris_fla
Silver
Reged: 07/01/08
Posts: 70
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It will never end, the ex is still bitter, and the stepson is playing both sides against the middle. I would have house rules, explain these rules to him, give him a copy to send home to his mother and tell her that if she has issues to take it up w/a lawyer. You are doing more damage by playing their game and letting the two of them control your life. Sounds like your hubby is on board with it, which is awesome. A bully is a bully, they are bullies b/c they are unhappy w/themselves and they want what you have, the best way to handle a bully is to call them out on the table, call their bluff. I'm sure you all pay child support, you're not breaking any rules or laws...you two need to set them straight, after a while, he'll come around and appreciate you for it but right now, he's probably feeling insecure and like he's not wanted there b/c the rules are diff. for him and your just trying to not make waves.
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Seize the day. Remember all of those women on the Titanic who waved off the desert cart. E. Bombeck
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mistake#2
Platinum
Reged: 07/19/06
Posts: 3255
Loc: Florida
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I'm on the other side, I'm the CP mom and I deal with the step-mom and ex-husband.
I do reinforce with my son that at ex's home it is their rules...but I do try to give him suggestions when he's upset in regards to something. A quick example would be that his step-brothers are stealing his clothing and step-mom sometimes mistakes his clothing for theirs so he doesn't get it back and it becomes a big argument for them all. My suggestion to him was to ask that he be given his own laundry basket, since he does his own laundry anyhow then they don't get mixed up. Instead of asking for one my son stated "my mom said you need to give me my own basket"...and of course step-mom jumped all over that, "your mother isn't going to rule our house" but meanwhile she's already holding a laundry basket for him cause that was the plan anyhow. It was a lack of good communication and son relayed back to me the comment without telling me what he had stated. Sometimes it works out that way and I ask step-mom what was really said cause it's not always that cut/dry but I'm also trying to keep son from being upset. It's a hard balance on both of our sides.
If the mother is being confrontational, tell her that you will only respond to e-mails...she doesn't need to be calling to screaming at you or husband. Some things are hard to relay back n' forth on e-mail but until things calm down in the house that is probably the best way.
I like the idea too that the poster gave in regards to writing down the rules and giving copy to mom. Having son sign that he understands rules, and telling mom that she can have whatever rules that work in her house at her house but those are your rules and as she can see they are fair. I wouldn't bother to state the attorney thing as that may bring along more animosity but if you don't respond emotionally to her and disconnect her everytime she responds irrationally then eventually it will stop...and so will step-son stop playing the games between the two of you if you can work together a little more.
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thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
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Our children are so much younger than he is. We know that at 14 he does not have to go to bed at 8:30. But our older two do and the two younger ones are in bed an hour earlier. We know he can watch shows that our children are not old enough for. We know he can be more responsible in certain situations than our children. So, some of the rules in the house are based on his age. But, it does not seem to matter because he blows a lot of things out of proportion. An example being, my husband asked him to help with the yard work. Everybody does it, from weeding, cutting grass, watering plants etc. It wasn't like we were sending him outside to do the yard by himself. He refused to do it and went and laid on the couch. My husband came in and told him to get up and outside. Next thing you know is ex is calling how dare we use her son as slave labor. My three year old pulls weeds. Heck, my seven year old helps dad mow the lawn.
It just seems like the more we try to make him a part of things,the more he pulls away and the more she keeps him away. Her excuse is we are not low class people. Which I find amusing since she chose to have a child with my husband who is very middle class. This is what she teaches him. He is going to have a lot of hard lessons to learn when he is older.
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kris_fla
Silver
Reged: 07/01/08
Posts: 70
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He is definitely playing two ends against the middle. If the ex called and wanted to complain about a phone call she just got from her son? I would tell her that unless she is calling to see how her son is doing, there is no need for her to speak w/ either one of you. No law states you have to listen to her Bull. In one ear and out the other would be my motto w/her. He's 14, he should be mowing the lawn by himself, as a chore. If there is no structure w/in the mother's house, it will be almost impossible for you two to set rules and get him to abide, simply b/c his mom's set up is much more conducive for him at this age. In the long run, it could backfire on her.
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Seize the day. Remember all of those women on the Titanic who waved off the desert cart. E. Bombeck
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thesecondwife
Silver
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 54
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In his house there is a full-time housekeeper. Up until a few years ago there was a nanny as well. She often tells me that childhood only happens once and she is going to make sure he enjoys his.
Everyone parents differently. But, yes, it makes it quite difficult for my husband to enforce (and as she puts it) his "middle class" rules. I mean I know teenagers like to be couch potatoes and need more sleep. But, when he visits he is either sleeping or laying on the couch. My husband get quite firm with him. I feel bad because step-son is not enjoying himself and Dad is being portrayed as a bad guy (because he is making him participate in the visit).
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kris_fla
Silver
Reged: 07/01/08
Posts: 70
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Have you guys thought about bringing in a family counselor? They do have counselors that will come to your house and sit w/ the entire family. Sounds like your SS may have some unresolved issues with his parents divorce. His mom is perpetuating a lot of it. Maybe your husband could allot some time just for the two of them to go and do something, like bowling, etc. on a weekly basis. He may resent his dad having a "new family", especially if he is an only child. If his mom acts unhappy and whines and complains a lot, maybe he's being mislead into thinking his dad is the reason his mom is so unhappy therefore he's unhappy. Does that make any sense?
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Seize the day. Remember all of those women on the Titanic who waved off the desert cart. E. Bombeck
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Terri
Gold
Reged: 02/03/06
Posts: 166
Loc: Michigan
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I think too often stepchildren are treated like they are different from the other kids in the house and deep down that is what causes problems. He may feel that the children you and your husband have together are more important or different than him. He may want you to treat him the same and keeps pushing to see if his dad still loves him like the "new" kids no matter what. He can probably feel you acting differently and is taking advantage, again, to see how you react. He should never be treated as a visitor. He should have his own space and be treated like you would any member of your family. If he can't understand that, counseling would be a good thing to do.
Or he could just be a spoiled brat but I would work with the first theory first.
If you don't have caller ID, get it and don't answer the phone when she calls. If the message is important, call her back. If it is her calling to complain, don't call her back. You are under no obligation to talk to her and I would love to hear her tell a judge that her son shouldn't have to make his bed or help in the yard.
Does he get to spend some special time alone with his dad when he is there? That would be very important to a teenage boy whether or not he has step siblings. My stbx and I were together until our children were out of high school but we always made time to take them separately to do things. It would probably be nice for you to take him to do something by yourself on occasion as well. Maybe a movie or something else he would enjoy that your little ones would not be old enough to do.
He is a member of your household, even if he isn't there every day, and should be treated like it. I wouldn't give him or his mother a written set of rules, that would just look like he is different and that it is his mom's business what happens there. If his mom has safety concerns, that is one thing and they should be addressed but her petty complaints should not be given the time of day.
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